tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37551679926271321822024-02-18T21:19:51.836-05:00Fishie in the SeaJesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04088767332910065205noreply@blogger.comBlogger114125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3755167992627132182.post-49650976204371349452015-09-18T17:55:00.000-04:002015-09-18T17:55:54.288-04:00I have no idea what I am doingI have absolutely no idea what I am doing. I'm 22, I just graduated college, and now I feel like I am just waiting for my life to start. <i>Does life ever feel like it's started? Will I ever feel like a person? How am I going to take care of kids when I can hardly take care of myself?</i> These are questions that I ask myself on the regular. But here's the cool thing - the more I admit to my friends that I have no idea what I am doing, the more I realize that I am not alone. When I told my therapist that I wished there was a class in college called "How to be a Person" she laughed at me. It seems that while floating around in this big crazy ocean of life can feel isolating, I'm not alone in this. You, dear reader friend, are not alone in this.<br />
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Heres another thought I have on the regular: <i>There are so many freaking things I want to do with my life!</i> And I am constantly torn between reassuring myself: <i>you're only 22 years old..you have about a billion years left to do all the things you want to do, silly Jessica!</i> and hating myself: <i>What a waste these past 22 years have been. If I had started working to be where I want to be when I was born, I'd be set by now! WTF, Jessica! Why do you procrastinate so much?! </i>It's a weird dialogue that goes on in my brain. And while I've never admitted that I have these conversation with myself, I'd like to imagine that my friends would be just as supportive of this sort of madness as they are of these lost feelings I am constantly discussing.<br />
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I feel like I would be a hypocrite if I didn't admit this one thing: While I do feel terribly lost 98% of the time, I have a nice little comfy job that is waiting for me (well, it's actually the exact opposite of comfy. It's terrifying since I'll be taking care of little lives). I'll also admit that I am very superstitious and paranoid, and I recently had to pee in a cup for said job; I am really worried that the j I smoked with friends two months ago at Firefly is going to appear in my pee even though I know that's not how drugs work.<br />
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Brains are so weird. Am I the only person who hates themselves for the thoughts they have? I am sitting here at my desk wondering <i>will anyone like the stuff I am writing? </i>But then I hate myself for having these thoughts because I should be writing this ~just for me~ and I shouldn't care about what anyone thinks. My therapist recommended that I read this book called <i>Getting Love Right</i> by Gorski because she thinks my dysfunctional upbringing could have something to do with why I suck at relationships. In the book, a fictional character named Susan (who comes from a functional home, congratulations Susan) explains how thoughts and feelings work: "I know that I am not my thoughts. I am the person who <i>thinks</i> my thoughts. I also know that I am not my feelings, I am the person who <i>experiences</i> my feelings. I know that I am not my behavior, I am the person who chooses to act or not act" (p.37 ...Are citations required in a blog post? Idk. I feel guilty not using them/ I don't want to get sued). I DON'T GET THIS! Has my dysfunctional upbringing screwed up my brain that much?! But if I am thinking the thoughts, then how are they not me?! If I care about what other people think about my writing, that is not me? But that is me! I don't know, man. Words and life are weird and this sort of turned into a big rant more than anything else, but hopefully someone else is feeling my feels. And hopefully someone else understands Susan's feel, because I really don't get that chick.Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04088767332910065205noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3755167992627132182.post-10138843541753897402015-08-06T12:49:00.000-04:002015-09-18T18:00:44.406-04:00The Beauty of Starting OverStarting over is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I guess its sort of a huge theme in life post-college. School has always been a source of comfort (although it was very annoying, it has been one of the only consistent parts of my life for the past 18ish years). And so now that I am done with school, I am starting over. Figuring out where to go from here and whats next, and how I can transport myself from this wide open ocean, onto more stable ground again. And its easy to get caught up in wanting to just <i>get there</i> and rush the process. Hold this thought.<br />
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The other day, I was doing yoga (I promise this will make sense). I am not ~new~ to yoga. While I am not an experienced yogi, its something I have dabbled in for quite some time now. I've been to a decent amount of classes, and for a while I could really see the difference yoga was making in my body. I could also feel myself getting better at it the more I practiced. And then I stopped. So when I tried to get back on the mat the other day, I thought I could just pick up where I left off. I knew I wanted a good work out, so I chose a "Power Yoga" video, by one of my favorite online yoga instructors, Yoga With Adrien. At the beginning of the video, Adrien asked that we (I?) set an intention for the practice. My intention was "just to finish the video!". 20 minutes into the 45 minute video, I found myself totally wiped out. Adrien was moving SO FAST, and my stiff little bones just could not keep up with her!! Two days later, I decided to try again. But this time, I picked a 45 minute "Yoga for beginners video". Now, like I said, I am not reaaaaallly a beginner, but my body is just beginning to get back into the practice. And so I made it through the entire 45 minute video this time, and I found myself learning new things about poses that I have practiced hundreds of times before. Things that I've never known before, and things that will definitely make me stronger in my practice in the future.<br />
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This entire experience was very humbling. I think that when we try and get back on the bandwagon, its very easy for us to pick up right where we left off. I haven't run consistently in months, but the few times that I have managed to lace up recently, I have been so disappointed when I realize that I can't run at the same speed, or the same distances that I used to be able to run at. But I am leaning that there is something new and exciting in starting over! You get to learn new things about an old an familiar practice. When you start over, you make the familiar unfamiliar, and walk away with a greater understanding than you would have had if you'd just tried to pick up right where you left off.<br />
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And so that also goes for this new chapter in my life called "Not Being in School Anymore". It would be very easy for me to just want to pick up and start working at the hospital that I had worked at while I was in college (<i>was</i> in college. College is in the past tense now! Omg, I can't!!). But if I were to start working there, I really don't think there would be much room for personal growth. All of the nurses there already know me. They all already have this idea in their heads of who I am as a person. And I don't really want to start off somewhere like that. I <i>want</i> to start new. I want to embrace the scariness and eat it up.<br />
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Freshman year I was walking through the basement of my dorms to do laundry, when this janitor stopped me to have a chat. This guy talked for agggees, but one of the things he kept repeating was "Diaaaamonds are formed under pressure!". And its sort of true.<br />
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Now I feel like my point is getting muddled (I love that word!) in all these little anecdotes. I've sort of lost track my point myself. I guess all I am really trying to say is that starting over can be very humbling. If I started working as a nurse at the hospital I was a tech at, I might sort of feel like "Well, I know what the nurses here do. Its easy! I don't need someone to teach me". And I don't want that.<br />
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So right now, I am starting fresh. I am starting fresh with my yoga practice, I am starting fresh with my identity as a runner, I am starting fresh in a new work place where I can create a new identity and where I can be humbled by all of the things I <i>don't </i>know. Its probably going to be really scary and really sucky and I'll probably cry and complain a lot, but I know that in the end it will be good for me. So thats what I am going to do. Now I just need to get my lazy butt to start applying for jobs! Hahaha. Thats the first step.<br />
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**Side note: yesterday, for the first time in forever, I got to work at the bakery alone. And it was AWESOME! I love the freedom that goes along with working there by myself. Theres no need to check in with someone else or to always seem busy so that my coworkers don't judge my work ethic. It was so nice to just go at my own pace! And its funny because I did a Myers-Briggs personality test the other night, and that was apart of the "Career" description for me. But that really makes me feel like the hospital setting is not for me. I mean, for a while now I've felt like the hospital setting wasn't for me. Its too...structured? No, thats not it. Because I don't mind structure. Maybe its the fact that theres sort of an underlying competitive nature in the hospital. Theres always certain nurses who just feel like they are "better" nurses than other ones. Its something that I am guilty of as well. But idk. Its not something that makes me happy, and its not something I really want to be apart of. So thats something I really need to think about while job hunting. Its just that the hospital is the most obvious place for a nurse to work, and so its really hard for me to think about options outside of that. But we'll see. I just need to do more research.Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04088767332910065205noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3755167992627132182.post-27542178498820761342015-07-14T19:58:00.000-04:002015-07-14T19:58:06.049-04:00Life & problems and the fact that theres no solution but thats okay.I am having these thoughts right now, and I feel like I need to get them out before I can do anything else. I guess if I were to summarize it, right now my thoughts are about how life is weird.<br />
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Four years ago, it felt like once I got into college, all my problems would be solved.<br />
Three and a half years ago, it felt like once I got into the nursing problem, all of my problems would be solved.<br />
Three years ago it felt like once I started clinicals, all of my problems would be solved.<br />
A year ago it felt like once I graduated all of my problems would be solved.<br />
A month ago it felt like because I had gotten a boyfriend, it was possible all of my problems were solved.<br />
