Wow, I haven't written on here in quite a while. Recently however, I have been doing a lot of thinking (eh, when do I not do a lot of thinking?). I have just been seeing such a direct correlation with events in peoples past, and the person that they are now. I mean, its quite obvious, but I think its something that I just accepted as true and never fully understood until I saw it for myself. I first started realizing it when I pieced together that the reason I am so scared (terrified) of people in masks is because when I was little, my dad used to punish me by wearing a really scary mask. That fear has stuck with me. The next event that made me see it was my friend Faline. She was talking about how when she was younger, her sister dared her to shave off part of her eyebrows. To this day, she is incredibly paranoid about going to get her eyebrows waxed because of the fear of losing her eyebrow again. The third event that made me see it is something that happened to me in 6th grade, and requires a bit of story telling.
Up until High School, I lived in Brooklyn. The way that the schools in New York City work is that you can go to any school in NYC you want to. You just have to apply to the school, and get accepted. This means that every time you go to a new school, you are with lots and lots of new people. So naturally just like all of the other 5th graders in New York, I applied of a few middle schools, and picked which I wanted to go to. I don't remember that much about 6th grade at all, but theres one event that really sticks out to me. In 6th grade, I became friends with a few girls. They created this club called the "Banana Club" (I know, so cool!). And in order to get into the club, you needed to go to the library with them, and sing the banana song. The club was legit - badges and everything! So some how, I was deemed cool enough to be in the club. I had a badge, and I would sometimes hang out with my new friends after school. I felt so lucky to have met such cool new friends. Then one day, they just stopped talking to me. I had no idea why, and I was pretty upset because these were my new friends and I wanted them to like me! One day in class, I wrote one of the girls a note asking if I had done something wrong. I don't remember exactly how the conversation went, I just remember her saying that they didn't want to be friends with me any more, and that I needed to hand in my "badge". I asked if I had done anything wrong to cause them to not want to be my friends anymore, and I am pretty sure her answer was no. Basically, they just decided they didn't like me anymore, and wouldn't even talk to me! In a sense, it was a mild form of bullying. Well, lets just say that I was heart broken. I went home and cried to my mom, and my mom got really upset. And thats pretty much how this story ends. After a while I became friends with all of the girls who didn't like me, and everything was right in the world.
However, going to college has made me learn a few things about myself. I am insanely paranoid that people don't like me. If someone doesn't answer a text message of mine or if someone assumes I am busy and doesn't invite me somewhere, I get so nervous that they actually don't want to be friends with me. I don't care as much with people that I am not friends with, but when it comes to my friends, I get so incredibly scared that they are going to wake up and decide they don't want to be friends with me anymore. And it makes a lot of sense that it would have to do with my experience in 6th grade. The fear also doesn't exist regarding old friends. For example, my best friend Michelle. I know we are best friends, and nothing would cause my to question that friendship. Its just new friendships that I get incredibly paranoid and self conscious over. I feel like this fear holds me back from making new friends. I assume that people won't like me or find me interesting, so I put minimal to no effort in developing new friendships. I leave it all up to the other person.
Another thing is (this is something that I have mentioned on here before), I feel like I still do not have a strong concept of who I am. And I don't want to put all of the blame on these silly little 6th grade girls, but it would make sense that the reason I don't know who I am stems from that event. Because I am so paranoid about people not liking me, I guess I try and seem "likable". But in trying to hard to be someone that other people like, I have completely missed out on figuring out myself and what I like. Well not completely, but some what. I am working on figuring it out little by little.
Well, thats my story. A short history on why I am the way that I am. Hopefully this discovery will help me overcome this problem, and allow me to be more open and therefore develop stronger, new relationships. We'll see.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
I just finished all my exams! The weight that has been lifted off of my shoulders is incredible. I didn't honestly think that nursing was going to be this bad (its really not - just this week sucked). But 5 exams in a week?! Plus all of the stuff that has been going on with my grandma. I had to put a lot of shit on the back burner this week. I had one or two break downs, but over all I am really happy with how I handled everything. I pretty much just ate, got enough sleep to function properly, studied, and socialzed enough to not feel absolutely alone. But whatevzz. Its over. And I am fucking excited!
*2 days later*
I started writing this post in Anatomy lab, and never got around to finishing it. I also took that picture in Anatomy lab and let me just say - its really hard to get a good picture in class without looking like a total weirdo. Hence the bad angle and awkward expression. But anyways, my exams are over! The end-of-exams-celebration wasn't as lovely as I had hoped, but the idea of it is what got me through the week, and I guess thats what matters? Also, can we just quickly talk about the fact that I should just run of the next week straight, because I am gaining some serious lbs? But I am going to work on it, now that I have some time to breathe and get my priorities straight.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
* Monday - Anatomy Exam
* Tuesday - Human Interactive Processes Exam
* Wednesday - Life Span Exam
* Thursday - Anatomy Lab Exam
I have so much shit going on right now. Its so bad that today I texted Ariel saying "Want to get lunch after your exam?" when I really meant to say "After your class". Ariel knew right away - she was like "You know I am not taking an exam right now, you just have exams on your mind". I really just want to crawl into a hole and eat cookie dough. Why do my professors hate me? Also, why am I a nursing major? I am so grateful that Max is going through this with me though. I would cry if I had to go through this alone and no one understood how overwhelmed and overworked I was. Thank goodness for that boy. Also, thank goodness that this will all be over on Thursday. Some serious celebrating is in order. And then Friday is my moms birthday. Woo-hoo! Anyways, gotta get back to learning about melanocytes and keratin and keratinocytes. Omg. I just decided that next week I am going to get myself a Brown Derby from the bakery that say "Exams Are Over!". Ha ha. That makes me so happy. I have such an unhealthy relationship with food. Kbye.
Monday, October 1, 2012
I had such lofty plans for this weekend. Well, my weekend didn't really go according to plan. I didn't go see Childish Gambino on Thursday because I had to study for my Nutrition exam. On Friday, the mud run was A LOT tougher than I expected, and I wound up having to walk a good portion of it. Also, the two boys that I did the race with were kinda poor friends and ran ahead of me since they were faster than me. That was disappointing because I was looking forward to having a sort of "team" to run the race with. Seeing Brian on Saturday was disappointing to say the least and I really didn't even have that much fun at the Global Festival.