Not so happy things

Dear Grandma,

I really wish you were here right now. So many frustrating things are going on right now, and I know if you were here to talk to about them, you would totally agree with me. I am going to make a list of all of  the things bothering me right now, and just know that you'd feel the same way.

1) Mom is seriously getting on my nerves. I am away from school for weeks at a time, and then when I come home she is just such a jerk. While I am at school, I always miss her so much, but then when I come home she makes no effort to spend time with me, and shes a jerk when we do talk. Today I was looking for my cellphone in her car, and I noticed she had a lot of new nail polishes in her glove compartment. I commented on it to her, and she freaked out and said something to the effect of how she hates when I am home because she always feels so tense when I am around. And before that, when we were at the pizzaria she made a comment about how her Tom and Thomas are so set in their ways and whenever I come home I disrupt it. It makes me feel so shitty when she says things like that, and it makes me feel like theres not even a point in coming home. I wish you were here because I know you'd agree, and you'd say something to her.
2) Mom is like freaking about about this gas thing going on, and she doesn't want to drive anywhere, but then she sees that target has some stupid game that Thomas wants, and now she's driving there to get it. So dumb.
3) This whole hurricane jazz and people being so displaced has me kinda feeling down. Everyone just lost so much and I feel so bad about it. Tomorrow I am going to volunteer at the high school and when I get back to school I am going to volunteer as much as I can. I guess thats all I can do, but I still feel bad and wish I could do more. And I am probably being dumb, but I just feel a little bit bothered because it feels like the people not affected by the hurricane are going on with their lives as if its no big deal (maybe thats me just being to critical, but thats how it feels). For example, my friends are planning to have a party tomorrow night. How can you have a party and have a good time, when so many people just lost everything?! I understand that you can't stop living and having a good time because of things like this, but I just feel that right now people priorities should be helping out those that need it - not getting drunk on a Saturday night. And feeling this way makes me feel like I am too soft to be a nurse. Not to put myself on a pedestal or act like I am so kind/compassionate, but I just feel so much sometimes, and seeing sad things makes me really sad. So I don't know how I am going to be able to see sad things at work everyday, and then go on to live a normal, happy life outside of work. Its a little concerning.

Well, this list turned into more of a vent, but I know that you'd have no problem listening to this vent and so it kinda sucks that you're not here to do that. I hope where ever you are, its freaking awesome.

I love you so much old lady,
Jessie Pooh

I'm, not over you. (Not so happy things)

Blah, I am feeling kinda lameish today. I sent an e-mail to Fernando, and writing to him just felt so natural. I felt like I was able to say exactly what I wanted and none of my thoughts got confused and it just felt so right. So now I feel like a lame piece of poop. I also realized that I kinda really miss him. As a boyfriend or just a friend, I am not sure. But I do know that him and I had a lot of fun together and even though I got frustrated when he didn't know what to say, I way always able to talk to him about absolutely anything and be completely honest. I miss that.

Hopefully the music festival today will cheer me up.

Not So Happy Things

Like I said a while ago, it is so hard for me to maintain a balance on my blogs. Either my blogs end up becoming really negative places that I use simply for venting, or they become these superficially happy places where I don't express my true emotions. Well, since this blog is about me and my happiness, I feel its important to write about the bad stuff too - if we didn't know what it was like to feel like crap, we'd have no understanding of happiness. So yeah, here it is; the not so happy things that I am feeling:

1. I am feeling sooo frustrated with Rutgers. I applied to the nursing program in March. When I applied, the school told me that by the end of June I would have an answer as to whether or not I was accepted. I felt that this would give me a reasonable amount of time to figure out an alternative plan if I didn't get in. Well here we are, on July 6th, and according to the Rutgers transfer website, "no decision has been made". I am just getting so annoyed because all through June I told myself "this isn't so bad, the longest I'll have to wait is X amount of days", because to my understanding there was a deadline I would know by. Well those days have run out, and I still don't know. And its just really really starting to annoy me!

2. At the party I mentioned in my last post, there was this boy (ha ha, me and boys!). I've known him for a while from school and I always thought he was cute, but whatevzzzz. I think lots of people are cute. Well yeah, then at the party we started talking and uggh. Then I started to find him really cute. We went into the basement and drank together (we took a shot of beer because thats all we could find, which I think is really funny), we hung out in the grass together, when I was sitting in this rocky chair he stood behind me and was rocking the chair for me. Ha ha, obviously none of it was a big deal at all. It was just really little things that slowly made me start to feel more attracted to him. Well theeeeen, our other friend kicked everyone out of the basement, and left this boy and another girl in the basement together. Some how everyone wound up re-entering the basement, so said boy and girl left the basement and hooked up on the grass. I know its silly, but it was kind of disappointing. I didn't even want to do anything with him, but it still kinda bothered me. And then the next day he was apart of the group that went to the beach and he looked so tan and his arms looked so muscular. Oh gosh, I get so carried away when I find people attractive. Ha ha. 

3. Fernando freaking Azpiri! My goodness. I really feel that I am pretty much over him. I mean I still have lonely days where I miss him, but for the most part I am in a really good place right now. And its lame because now that I am in this good place, it'd be nice if him and I could be friends. I sent him a text message of a picture that I came across that reminded me of him. Did he answer? No. Does he ever answer? No. And before when I wasn't over him, I would have been really upset and hurt by this. But now I just think hes being stupid. Seriously, c'mon bro, its just a text. Its not a request to shove my tounge down your throat - I think you can respond. 

So yeah, thats about it. I mean if this is what my worries consist of, I think I can confidently say my life is pretty good. But I still think its important to recognize negative emotions and be able to express them. Ya dig? Anything you need to get off your chest? 

Not so happy things

So I have been trying really hard to make sure that my blog stays a really happy and positive environment. I tend to create blogs and then only write on them when I am upset. However, lets be real. We all need some time to vent and just take a load off our shoulders, and so that is what I am about to do. I do not want this blog to become a place where I am constantly unloading things, however it can be necessary every once in a while.

So, my summer started exactly three weeks and two days ago. While I was at school, I was so ridiculously excited for summer and freedom and to be able to do whatever the heck I wanted. But now here I am, three weeks into it and I am just so frustrated! I want to go on lots of adventures and make lots and lots of memories this summer, and it just doesn't seem like anyone else really gives a shit. Its not even that no one cares, everyone is just super busy. Melissa is back at school, I don't even know what the heck Maria is doing but I haven't heard from her, Helga is "busy", Megan has three jobs, Ariel and Faline both live far and both work. Ugh, and this just sucks. It makes me feel like I have no one to depend on and no one to enjoy life with. I used to feel so confident in the fact that I had multiple friendships that were super strong, and now I feel like I am just swimming out here alone with a few people stopping by every once in a while. And its kind of a sucky lonely feeling. I've been trying to not let it get to me, but now that I am actually addressing the problem and talking about it, I am feeling really shitty. I just don't know what to do. I want new friends or something. I should try and hang out with people from work actually. I really like Mikhaila and Jennie, and I've always liked Marissa. I guess that could work. I also just really want a new job or to volunteer. 

Ugh, I hate feeling sorry for myself. I just need to be more proactive. So, I am going to try harder to make plans with people. I am also going to try harder to hang out with new people since all of my old friends seem to be super busy this summer. Buuut, I also have to understand that this is Memorial Day Weekend, and most folks are away this weekend so if I can't find anyone to hang out with is not because I suck, its just because people do shit around this time. THE END.

Anyone else feel like they're a little blue this summer?