Wednesday, April 2, 2014

21 years

My birthday is on Sunday! And it really is the weirdest thing! I was writing notes with my friend in class (yeap, thats a thing that I do because I am almost 21 and almost a nurse with peoples lives in my hands) and she mentioned that it was almost my birthday, to which I replied "I am not ready! I don't feel like I have 21 years worth of life experience yet". And after saying it, I just realized how true it was. Its weird because in most situations, saying that you're 21 means that you're still relatively young and inexperienced. But just by changing the wording around a bit - for 21 years I have been alive and trying to figure myself and this world out - twenty one years is SO long! When people are married for 20 years its like damn, they've been together for a long time. Well I have been in this body for 20 years. I have been on this early for 20 years. I have been living and breathing and eating and pooping and learning for TWENTY YEARS! And I still feel like I don't know anything.

None the less, I am excited for my birthday. I am excited to have another whole year of growth and learning and hopefully this year I will learn more about myself than I did last year. Looking back on twentieth year, here are some of my favorite memories;

I don't have any good pictures of memories from April apparently. All I remember is having a very unsatisfying birthday. But it happens!

Completing training for Scarlet Listeners
 Studying outside with Max and getting eaten alive
 My first basement show and finding my love for wine
 Summer sitting outside with this little guy
The Great Googa Mooga Festival with this beautiful lady! (And also David and Randy on a different day)
 Despite the fact that summer classes made me feel like this^, they were really satisfying and it was a worthwhile sacrifice. Plus I met some nice people
 Governor's Ball!
 It rained so much at Governor's Ball!!
Firefly and camping and music and so many wonderful things about that weekend!
Getting my beaauutiful bike! (Which I later named Robin thanks to Faline)
Nights like this in New Brunswick spent cooking with friends

Thursday coffee dates and getting closer with this lady!
That time we tried really hard to make wings, and made too much mac and cheese
That time we walked to a party across the street with our own cups
That time Ryan punched me in the fact (at party mentioned above)
That time we all switched faces
That time Michelle saw Charlie from Girls in real life and I freaked out
That time I liked Ryan and we left eachother funny notes
That time I went to the New Brunswick Farmers market and about really beautiful and delicious food!
That time me, Max, Amanda and Liz when hiking, and I didn't cry...
...And then we all jumped off this rock! (And I took a poop in the great outdoors before jumping)
That time I went canoeing with Amanda, Alex and Nick, and we ate so much great food and went swimming and created our own camp site after hours of struggling and searching...
...And then the next day we jumped off the bridge seen behind us...
...And took this really cool, gangsta picture...
My first stethoscope!!

My first ever day of clinical - such an amazing day!
My amazing clinical group and instructor
Spending so much time in this lab and learning so much
Got my second tattoo, in honor of my amazing and missed grandma
Saw a c-section, and got to wear scrubs like a badass...
...But first we needed to take a selfie
Halloween was literally the funniest and we got so drunk and it was disgusting and amazing...
...and Jordan was so creepy, and we were so drunk and went to the fresh grocer at like 3am

Good times at clinical
Thanksgiving potluck at 32 Dix...
...And my homemade brown derby and whipedcream bar

Celebrating finals at Tumulty's ...
...And eating way too much food and drinking way too much tequila 

Celebrating New Years with my best friend!

Snow days and fort building and snowball fights
Peds clinical and this delicious Mac and Cheese while bonding
So many days spent at the library with this lady
Atlantic city and the Nursing Convention and too much wine...
...And watching her gamble away her entire $20

All of the crazy stories and memories made living with this guy...
...and that time he threw out all our food
And more library time spent with this chika

Sunday, March 30, 2014

My favorite part of today ... (3/24 - 3/30)

Monday March 24
... the last half a mile of my run at a 9:15 pace
Tuesday March 25
... lotioning my legs post shaving them
Wednesday March 26
... the poop comedian at Huntington Poetry Club
Thursday March 27
... the feeling I got from facetiming with some of my favorite people
Friday March  28
... the first mile of my run which was about a 9 minute pace 
Saturday March 29
...being alone and happy by myself at hidden grounds after a bunch of shitty morning feels
(...also running into Amanda at hidden grounds)
(...also, being social with new people at Kittys party despite my weird mood)
Sunday March 30
... reading this blog at work today and realizing that its okay to date and fail and continue to try and find my partner in this world, and that I shouldn't judge myself for trying to do so.

I don't know if I will continue to do this every week, but I really liked reflecting on each day and picking out a few moments that were special to me. Maybe each week I'll do a different sort of reflection list. It seems like a great way to grow, and an awesome thing to look back on.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Hand written tidbits

I went to Starbucks after class today. I sat there with my coffee, scribbling in my planner - figuring out what I would study and when for my next exam, and also making plans for things I am excited for this week. But then I ran out of things to plan. And I still had about half a cup of coffee left, and so much more to say, but no computer and a phone that only had 4% left. So I decided to write. And it felt really good. And I wanted to put it here so that I can look back at it one day, and remember these feels. Here it is:

Sunday, March 23, 2014

The Little Things

Today is kind of a meh day. But here are some things I am excited for

1) To be done with work
2) To go home and finish my burrito. And perhaps also eat some chicken pot pie
3) To spend the rest of the night in my bed, studying, but still in bed
4) To see my roomie after like, over a week
5) That my exam tomorrow is at 8:30, and then I have no worries till April 8th
I never got to post this, but I did eat my burrito, and chicken pot pie. And I am currently studying in bed. And its lovely.