Right now, it feels like once I pass the NCLEX all of my problems will be solved.<br />
In two weeks, its going to feel like once I get a job all of my problems will be over.<br />
In five weeks its going to feel like once I get a car all of my problems will be solved<br />
Six months from now its going to feel like once I get comfortable in my new job, all of my problems will be solved.<br />
A year from now its going to feel like once I get married all of my problems will be solved.<br />
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See the theme? I guess what I am realizing is that there is no end-all be-all. Life is not a game where once you reach a certain level, everything is easy and fun and all thats left to do is enjoy all of the hard work you've put in. There will alwaaays be hard work to put in. That doesn't mean that you can't enjoy the process, or take time away from the process.<br />
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I keep telling myself once I get to this point, it will be aaaaaaalllll good. But I am realizing that I have reached so many of those points. I have accomplished so much and come so far. But life will continue to present me with new challenges. And I really need to change the way I look at those challenges. I haven't left my house AT ALL today, because I have in my mind that I need to stay home and focus on studying and in two weeks I can get back to enjoying my life. But thats craaazzy!<br />
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I have a friend who has been at his real-person job for like a year now. Since he's started working, hes made a point to travel to different places across the country, go to music festivals, and he recently posted a picture of him at a concert (on a work night!) with the caption "As soon as you're born you start dying, so you might as well have a good time". And that really resonates with me right now. I am also just such a sucker for good quotes like that.<br />
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Idk. Obviously right now studying really does have to be my priority. But that doesn't mean I should lock myself in my house for days on end in order to prove to myself or the world that I am taking this seriously. So yeah, those are my thoughts for tonight. I am gonna go sit outside for a little while now, and then I'll get back to it.Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04088767332910065205noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3755167992627132182.post-38190689387875935852015-02-17T10:47:00.001-05:002015-02-17T10:47:40.805-05:00A narrative of my life recentlySo I was feeling really good for a while, and now I am feeling not so good. And I guess that is life. But feeling really good is aweesssomme. And feeling not so good kinda sux. So, I would like to sort through why I am feeling not so good. Ah, I am so tempted to make a list in order to do this, but I don't know if a list will help in this situation. I think instead, perhaps a little story-telling will help me pinpoint where things started to feel less lovely. Lets be real. Part of this is related to a boy.. or perhaps not even a specific boy. Just the feeling I am looking to get from a boy, and not finding. Perhaps I shouldn't be expecting any sort of feeling and I should just take things as they are? Idk. This is all so vague. So, details..<br />
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So, lets start out right before winter break, which was a month ago already! Thats kind of unbelievable. Right before winter break started, I decided I didn't like Brian anymore. He was really rude to a store owner one day, and I am so not about that. Pretty soon after I decided I didn't like Brian, this boy Ryan who I met last summer texed me to say whaddup. Over the summer I had decided I didn't like Ryan (lol, am I an asshole?) so I was only halfheartedly texting him back. Or more so, I wasn't putting effort into texting him. I was just being really natural and saying whatever because I didn't really care. Except this seemed to lead us somewhere, and I ended up really enjoying our conversation and lalala. We hung out right before he left for Minnesota and I had a really nice time, so then I was all like <i>shit, maybe hes not such an asshole</i>. He went to Minnesota and I went home and we didn't really talk because I guess we were both living our lives.<br />
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So winter break was really lovely. At first I was feeling kinda ehhh about not texting with Ryan. So those were some feelings. But then I got over it. I worked for half of winter break, and for half of it I hung out with beaaautiful people. I went to DC with my nursing friends. I saw two plays with Michelle - one called <i>Constellations</i> and one called <i>This Is Our Youth. </i>I hung out with Kitty a lot and we ate delicious things and went on an adventure to Highland Park. I hung out with Maria and Melissa a few times. I tried Cronuts finally!! I tried hot yoga. I tried and did a lot of things and now I feel like I want to make a list because I am feeling really good about all of it. I alsoooo e-mailed a lady named Dr. Kelly to tell her that I was interested in going on this trip that she was leading via study abroad.. to South Africa! And that was a thing that was in the works. So, things were pretty cool.<br />
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I guess things were relatively cool, because while I was really excited about all of these nice things, I did spend part of break feeling weird about ending my little texting streak with Ryan. I also was feeling lame because my mom was not into the idea of me studying abroad at allll. So that sucked. But I knew I had to figure out a way to make this happen for myself.<br />
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So, winter break ended. I got back to New Brunswick, and was back to living in what really feels like Amandas apartment. Amanda and Joe are in love, and Shannon and Brenden are engaged. And I am this ~free spirit~ (not really) 100% doing my own thing. And I am not mad about it. Shannon often talks about not being able to do certain things because she would feel bad traveling and not going to see Brenden. And Amanda spends sooo much time with Joe, so when she gets to be apart from him and see friends, she goes on and on about how she wishes she had more if it and how nice it feels. So I don't think I am jealous of them. I guess I am in a way just longing to experience that again, but in my own way. I don't want to pass up opportunities because of someone. And right now my friends are my world, so I do not want that to change. I just want companionship? I want someone to cuddle with sometimes. Or even simpler than that, I want to be able to rest my knees against someone else's knees.<br />
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Ugh, I have gotten very off track. So.. back in New Brunswick. Classes started. For some reason, college totally changes who I am as a person. This never happened in high school so its something I am still trying to understand. But college causes me to become hyper-focused, and its a feeling that is hard to shake, even when I am doing things that don't involve my studies. And I guess this weird hyper-focused state makes it hard for me to connect with people. I get back to my apartment and I don't really want to be bothered with my roommates. Idk. Or maybe its the weather. Or maybe I am a little homesick. Or maybe its all of that. There are just very specific moments when I want to talk to people. And when I don't want to talk to people, I really don't and I guess I am kind of an asshole. And its probably really hard for my roommates to understand. Which I feel bad about. And idk. Thats just another <i>thing</i> in a pile of lame.<br />
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However, that thought also feels very off track. Back to South Africa. So I really wanted to go and I decided I was going to do everything I could to make it happened. So I e-mailed all the necessary people and filled out all the necessary paperwork, and I broke it to my mom who was far from happy. At first I was all <i>I am going to do it with or without you. </i>However after two days of being up all night because I felt so bad about doing something without my moms support, I decided I should actually not go to South Africa. I called my mom and explained to her that I wasn't going anymore, and explained to her why. She agreed this was a wise decision, and I was so relieved to have her back on my side. So I contacted the study abroad folk, and they were all <i>its too late. You're still gonna have to pay, so you might as well go</i>. And I was like shiiiitttt. My mom said that she would call for me (because my mom is a badass, and I am too passive to get shit done the way she does). So my mom called Dr. Kelly, and then she called me and says shes letting me go to South Africa, and that as a graduation gift she is going to help me pay for it. I was so shocked, but so excited. I am still so excited!! But it still doesn't feel real. Its very strange. BUT I AM SO EXCITED. What I am trying to get at is that Study Abroad had me feeling very lame, and then it had me feeling really amazing, and I suppose now its sort of plateaued.<br />
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Back to the Ryan shenanigans.. so I sort of just accepted that the texting streak was over. I tried texting him a few more times, and he hardly responded, so I decided to just accept that for what it was. We texted here and there, it was nothing tooo special, and he always seemed to stop responding at some point so I just figured him texting me didn't mean anything. Then he texted me last Monday asking if I have plans for Saturday. I told him I had work in the morning, but that was it. He replied "May I buy you a dinner that evening?". And in my head I was like ~booo-yaaaa! freaking finally!!~. But then I realized that Saturday was Valentines day, so of course my brain started to get carried away, wondering if he didn't actually like me but instead was just asking me to hangout so that he didn't have to be alone. It just felt weird that he had all of this time to ask me to hangout and he decided to ask for a day during which people dread being alone. Either way, I had already agreed and I was looking forward to being able to hangout with him again.<br />
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I rushed home from work on Saturday, got ready, ran to the train, and Ryan met me at Penn Station. So heres the thing. When I think I might like a person, I act sooo casual around them because acting like I like them is a really scary thing. So the whole date was very casual. But it was also really fun. Ryan decided that we should start with dessert, so we went to this ice cream place right under the Brooklyn side of the Brooklyn Bridge. And we walked around a little. Then we went to this Italian restaurant (I don't remember the name!) but Ryan took the initiative to make reservations and all that which was sweet. After we ate, we just walked all over the city talking about really random things. But it was really nice. However, it was totally casual (probably mostly my fault?). So Ryan walked me to the bus and waited with me, and then when my bus came we hugged. And I got nervous. I didn't know what to do! So I just looked at him and thanked him for everything and I got on my bus. Should we have kissed? I really don't know. I definitely wouldn't have minded if we did. But, it is what it is.<br />
