Tuesday, February 17, 2015

A narrative of my life recently

So I was feeling really good for a while, and now I am feeling not so good. And I guess that is life. But feeling really good is aweesssomme. And feeling not so good kinda sux. So, I would like to sort through why I am feeling not so good. Ah, I am so tempted to make a list in order to do this, but I don't know if a list will help in this situation. I think instead, perhaps a little story-telling will help me pinpoint where things started to feel less lovely. Lets be real. Part of this is related to a boy.. or perhaps not even a specific boy. Just the feeling I am looking to get from a boy, and not finding. Perhaps I shouldn't be expecting any sort of feeling and I should just take things as they are? Idk. This is all so vague. So, details..

So, lets start out right before winter break, which was a month ago already! Thats kind of unbelievable. Right before winter break started, I decided I didn't like Brian anymore. He was really rude to a store owner one day, and I am so not about that. Pretty soon after I decided I didn't like Brian, this boy Ryan who I met last summer texed me to say whaddup. Over the summer I had decided I didn't like Ryan (lol, am I an asshole?) so I was only halfheartedly texting him back. Or more so, I wasn't putting effort into texting him. I was just being really natural and saying whatever because I didn't really care. Except this seemed to lead us somewhere, and I ended up really enjoying our conversation and lalala. We hung out right before he left for Minnesota and I had a really nice time, so then I was all like shit, maybe hes not such an asshole. He went to Minnesota and I went home and we didn't really talk because I guess we were both living our lives.

So winter break was really lovely. At first I was feeling kinda ehhh about not texting with Ryan. So those were some feelings. But then I got over it. I worked for half of winter break, and for half of it I hung out with beaaautiful people. I went to DC with my nursing friends. I saw two plays with Michelle - one called Constellations and one called This Is Our Youth. I hung out with Kitty a lot and we ate delicious things and went on an adventure to Highland Park. I hung out with Maria and Melissa a few times. I tried Cronuts finally!! I tried hot yoga. I tried and did a lot of things and now I feel like I want to make a list because I am feeling really good about all of it. I alsoooo e-mailed a lady named Dr. Kelly to tell her that I was interested in going on this trip that she was leading via study abroad.. to South Africa! And that was a thing that was in the works. So, things were pretty cool.

I guess things were relatively cool, because while I was really excited about all of these nice things, I did spend part of break feeling weird about ending my little texting streak with Ryan. I also was feeling lame because my mom was not into the idea of me studying abroad at allll. So that sucked. But I knew I had to figure out a way to make this happen for myself.

So, winter break ended. I got back to New Brunswick, and was back to living in what really feels like Amandas apartment. Amanda and Joe are in love, and Shannon and Brenden are engaged. And I am this ~free spirit~ (not really) 100% doing my own thing. And I am not mad about it. Shannon often talks about not being able to do certain things because she would feel bad traveling and not going to see Brenden. And Amanda spends sooo much time with Joe, so when she gets to be apart from him and see friends, she goes on and on about how she wishes she had more if it and how nice it feels. So I don't think I am jealous of them. I guess I am in a way just longing to experience that again, but in my own way. I don't want to pass up opportunities because of someone. And right now my friends are my world, so I do not want that to change. I just want companionship? I want someone to cuddle with sometimes. Or even simpler than that, I want to be able to rest my knees against someone else's knees.

Ugh, I have gotten very off track. So.. back in New Brunswick. Classes started. For some reason, college totally changes who I am as a person. This never happened in high school so its something I am still trying to understand. But college causes me to become hyper-focused, and its a feeling that is hard to shake, even when I am doing things that don't involve my studies. And I guess this weird hyper-focused state makes it hard for me to connect with people. I get back to my apartment and I don't really want to be bothered with my roommates. Idk. Or maybe its the weather. Or maybe I am a little homesick. Or maybe its all of that. There are just very specific moments when I want to talk to people. And when I don't want to talk to people, I really don't and I guess I am kind of an asshole. And its probably really hard for my roommates to understand. Which I feel bad about. And idk. Thats just another thing in a pile of lame.

