Sunday, November 30, 2014

Stream of consciousness blabbering

Reading biographies of people is not something that I do often, but whenever I do I am reminded of how short my life has been so far. I was just reading about Shel Silverstein (because he's the bomb) and I learned that although he started writing when he was just 12, he did a lot of random stuff before he was published. He was in the Korean War, he drew cartoons for Playboy and Sports Illustrated and had the Giving Tree rejected for publication on his first try. Once his career kicked off as a children's author, he also worked on over a dozen albums of music! And he died when he was only 69. I know these are all random fun facts, but the point is that I am only 21. I often get so caught up thinking about what I have done with my life, and all the things I have yet to do. And a lot of times I get overwhelmed by feeling like I haven't done enough and thinking of all the growing and life events that should have happened to me by now. All of the interests I should have established. All of the hobbies I should be really good at. All the music I should have heard and books I should have read and events in history I should know about. But I have a whole life ahead of me. I know I have a lot of shit to work on, and that thats kind of exciting.

I was thinking about it on the train the other day; theres this girl in the nursing program who basically is the person I strive to be. She is really good at the piano, she works out regularly, shes super into reading and writing but also has a really steady social life and a boyfriend, she has a good sense of humor and is ridiculously articulate and informed on politics and world events. And yeah, while it would be great to be there already, I am not. And thats so cool. I have things to look forward to! I am looking forward to learning how to play the piano and getting excited about all the little songs I learn before I get good. If I was already there, I wouldn't have that. I get to look forward to finding myself and creating myself and growing and growing and growing and reading and writing and running and learning and growing. I am not there yet. Thats awesome. Who the heck wasntsss to be there yet?! I am a freaking mess, and it can only get better from here.

Reading a biography for Leo Tolstoy I learned that he had to transfer colleges because the one he was in was too hard, he got kicked out of his second college because he partied too much, and failed as a farmer before picking up journaling which influenced his work as a writer. His career and all that he is known for didn't pick up until waaayyy later in life, and he failed a lot before he got there. Which I think is really badass. He also has a really badass beard. Just saying. (Shel Silverstein also has a rather incredible beard. I obviously just really like men with beards!)

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Am I an adult...?


Yesterday at work I was caring for this 14 year old girl when my hospital pager rang, letting me know that a patient in another room needed my help. Since I had a free hand, I pulled the pager out of my pocket to acknowledge the call so that I would have to feel that buzzing in my pocket for the next 10 minutes while I was with her. I still had the phone in my hand when my patient asked "how do you do that?" "Do what?" I asked. "How do you use that phone? I want to know how to be an adult".

Woah there. She is asking me how to be an adult?! Does that mean I am an adult?! Its almost 11am and I am sitting here in my PJs with my hair a mess, my bed unmade and dishes in my sink. The other day when I went grocery shopping, I tried to only spend $20 because theres only a few bucks in my bank account right now. My mom had to come down to New Brunswick yesterday to take me to the doctor because I felt really awful, and when she said "You don't need me to come in with you, do you?" I had to refrain from saying "Yes, yes I do need you to come".

But then again I can see how to this girl I do seem like an adult. I wear scrubs which makes me look very similar to all of the nurses that care for her, who are actually adults. I suppose I am in a position of authority over her - telling her whether or not she can go to rec based on the other things we need to do to care for her.

Its just really interesting to think about the different kind of characters we become based on our setting and based on the other people around. If I am with my mom and my brother, then I suppose I am a bit of an adult and my mom treats me like an equal. But if it is just me and my mom, then I seem like more of a child. And obviously when I am just with my friends, we are all equals - 21 year old equals doing 21 year old things such as "meeting for drinks" which tends to make us feel very grown up.

