Thursday, August 22, 2013

To my friend the internet,

Dear internet world,

There are just some thoughts floating around in my brain that I would like to get out into the universe. So yeah, thats what this is. And of course, they will be in list formation.

1) I have noticed something about myself. A lot of times, I don't like I have much to say in big groups of people. I really enjoy just sitting back and listening to what everyone else is talking about. But if its a small group, then I am much more willing to participate in the conversation. At first I felt weird about this; I wished that I was more talkative with lots of people. But I've come to accept it. Its just apart of who I am. And theres really nothing wrong with it.

2) I reaaaaally want to make things right with my mom. Its just sososo freaking hard. I have been much better about maintaining my cool when she pisses me off. But I hate this weird abrupt relationship we have developed. I don't think we'll ever be really close again, but I want to call her and not have our conversations be strictly business. Its definitely something I have to work on. I guess I sometimes say things to her that can cause confrontation, so I have to really think about what I am staying with her. Which is fine since we have been talking less anyways.

3) These words feel really weird to put out into the universe. And whenever I put words like this out there, I get really nervous that I am going to jinx it. Which is why I tend to keep shit like this inside of me for as long as possible. And this time especially - this shit feels pretty special. But then again - shit always initially feels special. And then when that special thing doesn't work out, I convince myself that it wasn't special at all. (This is so vague, but vagueness feels less risky). Anyways, this special thing just has a little string tying it to another place. But its the kind of string thats so fragile. Like the kind that they use to sew the seams of t-shirts. And once you pull on it, it starts to unravel. But I won't do the pulling. In fact, I am supporting the keeping-together of this special t-shirt and thread. I am like the tag on the shirt, trying to get that shit sold. I am like the friend who really wants the shirt, but lets a different friend buy it even though I kind of think the shirt is really special. One day I think I'd like to purchase this shirt. But for now, I am pretty content with letting someone enjoy it. Also, why does this fucking shit always happen to me? Is it that I always want to purchase t-shirts that are not for sale, or is it that all of the good t-shirts have already been bought?! I don't know man. But it sucks. Cause I really don't like any of my shirts.
^Man, that was so weird. But I literally sighed after getting all that shit off my chest.

4) I have this thing in my head - I hate the fact that boys treat girls so differently. I want to be treated equal. For example, let me try and pull the freaking canoe onto shore. And then if I can't do it, assist me. But don't just assume that because I am a lady, I can't do it. Then theres this other part of me that wonders if maybe me wanting to be so equal to boys is the reason I don't have a boy of my own. Ya know? There has to be some sort of boundary to maintain sexual interest and the such. Because if I was just one of the guys, no guy would ever see me in that way. Ya know? So I don't know how to deal with this. Whenever these thoughts come into my head, I always feel like I want to act the same, and just dress like more of a lady. But then I try and wear lipstick to 6 flags and my lips start to peel and I start to get really frustrated. I don't know. I guess I am still trying to figure myself out. But I am working on it. And I am definitely content with the person I am becoming. Like I said, I just want to have that lady-side to me. And not walk with a special shirt and accidentally fart and then announce "oops. I just farted". Yup. Thats a thing that happened. Because I am gross. And don't act like a lady. Haha.

Internet, these are all of the thoughts I have for you today. Thanks for being so awesome and patient with my weird way of expressing things.