However, that thought also feels very off track. Back to South Africa. So I really wanted to go and I decided I was going to do everything I could to make it happened. So I e-mailed all the necessary people and filled out all the necessary paperwork, and I broke it to my mom who was far from happy. At first I was all I am going to do it with or without you. However after two days of being up all night because I felt so bad about doing something without my moms support, I decided I should actually not go to South Africa. I called my mom and explained to her that I wasn't going anymore, and explained to her why. She agreed this was a wise decision, and I was so relieved to have her back on my side. So I contacted the study abroad folk, and they were all its too late. You're still gonna have to pay, so you might as well go. And I was like shiiiitttt. My mom said that she would call for me (because my mom is a badass, and I am too passive to get shit done the way she does). So my mom called Dr. Kelly, and then she called me and says shes letting me go to South Africa, and that as a graduation gift she is going to help me pay for it. I was so shocked, but so excited. I am still so excited!! But it still doesn't feel real. Its very strange. BUT I AM SO EXCITED. What I am trying to get at is that Study Abroad had me feeling very lame, and then it had me feeling really amazing, and I suppose now its sort of plateaued.

Back to the Ryan shenanigans.. so I sort of just accepted that the texting streak was over. I tried texting him a few more times, and he hardly responded, so I decided to just accept that for what it was. We texted here and there, it was nothing tooo special, and he always seemed to stop responding at some point so I just figured him texting me didn't mean anything. Then he texted me last Monday asking if I have plans for Saturday. I told him I had work in the morning, but that was it. He replied "May I buy you a dinner that evening?". And in my head I was like ~booo-yaaaa! freaking finally!!~. But then I realized that Saturday was Valentines day, so of course my brain started to get carried away, wondering if he didn't actually like me but instead was just asking me to hangout so that he didn't have to be alone. It just felt weird that he had all of this time to ask me to hangout and he decided to ask for a day during which people dread being alone. Either way, I had already agreed and I was looking forward to being able to hangout with him again.

I rushed home from work on Saturday, got ready, ran to the train, and Ryan met me at Penn Station. So heres the thing. When I think I might like a person, I act sooo casual around them because acting like I like them is a really scary thing. So the whole date was very casual. But it was also really fun. Ryan decided that we should start with dessert, so we went to this ice cream place right under the Brooklyn side of the Brooklyn Bridge. And we walked around a little. Then we went to this Italian restaurant (I don't remember the name!) but Ryan took the initiative to make reservations and all that which was sweet. After we ate, we just walked all over the city talking about really random things. But it was really nice. However, it was totally casual (probably mostly my fault?). So Ryan walked me to the bus and waited with me, and then when my bus came we hugged. And I got nervous. I didn't know what to do! So I just looked at him and thanked him for everything and I got on my bus. Should we have kissed? I really don't know. I definitely wouldn't have minded if we did. But, it is what it is.

Sooo, this leads us to yesterday. I am a part nut job, part wishful thinker, part person-who-says-she-wants-to-live-with-no-regrets-so-half-heartedly-tries-to-make-things-happen-but-fails.. so I texted Ryan and totally lied about needing to go back to the city to buy my brother a birthday present, and I asked if he wanted to do some homework with me at a coffee shop after I "ran errands". He said yes, and again I thought to myself ~boooo-yaaaa!~. And I told myself this time it was going to happen. But heres what actually happened: Ryan suggested this Edgar Allen Poe themed cafe, so we went there. We ordered our drinks and I got food because I was soo hungry. Ryan took out his laptop but he felt like the owneer of the cafe was eyeing him down (it seemed like more of a restaurant I suppose). So instead of doing work, I ate and Ryan told me all about this project he is working on with this guy called Mick Rock who is a famous photographer. The point of saying this is that we were sitting across a table and Ryan was talking and I was eating and there was no room for magic. So after we finished, we decided to look for a new place to go since it didn't seem like the place we were at was working. I wanted to go to this cafe with couches, and I figured we could be all cozied up and stuff which would be really nice. Except it was closed. So we instead went looking for somewhere, and found this non-memorable place and sat at a 4 person rectangle table and I was on one end and he was on the other and (basically..as far away from each other as possible). So I finished reading horrible Hemingway and then we talked about the kind of writing we like and that was really nice. It was nice to be sitting across from him and reading while he was doing work.. being in each others company but not having to talk or anything. So yaaaa. The cafe closed and we left and hopped on the train to go home. We were in the middle of talking about roommates and suddenly Ryan cut me off and was like "This is my stop! Text me the rest of that story!" and he gave me the quickest hug ever and ran away. I was so caught off guard, I didn't really know how to even process the whole thing.