I don't know. I guess the whole point of this rant is just me trying to figure out exactly where I am in life. We are just sort of in this very interesting middle ground, but I am pretty happy here. I am in no rush to understand exactly what being an adult means.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Work and shiz

So something happened at work today, and I just want to write about it while it is still fresh in my memory and the feelings are still raw. I was caring for a patient who has a spinal chord injury - just helping him get from the toilet into his chair. I had come back from my dinner break not long before, and was trying to calm down after feeling overwhelmed and like I wanted to cry all morning (not for any reason in specific - I just get myself worked up). As I am helping this patient, we are chatting, and he mentioned that he could feel me touching his feet while I was putting on his boots. He then went on to tell me all about his injury, and how he has come such a long way and he is not even half way through the healing process. I asked him if he thought it was from all the different therapies he was receiving at the hospital. He said yes, and then he went on to tell me it wasn't just the therapists, but everyone at the hospital - that he felt like the entire staff ("people like you," he said) had helped him get to where he was. He said that he felt like he had a family at the hospital because he sees everyone there more than he sees his own family, and how if he doesn't see someone for a while, he'll ask about them. And then he told me his goal of being able to walk again.

Everything about it was just so special. I can't fully put it into words and I am also in a rush so I can't sit here and try to find them, but I just felt like I wanted to have this moment written down to look back on. And after such a  stressful morning (did I mention the morning was not actually stressful? I just make things stressful) what this patient said was so amazing to hear. It really reassured me that this is exactly where I want to be. I want to be helping people recover from the hardest parts of their lives - specifically I want to help children. Children like this special patient who still have so much of their life left, and who are so driven and inspiring and thankful for our work.

Okay, off to firefllyyyyy!!!

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Dream Summer

With summer break just NINE days away, its no surprise I cannot stop thinking about summer and how I want to spend my three and a half months (OMG, THREE AND A HALF GLORIOUS MONTHS!) of freedom. As I sit here trying to study for exams, my mind keeps wandering to what my ideal summer days will be like. So I decided to jot a few of them down.

Lazy days: I found this really incredible trail to run. Its totally secluded and silent and the repetitive sound of my feet hitting the trail is one of the most comforting sounds ever. Needless to say I am in love, and this trail has totally renewed my passion for running. So one idea summer day would be waking up super early to run the trail. Taking some time to just sit down and take it all in, perhaps doing some yoga, or just sitting for a while and thinking. Then running back home, showering, getting ready and heading to the New Brunswick farmers market, or the Highland Park farmers market. Making lunch and sitting outside while I eat. Then heading to a local coffee shop, perhaps with friends to catch up, or alone with a book as a way to avoid the heat. Maybe at night drinking outside with some friends and chatting or setting up a BBQ.

Work days: I applied for this job at a hospital called Children's Specialized. My hope are way too high right now, and in my mind I already have the job, which is somewhat unhealthy because it means that I will be incredibly crushed if it doesn't work out. However, I have already started planning some summer days revolving around my summer life as a pediatric patient care technician. Depending on if I end up working the morning or evening shift, I'd have a personal training session right before or right after work. I'd spend a few days a week taking care of the most amazing and inspiring little kids. The rest of the day would be spent relaxing, reading, watching a movie or hanging out with some friends.

Weekends: So, it seems at though I have planed most of my summer with the intention of being in New Brunswick. But I definitely want to be home with my mom and brother also. Perhaps I could plan my work schedule so that I work 3 days a week, with two days off in New Brunswick to hit the trail and relax. Then I could head home for two days to see my mom and Thomas and Tom. My mom and I could get lunch and head to the mall together or to flea markets in the area. And Thomas and I could spend our days playing basketball and our nights catching up on Boy Meets World or Full House.

Adventures and day trips: Obviously summer is the idea time to travel and go on day/weekend trips, so I hope to have a few of these as well. I already plan on spending 4 days camping with my friends at Firefly Music Festival. I really hope my job at Children's Specialized (there I go again, planning as if I've already been hired) doesn't conflict. But we'll figure that out when the time comes.