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Sooo, this leads us to yesterday. I am a part nut job, part wishful thinker, part person-who-says-she-wants-to-live-with-no-regrets-so-half-heartedly-tries-to-make-things-happen-but-fails.. so I texted Ryan and totally lied about needing to go back to the city to buy my brother a birthday present, and I asked if he wanted to do some homework with me at a coffee shop after I "ran errands". He said yes, and again I thought to myself ~boooo-yaaaa!~. And I told myself this time it was going to happen. But heres what actually happened: Ryan suggested this Edgar Allen Poe themed cafe, so we went there. We ordered our drinks and I got food because I was soo hungry. Ryan took out his laptop but he felt like the owneer of the cafe was eyeing him down (it seemed like more of a restaurant I suppose). So instead of doing work, I ate and Ryan told me all about this project he is working on with this guy called Mick Rock who is a famous photographer. The point of saying this is that we were sitting across a table and Ryan was talking and I was eating and there was no room for magic. So after we finished, we decided to look for a new place to go since it didn't seem like the place we were at was working. I wanted to go to this cafe with couches, and I figured we could be all cozied up and stuff which would be really nice. Except it was closed. So we instead went looking for somewhere, and found this non-memorable place and sat at a 4 person rectangle table and I was on one end and he was on the other and (basically..as far away from each other as possible). So I finished reading horrible Hemingway and then we talked about the kind of writing we like and that was really nice. It was nice to be sitting across from him and reading while he was doing work.. being in each others company but not having to talk or anything. So yaaaa. The cafe closed and we left and hopped on the train to go home. We were in the middle of talking about roommates and suddenly Ryan cut me off and was like "This is my stop! Text me the rest of that story!" and he gave me the quickest hug ever and ran away. I was so caught off guard, I didn't really know how to even process the whole thing.<br />
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He texted me a bit later and said "So, do I get the rest of that story?" which I thought was really sweet. But I am still really confused. Also he called me dude a lot when we hungout. I think its a thing he subconsciously does when he gets excited. But I am not a fan. And hes also moving to California in a few months so thats a thing. But like I mentioned earlier, I just want a companion (am I an 80 year old lady looking for visitors?). So I guess him moving doesn't matter that much. I just want to kiss him and immediately after tell him "please stop calling me dude!". But yeah, I guess that has me feeling weird. I am tired of just being a bro or whatever. Iddddddk.<br />
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Gosh, all of this seriously took me over an hour to write which is craaaazzy. But it was nice to think it all through and process all of it and kinda just tell the internet about my life. Its good. Its really good. I just sometimes get caught up and let myself fester in some of the negative bits which isn't cool. But like I said, writing and thinking helps. So, theres that.<br />
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Also, I am not proofreading this. #yoloJesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04088767332910065205noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3755167992627132182.post-39207696619538293182014-12-26T15:51:00.001-05:002014-12-26T15:51:21.011-05:00Things I've Figured Out in the Past Few Days1) You don't have to go to art school to make art.<br />
2) Just because you don't go to art school right after high school doesn't mean you can never go to art school.<br />
3) Nurses can make art.<br />
4) Its best to not hang out with boys you like at 1am.<br />
5) Its best to not kiss boys you like at 1am.<br />
6) If you like someone, wait.<br />
7) If you like someone in Minnesota, wait till they get back to New York.<br />
8) You shouldn't let yourself like people to easily.<br />
9) But keeping an open mind and an open heart is okay.<br />
10) Not all friends will be friends forever.<br />
11) Sometimes you have to bully people into being your friend forever.<br />
12) Its best to not do that, because who the heck wants to be friends with someone they have to bully into being friends with them?!<br />
13) Reading is really lovely.<br />
14) Its cool to read things you want to read, and not things that you think would make you seem more "interesting" or "likeable" or whatever.<br />
15) Its easy to get sucked into the internet.<br />
16) Its easy to get sucked into creeping on people on the internet.<br />
17) This can be inspiring, or it can be a huge waste of time.<br />
18) Today it was inspiring.<br />
19) This year I am going to start a 365 project, and stick to it!<br />
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<br />Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04088767332910065205noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3755167992627132182.post-83849529006299188922014-11-30T13:32:00.001-05:002014-11-30T13:32:41.428-05:00Stream of consciousness blabberingReading biographies of people is not something that I do often, but whenever I do I am reminded of how short my life has been so far. I was just reading about Shel Silverstein (because he's the bomb) and I learned that although he started writing when he was just 12, he did a lot of random stuff before he was published. He was in the Korean War, he drew cartoons for Playboy and Sports Illustrated and had the Giving Tree rejected for publication on his first try. Once his career kicked off as a children's author, he also worked on over a dozen albums of music! And he died when he was only 69. I know these are all random fun facts, but the point is that I am only 21. I often get so caught up thinking about what I have done with my life, and all the things I have yet to do. And a lot of times I get overwhelmed by feeling like I haven't done enough and thinking of all the growing and life events that should have happened to me by now. All of the interests I should have established. All of the hobbies I should be really good at. All the music I should have heard and books I should have read and events in history I should know about. But I have a whole life ahead of me. I know I have a lot of shit to work on, and that thats kind of exciting.<br />
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I was thinking about it on the train the other day; theres this girl in the nursing program who basically is the person I strive to be. She is really good at the piano, she works out regularly, shes super into reading and writing but also has a really steady social life and a boyfriend, she has a good sense of humor and is ridiculously articulate and informed on politics and world events. And yeah, while it would be great to be there already, I am not. And thats so cool. I have things to look forward to! I am looking forward to learning how to play the piano and getting excited about all the little songs I learn before I get good. If I was already there, I wouldn't have that. I get to look forward to finding myself and creating myself and growing and growing and growing and reading and writing and running and learning and growing. I am not there yet. Thats awesome. Who the heck wasntsss to be there yet?! I am a freaking mess, and it can only get better from here.<br />
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Reading a biography for Leo Tolstoy I learned that he had to transfer colleges because the one he was in was too hard, he got kicked out of his second college because he partied too much, and failed as a farmer before picking up journaling which influenced his work as a writer. His career and all that he is known for didn't pick up until waaayyy later in life, and he failed a lot before he got there. Which I think is really badass. He also has a really badass beard. Just saying. (Shel Silverstein also has a rather incredible beard. I obviously just really like men with beards!)Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04088767332910065205noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3755167992627132182.post-36434794778865863302014-07-10T12:13:00.003-04:002014-07-10T12:13:43.861-04:00Am I an adult...?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Yesterday at work I was caring for this 14 year old girl when my hospital pager rang, letting me know that a patient in another room needed my help. Since I had a free hand, I pulled the pager out of my pocket to acknowledge the call so that I would have to feel that buzzing in my pocket for the next 10 minutes while I was with her. I still had the phone in my hand when my patient asked "how do you do that?" "Do what?" I asked. "How do you use that phone? I want to know how to be an adult".<br />
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Woah there. She is asking <i>me</i> how to be an adult?! Does that mean I am an adult?! Its almost 11am and I am sitting here in my PJs with my hair a mess, my bed unmade and dishes in my sink. The other day when I went grocery shopping, I tried to only spend $20 because theres only a few bucks in my bank account right now. My mom had to come down to New Brunswick yesterday to take me to the doctor because I felt really awful, and when she said "You don't need me to come in with you, do you?" I had to refrain from saying "Yes, yes I do need you to come".<br />
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But then again I can see how to this girl I do seem like an adult. I wear scrubs which makes me look very similar to all of the nurses that care for her, who are actually adults. I suppose I am in a position of authority over her - telling her whether or not she can go to rec based on the other things we need to do to care for her.<br />
<br />
Its just really interesting to think about the different kind of <i>characters</i> we become based on our setting and based on the other people around. If I am with my mom <i>and</i> my brother, then I suppose I am a bit of an adult and my mom treats me like an equal. But if it is just me and my mom, then I seem like more of a child. And obviously when I am just with my friends, we are all equals - 21 year old equals doing 21 year old things such as "meeting for drinks" which tends to make us feel very grown up.<br />
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I don't know. I guess the whole point of this rant is just me trying to figure out exactly where I am in life. We are just sort of in this very interesting middle ground, but I am pretty happy here. I am in no rush to understand exactly what being an adult means.Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04088767332910065205noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3755167992627132182.post-58070037023105983992014-06-19T00:44:00.001-04:002014-06-19T00:44:11.534-04:00Work and shizSo something happened at work today, and I just want to write about it while it is still fresh in my memory and the feelings are still raw. I was caring for a patient who has a spinal chord injury - just helping him get from the toilet into his chair. I had come back from my dinner break not long before, and was trying to calm down after feeling overwhelmed and like I wanted to cry all morning (not for any reason in specific - I just get myself worked up). As I am helping this patient, we are chatting, and he mentioned that he could feel me touching his feet while I was putting on his boots. He then went on to tell me all about his injury, and how he has come such a long way and he is not even half way through the healing process. I asked him if he thought it was from all the different therapies he was receiving at the hospital. He said yes, and then he went on to tell me it wasn't just the therapists, but everyone at the hospital - that he felt like the entire staff ("people like you," he said) had helped him get to where he was. He said that he felt like he had a family at the hospital because he sees everyone there more than he sees his own family, and how if he doesn't see someone for a while, he'll ask about them. And then he told me his goal of being able to walk again.<br />
