Thursday, August 6, 2015

The Beauty of Starting Over

Starting over is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I guess its sort of a huge theme in life post-college. School has always been a source of comfort (although it was very annoying, it has been one of the only consistent parts of my life for the past 18ish years). And so now that I am done with school, I am starting over. Figuring out where to go from here and whats next, and how I can transport myself from this wide open ocean, onto more stable ground again. And its easy to get caught up in wanting to just get there and rush the process. Hold this thought.

The other day, I was doing yoga (I promise this will make sense). I am not ~new~ to yoga. While I am not an experienced yogi, its something I have dabbled in for quite some time now. I've been to a decent amount of classes, and for a while I could really see the difference yoga was making in my body. I could also feel myself getting better at it the more I practiced. And then I stopped. So when I tried to get back on the mat the other day, I thought I could just pick up where I left off. I knew I wanted a good work out, so I chose a "Power Yoga" video, by one of my favorite online yoga instructors, Yoga With Adrien. At the beginning of the video, Adrien asked that we (I?) set an intention for the practice. My intention was "just to finish the video!". 20 minutes into the 45 minute video, I found myself totally wiped out. Adrien was moving SO FAST, and my stiff little bones just could not keep up with her!! Two days later, I decided to try again. But this time, I picked a 45 minute "Yoga for beginners video". Now, like I said, I am not reaaaaallly a beginner, but my body is just beginning to get back into the practice. And so I made it through the entire 45 minute video this time, and I found myself learning new things about poses that I have practiced hundreds of times before. Things that I've never known before, and things that will definitely make me stronger in my practice in the future.

This entire experience was very humbling. I think that when we try and get back on the bandwagon, its very easy for us to pick up right where we left off. I haven't run consistently in months, but the few times that I have managed to lace up recently, I have been so disappointed when I realize that I can't run at the same speed, or the same distances that I used to be able to run at. But I am leaning that there is something new and exciting in starting over! You get to learn new things about an old an familiar practice. When you start over, you make the familiar unfamiliar, and walk away with a greater understanding than you would have had if you'd just tried to pick up right where you left off.

And so that also goes for this new chapter in my life called "Not Being in School Anymore". It would be very easy for me to just want to pick up and start working at the hospital that I had worked at while I was in college (was in college. College is in the past tense now! Omg, I can't!!). But if I were to start working there, I really don't think there would be much room for personal growth. All of the nurses there already know me. They all already have this idea in their heads of who I am as a person. And I don't really want to start off somewhere like that. I want to start new. I want to embrace the scariness and eat it up.

Freshman year I was walking through the basement of my dorms to do laundry, when this janitor stopped me to have a chat. This guy talked for agggees, but one of the things he kept repeating was "Diaaaamonds are formed under pressure!". And its sort of true.

Now I feel like my point is getting muddled (I love that word!) in all these little anecdotes. I've sort of lost track my point myself. I guess all I am really trying to say is that starting over can be very humbling. If I started working as a nurse at the hospital I was a tech at, I might sort of feel like "Well, I know what the nurses here do. Its easy! I don't need someone to teach me". And I don't want that.

So right now, I am starting fresh. I am starting fresh with my yoga practice, I am starting fresh with my identity as a runner, I am starting fresh in a new work place where I can create a new identity and where I can be humbled by all of the things I don't know. Its probably going to be really scary and really sucky and I'll probably cry and complain a lot, but I know that in the end it will be good for me. So thats what I am going to do. Now I just need to get my lazy butt to start applying for jobs! Hahaha. Thats the first step.

**Side note: yesterday, for the first time in forever, I got to work at the bakery alone. And it was AWESOME! I love the freedom that goes along with working there by myself. Theres no need to check in with someone else or to always seem busy so that my coworkers don't judge my work ethic. It was so nice to just go at my own pace! And its funny because I did a Myers-Briggs personality test the other night, and that was apart of the "Career" description for me. But that really makes me feel like the hospital setting is not for me. I mean, for a while now I've felt like the hospital setting wasn't for me. Its too...structured? No, thats not it. Because I don't mind structure. Maybe its the fact that theres sort of an underlying competitive nature in the hospital. Theres always certain nurses who just feel like they are "better" nurses than other ones. Its something that I am guilty of as well. But idk. Its not something that makes me happy, and its not something I really want to be apart of. So thats something I really need to think about while job hunting. Its just that the hospital is the most obvious place for a nurse to work, and so its really hard for me to think about options outside of that. But we'll see. I just need to do more research.