Fresh Start

So I am beginning to feel like I am falling back into a bit of a slump again, but I can't allow this to happen. I want so badly to just have a fresh start. I don't even know what that means, but I just have this really strong desire to start with a clean plate, a blank canvas. So I decided tomorrow is going to be my blank canvas. I can do whatever I want with my life starting tomorrow. If I want it to happen, I can make it happen because this is my life and I am in control. If I want to paint my world with bright shades of purples and oranges, I will. 

I cleaned my room, I did my laundry, I shaved, I organized all my stuff, I moisturized my skin and my hair, I cleaned out my e-mails. I am ready for this. Everything is in order for me to do whatever I want. I just feel like I have all of this desire and passion and energy in me, and I want to let it out. My passion used to be channeled into loving Fernando, but we no longer have that, which means I need to find new outlets. Everyday day; no, every second is a new second with which I can do whatever I want. Every second is my blank canvas. I want to get thin, I want to make art and music, I want to fall in love with things other than boys, I want to be filled with incredible burning joy and I want to share that feeling with everyone I meet once I find it. This is my Adventure to find Happiness.

Yesterday I realized something so incredibly important. It just came to me, and it clicked. I might even go as far as to say I had a life changing revelation. I realized that every time I was upset or stressed or not feeling happy, I would go to Fernando to make me feel better and it would never work so I would get frustrated with him. And then yesterday it just hit me - its not Fernando who is supposed to make me happy (which is why it never worked out); I need to learn how to make myself happy. If I am having a rough day, I can't go to someone else with my problems and expect them to suddenly make things better; I need to figure out on my own how I can make things better. Only Jessica can make Jessica truly happy - Fernando can't do that, and neither can anyone else. Gosh, it was such a good feeling to finally see things clearly. And I have to say, I have been feeling pretty good. Obviously its a day by day thing and perhaps today or tomorrow won't be that good, but I am learning how to equip myself with the proper tools to make those rough days better.

On another note, I have been running consistently, and I looove it!

(when I took ^that picture I though it was incredibly clever, but I realized I am not that fond of it)

Running is seriously the ultimate cure to everything. My day is immediately better after a run. Everytime I run, I think of all the reasons why I run, and my reasoning is never ever "as a work out". Instead I always have these really intense reasons like "I run to survive" or "I run so that I don't feel anxious". Its really incredible! 

(I also hate this picture, but Faline looks so funny!)

Things at school have been pretty lovely too. I am making more of an effort to be social and make plans, and I am really happy with the way this semester is turning out so far! (*knock on wood*)

Alsoooo, I registered for the Rutger's half todaay! I am so incredibly excited/nervous. This means I actually have to go through with this. I also want to register for a few other races, like a TRIATHALON! I am going swimming with Max on sunday, so if it goes well, I am going to register! (:

First day of classes

Today was my first day of classes for the Spring semester. I can't get over the fact that I am halfway done with my first year in college! Time is going by way too quickly.

lol, weirdo picture! I felt weird posing, since my roommate is in the room. 

My first day was pretty good. I only had one class today though, so its not like I have much to base this opinion off of. I am kinda bummed though, because I wanted to run 4 miles today, but its so ridiculously crappy out, so hopefully I can go tomorrow. 

Other than that, I have a really bad headache right now, which sucks. But since the weather is no bueno, I don't feel guilty just sitting here on my laptop, drinking tea and hoping that this headache goes away. Yay for cozy lazy days (:

This time, It will be different

Gah, this song literally explains my break up with Fernando. It makes me feel a million times better to know that someone else can put into words what I went through. 

And this song is going to be the anthem to get me through this breakup. I can watch a sunset on my own!

Last but not least, I literally feel like this song describes me. If I had to pick a song I could most relate to, it would be this one. I am always late, and I hate that so much. The nice words of strangers always touch me and really make me think. When I really love someone, I treat them in ways that I would never want to treat them, and I really do feel like I am going crazy these days. I am trying to change, and make things different though. 

I just discovered this lady, and I love her so much already. 

Successful Day!

So yesterday turned out rather successful. My breakfast was larged and kept me full for a really good portion of the day, something that rarely happens. Ususally an hour after breakfast I am starving again.

 I finished reading Into the Wild yesterday. The end was so touching, and left me with this really weird feeling. I didn't expect this book to make me cry, but I just felt so sad for Chris in the end, and I suppose I had other pent up emotions that I needed to get out also. Either way, I loved this book, Today I want to go to the library and pick up Catcher in the Rye. I've wanted to read that book for so long!