He texted me a bit later and said "So, do I get the rest of that story?" which I thought was really sweet. But I am still really confused. Also he called me dude a lot when we hungout. I think its a thing he subconsciously does when he gets excited. But I am not a fan. And hes also moving to California in a few months so thats a thing. But like I mentioned earlier, I just want a companion (am I an 80 year old lady looking for visitors?). So I guess him moving doesn't matter that much. I just want to kiss him and immediately after tell him "please stop calling me dude!". But yeah, I guess that has me feeling weird. I am tired of just being a bro or whatever. Iddddddk.

Gosh, all of this seriously took me over an hour to write which is craaaazzy. But it was nice to think it all through and process all of it and kinda just tell the internet about my life. Its good. Its really good. I just sometimes get caught up and let myself fester in some of the negative bits which isn't cool. But like I said, writing and thinking helps. So, theres that.

Also, I am not proofreading this. #yolo

Friday, December 26, 2014

Things I've Figured Out in the Past Few Days

1) You don't have to go to art school to make art.
2) Just because you don't go to art school right after high school doesn't mean you can never go to art school.
3) Nurses can make art.
4) Its best to not hang out with boys you like at 1am.
5) Its best to not kiss boys you like at 1am.
6) If you like someone, wait.
7) If you like someone in Minnesota, wait till they get back to New York.
8) You shouldn't let yourself like people to easily.
9) But keeping an open mind and an open heart is okay.
10) Not all friends will be friends forever.
11) Sometimes you have to bully people into being your friend forever.
12) Its best to not do that, because who the heck wants to be friends with someone they have to bully into being friends with them?!
13) Reading is really lovely.
14) Its cool to read things you want to read, and not things that you think would make you seem more "interesting" or "likeable" or whatever.
15) Its easy to get sucked into the internet.
16) Its easy to get sucked into creeping on people on the internet.
17) This can be inspiring, or it can be a huge waste of time.
18) Today it was inspiring.
19) This year I am going to start a 365 project, and stick to it!


Sunday, November 30, 2014

Stream of consciousness blabbering

Reading biographies of people is not something that I do often, but whenever I do I am reminded of how short my life has been so far. I was just reading about Shel Silverstein (because he's the bomb) and I learned that although he started writing when he was just 12, he did a lot of random stuff before he was published. He was in the Korean War, he drew cartoons for Playboy and Sports Illustrated and had the Giving Tree rejected for publication on his first try. Once his career kicked off as a children's author, he also worked on over a dozen albums of music! And he died when he was only 69. I know these are all random fun facts, but the point is that I am only 21. I often get so caught up thinking about what I have done with my life, and all the things I have yet to do. And a lot of times I get overwhelmed by feeling like I haven't done enough and thinking of all the growing and life events that should have happened to me by now. All of the interests I should have established. All of the hobbies I should be really good at. All the music I should have heard and books I should have read and events in history I should know about. But I have a whole life ahead of me. I know I have a lot of shit to work on, and that thats kind of exciting.

I was thinking about it on the train the other day; theres this girl in the nursing program who basically is the person I strive to be. She is really good at the piano, she works out regularly, shes super into reading and writing but also has a really steady social life and a boyfriend, she has a good sense of humor and is ridiculously articulate and informed on politics and world events. And yeah, while it would be great to be there already, I am not. And thats so cool. I have things to look forward to! I am looking forward to learning how to play the piano and getting excited about all the little songs I learn before I get good. If I was already there, I wouldn't have that. I get to look forward to finding myself and creating myself and growing and growing and growing and reading and writing and running and learning and growing. I am not there yet. Thats awesome. Who the heck wasntsss to be there yet?! I am a freaking mess, and it can only get better from here.

Reading a biography for Leo Tolstoy I learned that he had to transfer colleges because the one he was in was too hard, he got kicked out of his second college because he partied too much, and failed as a farmer before picking up journaling which influenced his work as a writer. His career and all that he is known for didn't pick up until waaayyy later in life, and he failed a lot before he got there. Which I think is really badass. He also has a really badass beard. Just saying. (Shel Silverstein also has a rather incredible beard. I obviously just really like men with beards!)

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Am I an adult...?


Yesterday at work I was caring for this 14 year old girl when my hospital pager rang, letting me know that a patient in another room needed my help. Since I had a free hand, I pulled the pager out of my pocket to acknowledge the call so that I would have to feel that buzzing in my pocket for the next 10 minutes while I was with her. I still had the phone in my hand when my patient asked "how do you do that?" "Do what?" I asked. "How do you use that phone? I want to know how to be an adult".