Yeap, so ideally that's how its going to happen. I know that this post was a bit disorganized  I just needed to get these day dream out of my head. Now, back to studying so that I pass my exams and don't end up having to spend my summer in summer classes!!

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

21 years

My birthday is on Sunday! And it really is the weirdest thing! I was writing notes with my friend in class (yeap, thats a thing that I do because I am almost 21 and almost a nurse with peoples lives in my hands) and she mentioned that it was almost my birthday, to which I replied "I am not ready! I don't feel like I have 21 years worth of life experience yet". And after saying it, I just realized how true it was. Its weird because in most situations, saying that you're 21 means that you're still relatively young and inexperienced. But just by changing the wording around a bit - for 21 years I have been alive and trying to figure myself and this world out - twenty one years is SO long! When people are married for 20 years its like damn, they've been together for a long time. Well I have been in this body for 20 years. I have been on this early for 20 years. I have been living and breathing and eating and pooping and learning for TWENTY YEARS! And I still feel like I don't know anything.

None the less, I am excited for my birthday. I am excited to have another whole year of growth and learning and hopefully this year I will learn more about myself than I did last year. Looking back on twentieth year, here are some of my favorite memories;

April;
I don't have any good pictures of memories from April apparently. All I remember is having a very unsatisfying birthday. But it happens!

May;
Completing training for Scarlet Listeners
 Studying outside with Max and getting eaten alive
 My first basement show and finding my love for wine
 Summer sitting outside with this little guy
The Great Googa Mooga Festival with this beautiful lady! (And also David and Randy on a different day)
June;
 Despite the fact that summer classes made me feel like this^, they were really satisfying and it was a worthwhile sacrifice. Plus I met some nice people
 Governor's Ball!
 It rained so much at Governor's Ball!!
Firefly and camping and music and so many wonderful things about that weekend!
July;
Getting my beaauutiful bike! (Which I later named Robin thanks to Faline)
Nights like this in New Brunswick spent cooking with friends

August
Thursday coffee dates and getting closer with this lady!
That time we tried really hard to make wings, and made too much mac and cheese
That time we walked to a party across the street with our own cups
That time Ryan punched me in the fact (at party mentioned above)
That time we all switched faces
That time Michelle saw Charlie from Girls in real life and I freaked out
That time I liked Ryan and we left eachother funny notes
That time I went to the New Brunswick Farmers market and about really beautiful and delicious food!
That time me, Max, Amanda and Liz when hiking, and I didn't cry...
...And then we all jumped off this rock! (And I took a poop in the great outdoors before jumping)
That time I went canoeing with Amanda, Alex and Nick, and we ate so much great food and went swimming and created our own camp site after hours of struggling and searching...
...And then the next day we jumped off the bridge seen behind us...
...And took this really cool, gangsta picture...
My first stethoscope!!

September;
My first ever day of clinical - such an amazing day!
My amazing clinical group and instructor
Spending so much time in this lab and learning so much
October;
Got my second tattoo, in honor of my amazing and missed grandma
Saw a c-section, and got to wear scrubs like a badass...
...But first we needed to take a selfie
Halloween was literally the funniest and we got so drunk and it was disgusting and amazing...
...and Jordan was so creepy, and we were so drunk and went to the fresh grocer at like 3am

November;
Good times at clinical
Thanksgiving potluck at 32 Dix...
...And my homemade brown derby and whipedcream bar

December;
Celebrating finals at Tumulty's ...
...And eating way too much food and drinking way too much tequila 

January;
Celebrating New Years with my best friend!

February;
Snow days and fort building and snowball fights
Peds clinical and this delicious Mac and Cheese while bonding
So many days spent at the library with this lady
Atlantic city and the Nursing Convention and too much wine...
...And watching her gamble away her entire $20

March;
All of the crazy stories and memories made living with this guy...
...and that time he threw out all our food
And more library time spent with this chika