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Everything about it was just so special. I can't fully put it into words and I am also in a rush so I can't sit here and try to find them, but I just felt like I wanted to have this moment written down to look back on. And after such a stressful morning (did I mention the morning was not actually stressful? I just make things stressful) what this patient said was so amazing to hear. It really reassured me that this is exactly where I want to be. I want to be helping people recover from the hardest parts of their lives - specifically I want to help children. Children like this special patient who still have so much of their life left, and who are so driven and inspiring and thankful for our work.<br />
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Okay, off to firefllyyyyy!!!Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04088767332910065205noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3755167992627132182.post-51326342799239779242014-05-04T17:00:00.002-04:002014-05-04T17:00:49.341-04:00Dream SummerWith summer break just NINE days away, its no surprise I cannot stop thinking about summer and how I want to spend my three and a half months (OMG, THREE AND A HALF GLORIOUS MONTHS!) of freedom. As I sit here trying to study for exams, my mind keeps wandering to what my ideal summer days will be like. So I decided to jot a few of them down.<br />
<br />
Lazy days: I found this really incredible trail to run. Its totally secluded and silent and the repetitive sound of my feet hitting the trail is one of the most comforting sounds ever. Needless to say I am in love, and this trail has totally renewed my passion for running. So one idea summer day would be waking up super early to run the trail. Taking some time to just sit down and take it all in, perhaps doing some yoga, or just sitting for a while and thinking. Then running back home, showering, getting ready and heading to the New Brunswick farmers market, or the Highland Park farmers market. Making lunch and sitting outside while I eat. Then heading to a local coffee shop, perhaps with friends to catch up, or alone with a book as a way to avoid the heat. Maybe at night drinking outside with some friends and chatting or setting up a BBQ.<br />
<br />
Work days: I applied for this job at a hospital called Children's Specialized. My hope are way too high right now, and in my mind I already have the job, which is somewhat unhealthy because it means that I will be incredibly crushed if it doesn't work out. However, I have already started planning some summer days revolving around my summer life as a pediatric patient care technician. Depending on if I end up working the morning or evening shift, I'd have a personal training session right before or right after work. I'd spend a few days a week taking care of the most amazing and inspiring little kids. The rest of the day would be spent relaxing, reading, watching a movie or hanging out with some friends.<br />
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Weekends: So, it seems at though I have planed most of my summer with the intention of being in New Brunswick. But I definitely want to be home with my mom and brother also. Perhaps I could plan my work schedule so that I work 3 days a week, with two days off in New Brunswick to hit the trail and relax. Then I could head home for two days to see my mom and Thomas and Tom. My mom and I could get lunch and head to the mall together or to flea markets in the area. And Thomas and I could spend our days playing basketball and our nights catching up on Boy Meets World or Full House.<br />
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Adventures and day trips: Obviously summer is the idea time to travel and go on day/weekend trips, so I hope to have a few of these as well. I already plan on spending 4 days camping with my friends at Firefly Music Festival. I really hope my job at Children's Specialized (there I go again, planning as if I've already been hired) doesn't conflict. But we'll figure that out when the time comes.<br />
<br />
Yeap, so ideally that's how its going to happen. I know that this post was a bit disorganized I just needed to get these day dream out of my head. Now, back to studying so that I pass my exams and don't end up having to spend my summer in summer classes!!Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04088767332910065205noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3755167992627132182.post-70997609611575042892014-04-02T14:53:00.001-04:002014-04-02T14:53:41.204-04:0021 yearsMy birthday is on Sunday! And it really is the weirdest thing! I was writing notes with my friend in class (yeap, thats a thing that I do because I am almost 21 and almost a nurse with peoples lives in my hands) and she mentioned that it was almost my birthday, to which I replied "I am not ready! I don't feel like I have 21 years worth of life experience yet". And after saying it, I just realized how true it was. Its weird because in most situations, saying that you're 21 means that you're still relatively young and inexperienced. But just by changing the wording around a bit - <i>for 21 years I have been alive and trying to figure myself and this world out </i>- twenty one years is SO long! When people are married for 20 years its like <i>damn, they've been together for a long time.</i> Well I have been in this body for 20 years. I have been on this early for 20 years. I have been living and breathing and eating and pooping and learning for TWENTY YEARS! And I still feel like I don't know anything.<br />
<br />
None the less, I am excited for my birthday. I am excited to have another whole year of growth and learning and hopefully this year I will learn more about myself than I did last year. Looking back on twentieth year, here are some of my favorite memories;<br />
<br />
April;<br />
I don't have any good pictures of memories from April apparently. All I remember is having a very unsatisfying birthday. But it happens!<br />
<br />
May;<br />
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<i>Completing training for Scarlet Listeners</i></div>
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<i>Studying outside with Max and getting eaten alive</i></div>
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<i>My first basement show and finding my love for wine</i></div>
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<i>Summer sitting outside with this little guy</i><br />
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<i>The Great Googa Mooga Festival with this beautiful lady! (And also David and Randy on a different day)</i></div>
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June;</div>
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<i>Despite the fact that summer classes made me feel like this^, they were really satisfying and it was a worthwhile sacrifice. Plus I met some nice people</i></div>
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<i>Governor's Ball!</i></div>
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<i>It rained so much at Governor's Ball!!</i><br />
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<i>Firefly and camping and music and so many wonderful things about that weekend!</i><br />
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July;</div>
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<i>Getting my beaauutiful bike! (Which I later named Robin thanks to Faline)</i></div>
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<i>Nights like this in New Brunswick spent cooking with friends</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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August</div>
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<i>Thursday coffee dates and getting closer with this lady!</i></div>
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<i>That time we tried really hard to make wings, and made too much mac and cheese</i></div>
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<i>That time we walked to a party across the street with our own cups</i></div>
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<i>That time Ryan punched me in the fact (at party mentioned above)</i></div>
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<i>That time we all switched faces</i></div>
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<i>That time Michelle saw Charlie from Girls in real life and I freaked out</i></div>
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<i>That time I liked Ryan and we left eachother funny notes</i></div>
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<i>That time I went to the New Brunswick Farmers market and about really beautiful and delicious food!</i><br />
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<i>That time me, Max, Amanda and Liz when hiking, and I didn't cry...</i></div>
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...And then we all jumped off this rock! (And I took a poop in the great outdoors before jumping)</div>
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<i>That time I went canoeing with Amanda, Alex and Nick, and we ate so much great food and went swimming and created our own camp site after hours of struggling and searching...</i></div>
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<i>...And then the next day we jumped off the bridge seen behind us...</i></div>
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...And took this really cool, gangsta picture...</div>
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<i>My first stethoscope!!</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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September;</div>
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<i>My first ever day of clinical - such an amazing day!</i></div>
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<i>My amazing clinical group and instructor</i></div>
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<i>Spending so much time in this lab and learning so much</i></div>
October;<br />
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<i>Got my second tattoo, in honor of my amazing and missed grandma</i></div>
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<i>Saw a c-section, and got to wear scrubs like a badass...</i></div>
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<i>...But first we needed to take a selfie</i></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Halloween was literally the funniest and we got so drunk and it was disgusting and amazing...</i></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>...and Jordan was so creepy, and we were so drunk and went to the fresh grocer at like 3am</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