I want to do more posts like this. Things that make me happy. Things I am grateful for. Things that I am looking forward too. Heres some things I am excited about for tomorrow:

1) Coffee and a shower super early in the morning
2) Being done with my exam by 9:50
3) A trip to starbucks before work
4) The gym after work
5) Going to barnes and noble to treat myself to a new book - books are way better than boys, am I right?
6) Chillaxing at home for the rest of the evening!

Tomorrow will be a good day. Because I have control of how tomorrow turns out. And I am choosing to make it a good day. And thats a preeetty cool thing.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Sprinnnng, it came upon us

Even though I use this blog way less often than I used to, I really love having it to look back on. Its so fun to read through old posts! Definitely keeps me inspired to keep blogging more. Here is a list for my future self of what I have been up to lately!

1) Its spring break, but it definitely does not feel like spring. I went to the mall yesterday and bought lots of spring clothes, but that is about the most springy thing that has happened this break. I have been working at the bakery, chillaxing with my brother and watching TV. I've also painted my nails TWICE in the 5 days I have been home. Now that I have a hang of how to paint my nails without getting nail polish all over my fingers, its something I actually kind of enjoy. I am a little disappointed I forgot my running shoes at my house in NB, but that just makes me even more excited to go for a run when I get back home!

2) I have been talking to this human (Michelle, when you read this don't kill me. I haven't told you because I have been trying to figure out where this relation is going before I shared this information with you) and I just don't freaking know what to do about it. Hes very very busy, and doesn't really seem to be making the time to hang out with me. The few times that we did see each other, we both agreed that it was really nice. But I've explained to him how I've talked to boys before who are all about texting and not chilling, and how I don't really like that. And yet that seems to be what this is becoming. I don't know what to do really. I don't know where this is going, and I don't know his feelings on it, and I don't know if I am really even getting anything out of this. I just really wish that I could see him to talk about all of this jazz, but he gets home from work and coaching at like 8, and then he goes for a run and by the end of that he's so exhausted that he basically just passes out.

3) I just finished up my peds rotation and now I am in the beginning of my medserg rotation. I have to say, I freaking loved peds and I definitely do not feel the same about medserg. Also, my medserg instructor suuuuuuucks. But my clinical now has been condensed into one 12 hour day rather than two 6 hour days, and thats nice. That means I get a day off!! Plus, I really love the people in my group for this rotation, so its really fun to get to spend so much time with them and drag them around to help me take care of crazy old peeps.

4) I think I always get this feeling when I have a little extra time on my hands. I just really wish I was doing a bit more. Which is absolutely nuts to say because when I am at school, between class and work and studying and trying to hangout with people, I cannot imagine having anything else on my plate. I just really wish I had a goal that I was working towards. Studying takes up so much of time time, but after school I will have nothing to show for all the information in my noggin. I want a creative project to be working on. I really wanna freaking learn how to play the piano. I was working on it over winter break, and I should get back to it now that I have some spring break time. And no surprise, I want some running goals to work on as well.

Merp. Well, I guess thats it for now.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Self love, running and other thoughts

I have been having a lot of internal struggles lately. I guess what it really boils down to is that its winter break, and I am spending a lot more time with myself, and as much as I thought that I was okay with that whole self love thing, I have come to realize that I am actually really horrible at it. In fact, I get caught up in these crazy whirlwinds of picking myself apart, and thinking really mean things about myself that I would never ever say about other people. Its something I am trying really hard to work on though. I cant say its getting better just yet, but I've at least acknowledged that this pattern of thought is not healthy, and I suppose thats the first step.

I went for my first longer run in a really long time tonight, and it felt so great. I sat in my room for a while debating if I wanted to go. I made a map on mapmyrun, and then I told myself I'd run it tomorrow during the day. But then I realized I was doing absolutely nothing with my night and seriously had no excuse to not go. I had my route picked, I had my running clothes ready, and I had plenty of time to spare. So I went, and I ran 3.5 miles. Its not much compared to what I was doing when training for half marathons and the such. But its still something. And it felt really great. It took about a mile (as it usually does) for me to find a good rhythm, really settle in, and adjust to the cold air. But once I found it, I was pretty glad that I still had 2.5 miles left to enjoy it. And my legs started to get a little tired, which made me think about the cliche that running is just as much a mental sport as it is a physical one. And that thought kept me going all the way back to my house.

Now I am home, nice and settle with tea on my right and the book Born to Run on my right. With the exception of a few nights with friends, my break has pretty much consisted of chill nights like this, at home just relaxing. At first I hated it - it was such a rough adjustment from the madness I went through this semester. But now I am learning to appreciate these nights, and I know I am going to miss them when the semester starts!

I was just about to end this post, but I had another thought. I think chill nights at home are hard to enjoy when you're watching youtube videos of awesome people driving across India, and watching people on TV doing these crazy things with there friends. I don't know. I think one big part of self care and self love that I am really trying hard to learn is to not compare myself to other people. And that is 1000x easier to do when you disconnect from the TV and internet, because then you really have less to compare yourself to. Obviously I am not saying that I want to stop watching TV and going on the internet all together. I love those things way too much. But I think my love for those things has also been a huge contributor in my weird lack of self esteem lately.