Woah there. She is asking me how to be an adult?! Does that mean I am an adult?! Its almost 11am and I am sitting here in my PJs with my hair a mess, my bed unmade and dishes in my sink. The other day when I went grocery shopping, I tried to only spend $20 because theres only a few bucks in my bank account right now. My mom had to come down to New Brunswick yesterday to take me to the doctor because I felt really awful, and when she said "You don't need me to come in with you, do you?" I had to refrain from saying "Yes, yes I do need you to come".

But then again I can see how to this girl I do seem like an adult. I wear scrubs which makes me look very similar to all of the nurses that care for her, who are actually adults. I suppose I am in a position of authority over her - telling her whether or not she can go to rec based on the other things we need to do to care for her.

Its just really interesting to think about the different kind of characters we become based on our setting and based on the other people around. If I am with my mom and my brother, then I suppose I am a bit of an adult and my mom treats me like an equal. But if it is just me and my mom, then I seem like more of a child. And obviously when I am just with my friends, we are all equals - 21 year old equals doing 21 year old things such as "meeting for drinks" which tends to make us feel very grown up.

I don't know. I guess the whole point of this rant is just me trying to figure out exactly where I am in life. We are just sort of in this very interesting middle ground, but I am pretty happy here. I am in no rush to understand exactly what being an adult means.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Work and shiz

So something happened at work today, and I just want to write about it while it is still fresh in my memory and the feelings are still raw. I was caring for a patient who has a spinal chord injury - just helping him get from the toilet into his chair. I had come back from my dinner break not long before, and was trying to calm down after feeling overwhelmed and like I wanted to cry all morning (not for any reason in specific - I just get myself worked up). As I am helping this patient, we are chatting, and he mentioned that he could feel me touching his feet while I was putting on his boots. He then went on to tell me all about his injury, and how he has come such a long way and he is not even half way through the healing process. I asked him if he thought it was from all the different therapies he was receiving at the hospital. He said yes, and then he went on to tell me it wasn't just the therapists, but everyone at the hospital - that he felt like the entire staff ("people like you," he said) had helped him get to where he was. He said that he felt like he had a family at the hospital because he sees everyone there more than he sees his own family, and how if he doesn't see someone for a while, he'll ask about them. And then he told me his goal of being able to walk again.

Everything about it was just so special. I can't fully put it into words and I am also in a rush so I can't sit here and try to find them, but I just felt like I wanted to have this moment written down to look back on. And after such a  stressful morning (did I mention the morning was not actually stressful? I just make things stressful) what this patient said was so amazing to hear. It really reassured me that this is exactly where I want to be. I want to be helping people recover from the hardest parts of their lives - specifically I want to help children. Children like this special patient who still have so much of their life left, and who are so driven and inspiring and thankful for our work.

Okay, off to firefllyyyyy!!!

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Dream Summer

With summer break just NINE days away, its no surprise I cannot stop thinking about summer and how I want to spend my three and a half months (OMG, THREE AND A HALF GLORIOUS MONTHS!) of freedom. As I sit here trying to study for exams, my mind keeps wandering to what my ideal summer days will be like. So I decided to jot a few of them down.

Lazy days: I found this really incredible trail to run. Its totally secluded and silent and the repetitive sound of my feet hitting the trail is one of the most comforting sounds ever. Needless to say I am in love, and this trail has totally renewed my passion for running. So one idea summer day would be waking up super early to run the trail. Taking some time to just sit down and take it all in, perhaps doing some yoga, or just sitting for a while and thinking. Then running back home, showering, getting ready and heading to the New Brunswick farmers market, or the Highland Park farmers market. Making lunch and sitting outside while I eat. Then heading to a local coffee shop, perhaps with friends to catch up, or alone with a book as a way to avoid the heat. Maybe at night drinking outside with some friends and chatting or setting up a BBQ.

Work days: I applied for this job at a hospital called Children's Specialized. My hope are way too high right now, and in my mind I already have the job, which is somewhat unhealthy because it means that I will be incredibly crushed if it doesn't work out. However, I have already started planning some summer days revolving around my summer life as a pediatric patient care technician. Depending on if I end up working the morning or evening shift, I'd have a personal training session right before or right after work. I'd spend a few days a week taking care of the most amazing and inspiring little kids. The rest of the day would be spent relaxing, reading, watching a movie or hanging out with some friends.