November;</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Good times at clinical</i></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Thanksgiving potluck at 32 Dix...</i></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>...And my homemade brown derby and whipedcream bar</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
December;</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Celebrating finals at Tumulty's ...</i></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>...And eating way too much food and drinking way too much tequila </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
January;</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Celebrating New Years with my best friend!</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
February;</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Snow days and fort building and snowball fights</i></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Peds clinical and this delicious Mac and Cheese while bonding</i></div>
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<i>So many days spent at the library with this lady</i></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Atlantic city and the Nursing Convention and too much wine...</i></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLLGDmbWt4tauUOLhZfGCI0tos4vD06jso25WGCcZPc8xrx4p2l3xZY8TQvjXDtAE9SXC23WZucn6xFfhOC8ETODgr7K5nr2dIs43HnqF5OGVxYgngnoTCfK-dNIEQfisdCZEzgJ4Dqrg/s1600/IMG_0928.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLLGDmbWt4tauUOLhZfGCI0tos4vD06jso25WGCcZPc8xrx4p2l3xZY8TQvjXDtAE9SXC23WZucn6xFfhOC8ETODgr7K5nr2dIs43HnqF5OGVxYgngnoTCfK-dNIEQfisdCZEzgJ4Dqrg/s1600/IMG_0928.JPG" height="478" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>...And watching her gamble away her entire $20</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
March;</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLLJI_z9jK5MEtmvrLrGWsAEculfy8U-7yc_5xPH94JZHmwqZi3n9fcfH9qON2LywhQ1pZekY64mWXDj8JBtULch7dSWui-tl8Kb50tzlmLW-BgGzMeSsvQkpWZnekl5LFB8IJ5KzoaQk/s1600/IMG_0961.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLLJI_z9jK5MEtmvrLrGWsAEculfy8U-7yc_5xPH94JZHmwqZi3n9fcfH9qON2LywhQ1pZekY64mWXDj8JBtULch7dSWui-tl8Kb50tzlmLW-BgGzMeSsvQkpWZnekl5LFB8IJ5KzoaQk/s1600/IMG_0961.jpg" height="640" width="478" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>All of the crazy stories and memories made living with this guy...</i></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>...and that time he threw out all our food</i></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>And more library time spent with this chika</i></div>
Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04088767332910065205noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3755167992627132182.post-35847869752633883772014-03-30T20:57:00.002-04:002014-03-30T20:57:41.944-04:00My favorite part of today ... (3/24 - 3/30)<div style="text-align: center;">
Monday March 24</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>... the last half a mile of my run at a 9:15 pace</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Tuesday March 25</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>... lotioning my legs post shaving them</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Wednesday March 26</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>... the poop comedian at Huntington Poetry Club</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Thursday March 27</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>... the feeling I got from facetiming with some of my favorite people</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Friday March 28</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
... <i>the first mile of my run which was about a 9 minute pace </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Saturday March 29</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
...<i>being alone and happy by myself at hidden grounds after a bunch of shitty morning feels</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>(...also running into Amanda at hidden grounds)</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>(...also, being social with new people at Kittys party despite my weird mood)</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Sunday March 30</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>... reading <a href="http://whisperingbones.tumblr.com/">this blog</a> at work today and realizing that its okay to date and fail and continue to try and find my partner in this world, and that I shouldn't judge myself for trying to do so.</i></div>
<i><br /></i>
I don't know if I will continue to do this every week, but I really liked reflecting on each day and picking out a few moments that were special to me. Maybe each week I'll do a different sort of reflection list. It seems like a great way to grow, and an awesome thing to look back on.Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04088767332910065205noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3755167992627132182.post-36219614384082106192014-03-24T14:03:00.001-04:002014-03-24T14:03:17.785-04:00Hand written tidbits I went to Starbucks after class today. I sat there with my coffee, scribbling in my planner - figuring out what I would study and when for my next exam, and also making plans for things I am excited for this week. But then I ran out of things to plan. And I still had about half a cup of coffee left, and so much more to say, but no computer and a phone that only had 4% left. So I decided to write. And it felt really good. And I wanted to put it here so that I can look back at it one day, and remember these feels. Here it is:<br />
<br />
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<br />Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04088767332910065205noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3755167992627132182.post-1138672338469140962014-03-23T22:45:00.000-04:002014-03-23T22:45:14.407-04:00The Little ThingsToday is kind of a meh day. But here are some things I am excited for<br />
<br />
1) To be done with work<br />
2) To go home and finish my burrito. And perhaps also eat some chicken pot pie<br />
3) To spend the rest of the night in my bed, studying, but still in bed<br />
4) To see my roomie after like, over a week<br />
5) That my exam tomorrow is at 8:30, and then I have no worries till April 8th<br />
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I never got to post this, but I did eat my burrito, and chicken pot pie. And I am currently studying in bed. And its lovely.<br />
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I want to do more posts like this. Things that make me happy. Things I am grateful for. Things that I am looking forward too. Heres some things I am excited about for tomorrow:<br />
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1) Coffee and a shower super early in the morning<br />
2) Being done with my exam by 9:50<br />
3) A trip to starbucks before work<br />
4) The gym after work<br />
5) Going to barnes and noble to treat myself to a new book - books are way better than boys, am I right?<br />
6) Chillaxing at home for the rest of the evening!<br />
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Tomorrow will be a good day. Because I have control of how tomorrow turns out. And I am choosing to make it a good day. And thats a preeetty cool thing.Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04088767332910065205noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3755167992627132182.post-57912429364690317112014-03-18T21:10:00.000-04:002014-03-18T21:10:11.606-04:00Sprinnnng, it came upon usEven though I use this blog way less often than I used to, I really love having it to look back on. Its so fun to read through old posts! Definitely keeps me inspired to keep blogging more. Here is a list for my future self of what I have been up to lately!<br />
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1) Its spring break, but it definitely does not feel like spring. I went to the mall yesterday and bought lots of spring clothes, but that is about the most springy thing that has happened this break. I have been working at the bakery, chillaxing with my brother and watching TV. I've also painted my nails TWICE in the 5 days I have been home. Now that I have a hang of how to paint my nails without getting nail polish all over my fingers, its something I actually kind of enjoy. I am a little disappointed I forgot my running shoes at my house in NB, but that just makes me even more excited to go for a run when I get back home!<br />
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2) I have been talking to this human (Michelle, when you read this don't kill me. I haven't told you because I have been trying to figure out where this relation is going before I shared this information with you) and I just don't freaking know what to do about it. Hes very very busy, and doesn't really seem to be making the time to hang out with me. The few times that we did see each other, we both agreed that it was really nice. But I've explained to him how I've talked to boys before who are all about texting and not chilling, and how I don't really like that. And yet that seems to be what this is becoming. I don't know what to do really. I don't know where this is going, and I don't know his feelings on it, and I don't know if I am really even getting anything out of this. I just really wish that I could see him to talk about all of this jazz, but he gets home from work and coaching at like 8, and then he goes for a run and by the end of that he's so exhausted that he basically just passes out.<br />
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3) I just finished up my peds rotation and now I am in the beginning of my medserg rotation. I have to say, I freaking loved peds and I definitely do not feel the same about medserg. Also, my medserg instructor suuuuuuucks. But my clinical now has been condensed into one 12 hour day rather than two 6 hour days, and thats nice. That means I get a day off!! Plus, I really love the people in my group for this rotation, so its really fun to get to spend so much time with them and drag them around to help me take care of crazy old peeps.<br />
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4) I think I always get this feeling when I have a little extra time on my hands. I just really wish I was doing a bit more. Which is absolutely nuts to say because when I am at school, between class and work and studying and trying to hangout with people, I cannot imagine having anything else on my plate. I just really wish I had a goal that I was working towards. Studying takes up so much of time time, but after school I will have nothing to show for all the information in my noggin. I want a creative project to be working on. I really wanna freaking learn how to play the piano. I was working on it over winter break, and I should get back to it now that I have some spring break time. And no surprise, I want some running goals to work on as well.<br />
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Merp. Well, I guess thats it for now.Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04088767332910065205noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3755167992627132182.post-28879353225710732014-01-09T21:32:00.004-05:002014-01-09T21:32:44.568-05:00Self love, running and other thoughts I have been having a lot of internal struggles lately. I guess what it really boils down to is that its winter break, and I am spending a lot more time with myself, and as much as I thought that I was okay with that whole <i>self love</i> thing, I have come to realize that I am actually really horrible at it. In fact, I get caught up in these crazy whirlwinds of picking myself apart, and thinking really mean things about myself that I would never ever say about other people. Its something I am trying really hard to work on though. I cant say its getting better just yet, but I've at least acknowledged that this pattern of thought is not healthy, and I suppose thats the first step.<div>