Also, my shopping trip yesterday was incredibly successful. Unfortunatly left my camera at school, so these pictures are from my phone, but I can promise I got some really good stuff. I also spent almost my entire pay for last week, but whatever!

 

  And spending time with Maria was really nice. I think my morning run got me back to feeling like my old self (cause I have been in quite a funk since the end of November!). I just haven't been myself and its incredibly frustrating, But yesterday on the bus ride home we talked like we used to, and it was just really lovely.

Day By Day

So as I have already posted, there are a lot of things that I'd like to accomplish and get done, and thinking about it all makes me so overwhelmed. Just thinking to myself "I want to lose 15 pounds, get into great shape, run 3 half marathons, volunteer, make new friends this semester, go to more parties"; that makes me want to live in a hole. Its so overwhelming and it makes me so sad because it makes me feel like there is no where to even begin. I think I need to look at the smaller picture rather than these huge pictures. I know where I want to be, now I need to set small mini goals to get myself there. I was thinking of doing this as a week-by-week thing, but I think even that would be unrealistic for me right now. Instead, every night before I go to bed I am going to make a little list of the steps I will take the next day, that will help me get to my ultimate final goals. Since I am writing about this now, I will publish my list here tonight.

Mini Goals for Tomorrow:

1. Run 2 miles

2. Eat a really big, healthy breakfast

3. Keep busy and do things that make me happy:

Read, practice piano, talk on phone with old friends

4. Possibly go to mall with Maria and look for new dresses

5. Keep room clean

Speaking of reading, right now I love the book I am reading. I am reading Into the Wild By Jon Krakauer. We started reading sections from it in my expos class this semester, so I bought it in November, and I am finally getting a chance to read it. 

 Its about a boy named Christopher McCandless and well, I don't feel like writing a book report, but the book is incredibly interesting because it includes his story of adventuring into the wild, but it also tell of other who had similar endeavors. Its incredibly inspiring. So many people speak so highly of him, and he touched so many hearts.

That's him in front of the bus that he stayed in while living in Alaska. When I am older, I'd love to hike out to that bus and see what it was like. Hopefully one day I can!

Goals Not Resolutions

Resolutions are so broad which is why I think they never happen. Instead, I decided to make a list of goal's I'd like to have all crossed of by 2013!

1. Run 1/2 Marathons! (Rutgers 1/2, Wildwood 1/2, Philly 1/2)

2. Volunteer somewhere (hopefully hospital or soup kitchen)

3. Take more pictures (I know this is broad, so I am thinking maybe a really basic 52 week project)

4. Practice piano when I am home from school (again, broad. Maybe I can find a specific song to learn)

5. Get into any nursing program for sophomore year

6. Work out at least 2 times a week (and as a result lose 15 pounds)

7. Finish freshman year with a GPA higher than 3.5
8. Post on this blog once a week (or more, but at least once a week)

I will probably add to this list as the year goes on, but for now I think I have some pretty solid goals!

Happy New Year!

My New Year was pretty interesting, but all in all I can say I am happy with the way it turned out. I followed my heart instead of over thinking my every move and by following my heart, I made myself happy. Looking back, it was a pretty good year! I am proud of all my accomplishments. A few accomplishments in particular stick out.

I graduated high school! Obviously I knew this was going to happy, but its still something to be proud of and to celebrate. Graduation was funny, and project graduation afterwards was really fun. As much as I had a good time, I am so glad to be out of Wood-Ridge High.

I ran a half freaking marathon! That was such an incredible experience! I am so proud of myself. I also ran two 5k's. Recently I have been slacking with running, but I am still so proud of myself for committing myself to training, and finishing strong. The feeling of accomplishment that I felt when I crossed that finish line was unlike anything else. I cannot wait to run more half's this year.

I finished my first semester of college! It was tough, and I can't say I loved it, but it was a good experience. I made lovely friends, and I proved to myself that I am capable of being independent. I cannot wait to commute next semester instead of dorming, but I have absolutely no regrets about this experience. 

I made it to over a year with this beautiful boy. Although we are no longer together, I learned so much about myself, and about loving another person. The journey was incredible, our adventures were incredible and just because we are no longer together does not mean my love for him as ended. Our relationship is in a weird sort of more than friends phase right now, but whatever happens, I was incredibly lucky to have this fella in my life for such a long time, and I will love him to everything no matter what.

Heres to a new year, filled with new life lessons and adventures. Last year I saw a side of myself that I am ashamed of, and this year I am hoping I can make positive changes in my life in order to be truly happy with myself, and as a person in general. Here we go 2012.