Weekends: So, it seems at though I have planed most of my summer with the intention of being in New Brunswick. But I definitely want to be home with my mom and brother also. Perhaps I could plan my work schedule so that I work 3 days a week, with two days off in New Brunswick to hit the trail and relax. Then I could head home for two days to see my mom and Thomas and Tom. My mom and I could get lunch and head to the mall together or to flea markets in the area. And Thomas and I could spend our days playing basketball and our nights catching up on Boy Meets World or Full House.

Adventures and day trips: Obviously summer is the idea time to travel and go on day/weekend trips, so I hope to have a few of these as well. I already plan on spending 4 days camping with my friends at Firefly Music Festival. I really hope my job at Children's Specialized (there I go again, planning as if I've already been hired) doesn't conflict. But we'll figure that out when the time comes.

Yeap, so ideally that's how its going to happen. I know that this post was a bit disorganized  I just needed to get these day dream out of my head. Now, back to studying so that I pass my exams and don't end up having to spend my summer in summer classes!!

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

21 years

My birthday is on Sunday! And it really is the weirdest thing! I was writing notes with my friend in class (yeap, thats a thing that I do because I am almost 21 and almost a nurse with peoples lives in my hands) and she mentioned that it was almost my birthday, to which I replied "I am not ready! I don't feel like I have 21 years worth of life experience yet". And after saying it, I just realized how true it was. Its weird because in most situations, saying that you're 21 means that you're still relatively young and inexperienced. But just by changing the wording around a bit - for 21 years I have been alive and trying to figure myself and this world out - twenty one years is SO long! When people are married for 20 years its like damn, they've been together for a long time. Well I have been in this body for 20 years. I have been on this early for 20 years. I have been living and breathing and eating and pooping and learning for TWENTY YEARS! And I still feel like I don't know anything.

None the less, I am excited for my birthday. I am excited to have another whole year of growth and learning and hopefully this year I will learn more about myself than I did last year. Looking back on twentieth year, here are some of my favorite memories;

April;
I don't have any good pictures of memories from April apparently. All I remember is having a very unsatisfying birthday. But it happens!

May;
Completing training for Scarlet Listeners
 Studying outside with Max and getting eaten alive
 My first basement show and finding my love for wine
 Summer sitting outside with this little guy
The Great Googa Mooga Festival with this beautiful lady! (And also David and Randy on a different day)
June;
 Despite the fact that summer classes made me feel like this^, they were really satisfying and it was a worthwhile sacrifice. Plus I met some nice people
 Governor's Ball!
 It rained so much at Governor's Ball!!
Firefly and camping and music and so many wonderful things about that weekend!
July;
Getting my beaauutiful bike! (Which I later named Robin thanks to Faline)
Nights like this in New Brunswick spent cooking with friends

August
Thursday coffee dates and getting closer with this lady!
That time we tried really hard to make wings, and made too much mac and cheese
That time we walked to a party across the street with our own cups
That time Ryan punched me in the fact (at party mentioned above)
That time we all switched faces
That time Michelle saw Charlie from Girls in real life and I freaked out
That time I liked Ryan and we left eachother funny notes
That time I went to the New Brunswick Farmers market and about really beautiful and delicious food!
That time me, Max, Amanda and Liz when hiking, and I didn't cry...
...And then we all jumped off this rock! (And I took a poop in the great outdoors before jumping)
That time I went canoeing with Amanda, Alex and Nick, and we ate so much great food and went swimming and created our own camp site after hours of struggling and searching...
...And then the next day we jumped off the bridge seen behind us...
...And took this really cool, gangsta picture...
My first stethoscope!!

September;
My first ever day of clinical - such an amazing day!
My amazing clinical group and instructor
Spending so much time in this lab and learning so much
October;
Got my second tattoo, in honor of my amazing and missed grandma
Saw a c-section, and got to wear scrubs like a badass...
...But first we needed to take a selfie
Halloween was literally the funniest and we got so drunk and it was disgusting and amazing...
...and Jordan was so creepy, and we were so drunk and went to the fresh grocer at like 3am

November;
Good times at clinical
Thanksgiving potluck at 32 Dix...
...And my homemade brown derby and whipedcream bar

December;
Celebrating finals at Tumulty's ...
...And eating way too much food and drinking way too much tequila 

January;
Celebrating New Years with my best friend!

February;
Snow days and fort building and snowball fights
Peds clinical and this delicious Mac and Cheese while bonding
So many days spent at the library with this lady
Atlantic city and the Nursing Convention and too much wine...
...And watching her gamble away her entire $20

March;
All of the crazy stories and memories made living with this guy...
...and that time he threw out all our food
And more library time spent with this chika