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I went for my first longer run in a really long time tonight, and it felt so great. I sat in my room for a while debating if I wanted to go. I made a map on mapmyrun, and then I told myself I'd run it tomorrow during the day. But then I realized I was doing absolutely nothing with my night and seriously had no excuse to not go. I had my route picked, I had my running clothes ready, and I had plenty of time to spare. So I went, and I ran 3.5 miles. Its not much compared to what I was doing when training for half marathons and the such. But its still something. And it felt really great. It took about a mile (as it usually does) for me to find a good rhythm, really settle in, and adjust to the cold air. But once I found it, I was pretty glad that I still had 2.5 miles left to enjoy it. And my legs started to get a little tired, which made me think about the cliche that running is just as much a mental sport as it is a physical one. And that thought kept me going all the way back to my house.</div>
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Now I am home, nice and settle with tea on my right and the book <i>Born to Run</i> on my right. With the exception of a few nights with friends, my break has pretty much consisted of chill nights like this, at home just relaxing. At first I hated it - it was such a rough adjustment from the madness I went through this semester. But now I am learning to appreciate these nights, and I know I am going to miss them when the semester starts!</div>
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I was just about to end this post, but I had another thought. I think chill nights at home are hard to enjoy when you're watching youtube videos of awesome people driving across India, and watching people on TV doing these crazy things with there friends. I don't know. I think one big part of self care and self love that I am really trying hard to learn is to not compare myself to other people. And that is 1000x easier to do when you disconnect from the TV and internet, because then you really have less to compare yourself to. Obviously I am not saying that I want to stop watching TV and going on the internet all together. I love those things way too much. But I think my love for those things has also been a huge contributor in my weird lack of self esteem lately. </div>
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Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04088767332910065205noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3755167992627132182.post-16029940151474659962013-11-21T08:58:00.001-05:002013-11-21T08:58:25.963-05:00Sleep, or the lack thereofI am so tired today. I woke up 1 hour and 20 minutes ago (at 7:30), and I am already planning on taking a nap as soon as I am done with work. I am planning on taking that nap downstairs, on a couch in a public area. Because I am so tired that I don't even care.<br />
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What sucks is that I have an exam today. And exam that I am so unprepared for. And an exam in a class that is really hard. But whatever. Lets talk about something a little bit more interesting than that...<br />
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I have been watching American Horror Story lately. Its soooo freaking good! Last night I met some friends at the library, but before I could go, I <i>had</i> to get an episode of AHS in. And let me just say, it was so worth it!<br />
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This weekend will hopefully be really good. My housemate Ryan and I were talking about going to this art show that someone we know is putting on. And its in a town that is <b>not</b> New Brunswick. So that will be awesome. I could really use a change of scenery.<br />
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Annd thanksgiving break is next week!!! Holey poop I am so excited. Its sad because I am not even really planning on doing much. I just want to sleep and lay in my bed. But I'll try and squeeze an adventure or two in. Like hanging out with my beaaautiful friend Michelle, who I have been too busy to even keep in touch with!Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04088767332910065205noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3755167992627132182.post-15330017057371553782013-11-19T23:25:00.001-05:002013-11-19T23:25:48.383-05:00When did this become a nursing blog?I started this blog to talk about my life and goals and adventures. And to inspire some sort of growth fashion-wise. But this blog has just become a list of rants, mostly about nursing. But I guess that is just what I need in my life right now. I hope one day it can become something more.<br />
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So today I was really stressed about the pharm exam that I have on Thursday. Well, actually I have been stressed about it since the weekend. But today I finally decided to do something about it. I decided to study! And currently, I have been sitting in the same chair for almost 4 hours. I've listened to 3 entire albums.<br />
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I listened to Bastille's <i>Bad Blood</i> which was amazing. I had to take some breaks from studying to bop my head and leg because their drums are so intense at some points. And I love that shit.<br />
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After that, I randomly decided to listen to the entire Imagine Dragons <i>Night Vision</i> album. Which I barely remember. I guess that means it was just okay. I wasn't a huge Imagine Dragons fan to begin with.<br />
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Annnd, I just finished listening to Of Monsters and Men's <i>My Head Is An Animal</i> which also required music appreciating breaks because at some points it just got too good!<br />
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Up next on my full album marathon is Daughter's <i>If You Leave</i>. I won't have time for the whole thing because the room I am in closes in 36 minutes. But I just started it, and deeemmm drums!Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04088767332910065205noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3755167992627132182.post-17315201192407262572013-11-14T09:38:00.000-05:002013-11-14T09:38:21.484-05:00Nursing school isn't so bad (a recap of my week)<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2Hp4ZG1jRDo-wCjxJc7O7uD8lWogZ8ycz6RIAtQ5UCQijuPGuA2PZCvDUkPjibNX75pSeQFqOrbpHcAVHo1S57-eZzf3fA7w7-exvJxKYmG2U1c8nITFSAVAE8jd49PUcD7uUThjnRP0/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2Hp4ZG1jRDo-wCjxJc7O7uD8lWogZ8ycz6RIAtQ5UCQijuPGuA2PZCvDUkPjibNX75pSeQFqOrbpHcAVHo1S57-eZzf3fA7w7-exvJxKYmG2U1c8nITFSAVAE8jd49PUcD7uUThjnRP0/s320/photo.JPG" width="238" /></a>This week has been a rough one in terms of sleep. My Mondays always start off great since I don't have class untill 11:30 so I can sleep "late". But after that its just down hill. After class on Monday I headed to the library with a friend, and at 5:30 I ran off to take calls for scarlet listeners. Monday night I went rock climbing, came home, took a shower and went straight to bed. (Can I just say Mondays are my favorite day of the week? How weird is that - I know! But I love the class I have on Monday, I love that I can sleep in, I love taking call, and topping off my night with climbing is just perfection)</div>
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Anyways, even though I managed to go to sleep at a reasonable hour, for some reason, I overslept for work on Tuesday morning, and made it there at 8:25 instead of 8:15 (A.M. - I know, brutal). I then proceeded to have the most awkward Tuesday morning ever. But it happens. I went to a class that was actually canceled, met with a professor about the fact that I got a 68 on her last exam, and then spent the rest of my day & night in the library. </div>
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Yesterday I had clinical, which requires waking up at an ungodly hour (aka before the sun is even up!). But luckily I managed to squeeze a nap in before heading off to the library to study my life away. A few friends and I left the library at 12:30 am, and then Angela was wonderful enough to take me to the grocery store since I have been eating out the past week and have zero food at home. Yes, we went grocery shopping at 1 A.M. This is the life of a nursing student who doesn't even have time to bleach her mustache and tweeze her eyebrows - forget about grocery shopping! By the time I got home, showered, got my stuff ready for the morning and started to fall asleep, it was 3:30 (Let me just clarify - 3:30 in the A.M.). Annnnnd, I had to wake up at 7:20 (in the A.M) today for work. Andddd I wont get home tonight until 9 or 10 (in the P.M)</div>
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The thing is, I am not even complaining. Yeah, it sucks that I haven't gotten much sleep. And yeah it sucks that I have spent every night this week in the library. But I have spent my nights studying like crazy with amazing people. Nursing school is such a bitch, but we're all struggling through this together which actually makes it a really beautiful thing. Talk to me tomorrow though, and lets see how I feel about nursing school then. </div>
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Another little tidbit of nursing life info that I am really excited about: So yesterday at clinical, I was shadowing this nurse named Aine, who is absolutely amazing. Seeing her communicate with her patients is just so inspiring. She talks to them as if shes know then forever. She clearly explains everything that she is going to do with them, along with everything they're going to experience for the next few days in the hospital (surgery and recovery wise). You can just immediately sense her patients feeling at home, and feeling relieved that they now know exactly what to expect. So Aine, a resident and I were in the break room talking about how cold it is, Aine said that even though its so cold, she doesn't miss California. Which lead to her telling me a bit about her experience as a travel nurse. And I just got so freaking inspired since I reaaallly want to do travel nursing. Except I never knew how to go about it. Aine told me before I can do travel nursing, I need to get a few years experience on med-surg floor or something of the sort to gain a basic skill set and become really strong in those skills. Then I can start traveling. And I just feel like this gave me a whole new purpose as a nursing student (I know that sounds really dramatic and intense, but whatever). Everyone always asks me "do you have a specific field of nursing you want to go into?" And I never have a good response. But now I actually know where I am headed with this silly little career. So as of now the game plan after graduation is to move back home and spend 2 or 3 years working and saving up money and learning everything that I possibly can. Then I'll start traveling, but I won't spend the money that I saved in my initial few years. That way all the money I make as a travel nurse can be spent on the road, and when I get back I'll have a nice little savings to settle down with. </div>
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Ahh, so many amazing goals and so many long term things to look forward to. I tend only really thing short term when it comes to goals. I just feel weird thinking so far ahead. But now I know where I want to be, and I am really freaking happy about it. </div>
Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04088767332910065205noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3755167992627132182.post-24918392680917678262013-11-07T10:00:00.000-05:002013-11-07T10:00:45.583-05:00RunningRunning. That thing that I used to love to do, but don't do anymore because of time. I need to try and figure out how to make more time in my life for running again. I've figured out how to make time for work, and I've figured out how to make time for climbing (although I really wish I did that at least 1 more time a week), and for Scarlet Listeners, and for a semi-normal social life. Now I need to figure out how to make time for my old love of running. I've managed to 1x a week somewhat consistently now. But they're always super short runs. I tell myself that I am just getting back into running, and so I don't want to push myself too hard. <div>
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The thing is, a lot of my day is already taken up. I've been going to bed around 11:30 lately, so that I can feel somewhat normal for my 7am mornings (and 5am on Wedneday). So I am really not sure where running can fit into my life right now. What if I just start waking up at 5am every day? Then it wont be so bad on Wednesdays, and I can run in the morning on other days? Ugh. But I am not a fan of morning runs.</div>
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Night time running is my true love. But at the end of the day I am just so spent. Today, I woke up at 7:20 to get to work at 8:15. After work I have an externship workshop from 12:15-2:15. Then I have class until 8. After class, I am going straight to the library to start studying for the exam that I have tomorrow morning. </div>
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So its clear that night time runs are also not very realistic for me. Night time runs are like a nice little fling. A thing I can squeeze they work with my life. And I guess depending on how early in the morning you run, its almost like a night time run.</div>
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I can wake up at 5am. Have 1/2 a banana, peanut butter and crackers pre-run. Run. Finish my banana, stretch and hop in the shower. At that point it will be around 7am. After that, getting ready will be no different than my usual morning routine. </div>
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I think I'll try this on Saturday. No, Saturdays are the only day out of the entire 7 days I can sleep in. Saturdays need to be saved for that. So I will try this on Sunday. I want to say I'll give it a go tomorrow, but I have a 9am exam, and I don't want to risk a messy morning on an exam day. Also, I'll probably be in the library for quite a while tonight. </div>
Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04088767332910065205noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3755167992627132182.post-9130118739212221002013-10-23T13:31:00.000-04:002013-11-14T09:41:01.782-05:00OversleepingI missed my clinical today. And I feel so awful about it. But I am just trying to remind myself to look at the big picture. In three years when I am working at a hospital saving lives or consoling a patient, one missed clinical will mean nothing. It will be a funny story that I can tell my coworkers. It will be just one more struggle that helped me to realize how much I want this. This morning I thought of all the horrible things that could happen from missing this clinical - Failing this course. Being a whole year behind. Getting kicked out of nursing. I doubt (and really hope not!) that any of those things will happen. And I just have to take this as a little wake up call. I have been pretty exhausted - staying at the library until midnight and later a few times a week, plus working and having hardly any time for friends. But all of these sacrifices will get me to where I want to be. And I know this is where I want to be. I just have to keep working for it, and keep my eyes set on the big picture. All of these short term struggles are just to ween out the people who don't really want this and aren't willing to work for it. I have made it this far, and there is no way I am stopping now. I am half way through this semester. I just have to keep on pushing. Keep on working my ass off. And maintain a good attitude. So what if my GPA is only a 3.3 when some friends have 3.7 and higher? Its just a number. And it doesn't mean they want it more than me. Maybe they're just better at studying or better test takers or have a better memory. The fact that this is a struggle for me, and yet I have made it so far is really amazing, and not something a lot of people can say they did. This is something I am actually really fighting for. Every day. Every time I go to the library instead of hanging out with my friends or going to a party or going home - I am fighting for this.<br />
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Okay. This post was really intense and dramatic. But I needed a little pep talk after such a bummer morning. Now, off to the library. I want to get a B on this pharm exam so badly!<br />
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**UPDATE** - I actually DID get a B on that pharm exam, so take that!Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04088767332910065205noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3755167992627132182.post-13703556725202987762013-10-01T10:01:00.000-04:002013-11-12T10:21:24.716-05:00Feels & things and honesty Hello world. I am at work right now. My work basically just consists of me sitting at a computer, writing down how many people are in the lab, and helping people print. Its a pretty sweet deal. Usually I end up getting a lot of homework done at work, but today theres not much for me to do. I can't even believe that is a thing I am saying, because I feel like I have been crazy busy since the semester started. Well, there are things I could be doing so that I am not crazy busy next week, but they can wait a few more minutes.<br />
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So, its junior freaking year man! How crazy is that? I've always felt like my 3rd year in a place ends up being my best year. I felt that way after 3 years of middle school, 3 years of high school and now 3 years of college. I don't know what it is. It just feels like it takes 3 years for me to get really comfortable with my surroundings and my people. That being said, Junior year of college has been pretty sweet so far! I am not even going to go into all of the details of why things are so sweet, I'll just keep it brief. I am pretty happy in my house, pretty happy in my clinical, and pretty happy with how I have been spending my time.<br />
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Anyways, I more started writing this post for the same reason I start writing most posts on this blog. Just to sort out some feelings on a certain subject. Today, that certain subject is a boy. And writing about this makes me feel dumb, because in my last post I wrote about a boy that I thought I liked. And then I got to know that boy, and I realized there was no way we could ever work out. So this is a new boy. And its just so weird how in that moment of writing that post, I had such strong feelings. And now, a little more than a month later, I am so over it.<br />
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I guess thats kind of what I need to sort? Just the fact that its weird that we can sometimes feel so invested in another person, and yet those feelings can be so temporary. With the boy I mentioned in my previous post, it just took one night of drinking for me to really see his true colors and decide that he was not for me. And so now with this new human that I have feels for, I am being soso cautious. I also think its a lot easier for me to allow myself to get invested in someone who is invested somewhere else. And so since the feels with this current boy are mutual, its taking a lot more for me to let me guard down. But ya know, we only me <2 weeks ago, so theres really no rush. I am just taking things one day at a time. And so far, I have been happy with how the days have been.<br />
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Ugh. This is my blog. I don't know why I feel the need to be so vague on it. Its really weird to really look at yourself. These days I am feeling really content and overall happy, but I am wondering if its genuine, or if I have just put up these crazy walls, so that I will never feel any true emotion. No sadness, no pure bliss. Just forever content. I just have these irrational fears that if I talk about things using specifics, other people will hear about it. And if I talk about things too much, I'll jinx the way that things are going. But that is dumb.<br />
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Okay. Here we go. Specifics. There is this boy named Jon. We met at the computer lab, and he walked me home. We exchanged numbers, and texted. The next day, he walked me home from the library and we wound up chilling at my house and going to a party. A fewww days later, he met me at the library and helped me study for my pharm exam. Two days after my pharm exam, we took the train to Princeton, ate some food, walked around, and explored the Princeton campus. It was night, and everything looked so magical because of how it was lit. It was pretty lovely. So, we wandered into this garden, and since it was really dark, it took us some time, but we found a bench. We sat on the bench for a while, <i>straight chillin</i> and I talked about my grandma, and my tattoo idea for her. Somehwere during the conversation, Jons hand wandered onto my leg and I held his hand. After a while of sitting and chatting, Jon asked if we could leave soon, since it was getting late. And I said yes, but that there was just something I wanted to see before we left. So he said okay. But then he kissed me. And it was <i>such</i> an awkward kiss, as most first kisses are. We just couldn't find eachothers lips and it was just really funny but also pretty uncomfortable to think back on. But thats how I have pretty much felt about every first kiss with a person, so its not like I am disappointed. And I am not sure if I made this kiss last longer than it should have? Who the heck knows. The point is, we kissed. And I have not kissed a human in a very long time. So it was kind of a big deal. But I have spent the last 4 days trying to talk the entire event down to myself. And I don't know why.<br />
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Basically, I just feel like whenever Jon gets brought up in conversations amongst my friends, something negative gets said about him. Maybe it is me being overly sensitive and weird since this is my first <i>thing</i> with a boy in a pretty long time. But Ryan and Jordan both agreed that he is "simple" and "plain" (which honestly, is there anything really that wrong with being a simple person? Its not like because hes "simple" hes boring). Ariel mentioned that when she felt him, he looked like he was younger than us. Which is not specifically negative, but still makes me feel weird. On a separate occasion, Ryan described him as "insistant" or something to that effect, because he happened to be looking at someones facebook page in the lab, and a mutual friend commented on it. Ugh. I don't know. None of these comments are really that bad. So why are they making me feel so weird? I just have such a hard time letting myself like people. And I feel like I am letting all of these comments just make it even harder. When I could actually like this person? I mean, I don't know if I could actually like this person since I have only known him for a week and a half. But I would like to get to know him more, and give him a fair chance without everyone elses dumb comments clouding how I actually feel.<br />
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So yeah. Those are all of the specifics of life that I needed to talk about. I am just going to keep going with the flow, and see where the flow takes me. But for now, I am not getting too excited about this (I probably couldn't even if I wanted to because of dem walls I was mentioning earlier). So yeah, hopefully I'll get over this, and figure out how I am really feeling.<br />
<br />Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04088767332910065205noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3755167992627132182.post-83280384080038901962013-08-22T09:34:00.001-04:002013-08-22T09:34:08.693-04:00To my friend the internet, Dear internet world,<br />
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There are just some thoughts floating around in my brain that I would like to get out into the universe. So yeah, thats what this is. And of course, they will be in list formation.<br />
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1) I have noticed something about myself. A lot of times, I don't like I have much to say in big groups of people. I really enjoy just sitting back and listening to what everyone else is talking about. But if its a small group, then I am much more willing to participate in the conversation. At first I felt weird about this; I wished that I was more talkative with lots of people. But I've come to accept it. Its just apart of who I am. And theres really nothing wrong with it.<br />
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2) I reaaaaally want to make things right with my mom. Its just sososo freaking hard. I have been much better about maintaining my cool when she pisses me off. But I hate this weird abrupt relationship we have developed. I don't think we'll ever be really close again, but I want to call her and not have our conversations be strictly business. Its definitely something I have to work on. I guess I sometimes say things to her that can cause confrontation, so I have to really think about what I am staying with her. Which is fine since we have been talking less anyways.<br />
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3) These words feel really weird to put out into the universe. And whenever I put words like this out there, I get really nervous that I am going to jinx it. Which is why I tend to keep shit like this inside of me for as long as possible. And this time especially - this shit feels pretty special. But then again - shit always initially feels special. And then when that special thing doesn't work out, I convince myself that it wasn't special at all. (This is so vague, but vagueness feels less risky). Anyways, this special thing just has a little string tying it to another place. But its the kind of string thats so fragile. Like the kind that they use to sew the seams of t-shirts. And once you pull on it, it starts to unravel. But I won't do the pulling. In fact, I am supporting the keeping-together of this special t-shirt and thread. I am like the tag on the shirt, trying to get that shit sold. I am like the friend who really wants the shirt, but lets a different friend buy it even though I kind of think the shirt is really special. One day I think I'd like to purchase this shirt. But for now, I am pretty content with letting someone enjoy it. Also, why does this fucking shit always happen to me? Is it that I always want to purchase t-shirts that are not for sale, or is it that all of the good t-shirts have already been bought?! I don't know man. But it sucks. Cause I really don't like any of my shirts.<br />
^Man, that was so weird. But I literally sighed after getting all that shit off my chest.<br />
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4) I have this thing in my head - I hate the fact that boys treat girls so differently. I want to be treated equal. For example, let me try and pull the freaking canoe onto shore. And then if I can't do it, assist me. But don't just assume that because I am a lady, I can't do it. Then theres this other part of me that wonders if maybe me wanting to be so equal to boys is the reason I don't have a boy of my own. Ya know? There has to be some sort of boundary to maintain sexual interest and the such. Because if I was just <i>one of the guys</i>, no guy would ever see me in <i>that way</i>. Ya know? So I don't know how to deal with this. Whenever these thoughts come into my head, I always feel like I want to act the same, and just dress like more of a lady. But then I try and wear lipstick to 6 flags and my lips start to peel and I start to get really frustrated. I don't know. I guess I am still trying to figure myself out. But I am working on it. And I am definitely content with the person I am becoming. Like I said, I just want to have that lady-side to me. And not walk with a special shirt and accidentally fart and then announce "oops. I just farted". Yup. Thats a thing that happened. Because I am gross. And don't act like a lady. Haha. <br />
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Internet, these are all of the thoughts I have for you today. Thanks for being so awesome and patient with my weird way of expressing things.Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04088767332910065205noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3755167992627132182.post-2585458835052774612013-07-27T22:46:00.001-04:002013-07-27T22:46:28.688-04:00Things to look forward toSometimes I just need little lists like this to keep me going. As a nursing student, I have to make a lot of sacrifices in order to stay on track with classes. This summer, that meant taking two summer classes so that I can start my clinicals in the fall. Its so easy to get discouraged when my friends invite me over to play uno, and I have to say no because I am busy studying alterations of the cardiovascular system. Luckily, the cardiovascular system is my favorite. But still, it sucks alot sometimes. So, here are some exciting things that are keeping my spirits up.<br />
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1) This weekend - going to get lunch with my lovely friend Michelle tomorrow, and going to see the beautiful Ben Howard on Monday<br />
2) Pathophysiology is over in a little more than three weeks. Then I will have about two weeks of pure summer bliss. I have to start planning now, because I really want to make the absolute most of those two weeks<br />
3) Living in New Brunswick in the fall, riding my bike around campus, the rock gym being open again, starting clinicals, and working at the computer lab. And hopefully meeting a cute boy doing one of the above?<br />
4) Learning more about cooking. I find cooking so relaxing and satisfying. Its a little time consuming and I hate washing dishes. But I like putting time and effort into making something that is delicious, something that I get to enjoy <i>and</i> something that is good for me. My family eats out a lot, and its really hard to have healthy, balanced meals when you are eating out.<br />
5) Night time runs in the fall. I wish I could be a morning runner, I really do. It would be so nice to run in the morning and spend the rest of the day knowing that I started my day off right. But I just can't do it. I like leisurely, easy going mornings that involve long breakfasts, lots of time in PJs, and a heartbeat of ~60BPM. Even though I'd love to get my runs done early, running at night is amazing. The streets are empty, the air is nice and crisp, it is a relaxing way to wind down a long day. It just feels right.<br />
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This is from todays run. Its weird, shitty, cellphone quality, but its all good. I always feel so lovely, and so pretty when I complete a run.Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04088767332910065205noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3755167992627132182.post-27172977764732835842013-07-20T09:51:00.001-04:002013-07-20T09:51:11.958-04:00Food and other inspirations. A while ago I wrote a post, mostly for myself, called How to Avoid Funks (or something like that). While writing it, I kind of felt like an asshole, because I didn't want it to come off like I had figured out the secret to happiness and was bragging about it. It was just a personal post that I could come back to incase I ever fell into a funky place. And here I am now - definitely in a very funky spot. I wont go into the details of my funk, but lets just say that on a scale of 1 to 10, I have zero motivation to do anything. That even includes showers! Its just very weird. So I went back and read that short <i>self help</i> post I created. And it really did inspire me. Its weird, because I can read post from other bloggers on how to get out of funks, and while they will inspire me, they create that sort of very temporary bubble of inspiration in my chest and thats about it. But to know that <i>I</i> was in such a good place and <i>I</i> wrote a post on how to get there - its totally different. It makes me REALLY want to get back to that place. So thats really awesome, and something that I definitely plan to work on.<br />
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On a different note, my friends and I have been doing a lot of cooking lately since we all have our own places with kitchens and everything. Its really amazing, and also kind of scary. It really makes me feel like a grown up. Its funny how we rush growing up so much, but once we finally get there, it scares the shit out of us. Or maybe its just me. Anyway, heres some photos of the delicious homemade meals we have been making.<br />
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We also had a dinner party a few nights ago. Everyone got dressed up, and a few of us cooked. It was a freaking 4 course meal! Deviled Eggs for orderves, Caprese salad for appetizer, Vegeterian Pot Pie and Seafood Pasta salad for dinner, and Strawberry Shortcakes for dessert. It was so delicious, and it was all homemade - mostly by me and my friend Kitty. It was just so satisfying to talk about the menu for a few days, go grocery shopping, cook, and then see it all come together. And everyone actually got dressed up and looked so spiffy! I'll have more pictures from that later.Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04088767332910065205noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3755167992627132182.post-52699130033637751742013-04-14T13:07:00.002-04:002013-04-14T13:07:13.852-04:00MICHELLE, this is for you!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dzBAQCFvruiIM1X5DJl2GF6fJo2u05zqGm35fPz5wvnZmqx3br7h16WOumjuzJakpw9ak6htvh1O0aT-rF48w' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
Hi Michelle!! So you should ignore the fact that I am really awkward and I say "like", approximately 7000 times, and the fact that I am really bad at telling stories. Just appreciate this for what it is. Ha ha. I love you and miss you! <3 Oh yeah, I forgot to mention this in my video, but Keiko Lynn has the shirt that I am wearing! Aw yeah - sale rack at Madewell!Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04088767332910065205noreply@blogger.com1