So, today I was planning on posting about the Fun. show that I went to on Saturday night, but then some things happened, and now I want to write about those things instead! Basically two separate events happened last night the caused me to come to one conclusion.
Event 1: So I have been thinking about Fernando so much lately (in case anyone is reading this and doesn't know who Fernando is, he is my ex boyfriend. We dated for a year and four months, and have been broken up for about 5 months). Its driving my crazy because I love being single and independent and I love having time to do all these wonderful things for myself like go to the gym and randomly go to shows with friends and the such. And yet I cannot get this silly boy out of my head - I think about how cute we were together and how happy we made each other and all of the wonderful adventures we went on. And then I wonder if I will ever find another boy who makes me just as happy and is as adventurous and open minded and wonderful. And so I am sure you can see why this is frustrating. My heart is just being torn into these two very opposite directions. And so every once in a while when fondly reminiscing about this old relationship I remind myself of some things - the first is the last time that I saw Fernando when I really wanted to kiss him and cuddle with him and say I love him but I also really did not want to do any of those things. And I didn't. And I didn't regret it. The second is what a wonderful semester I had this year without him in my life compared to my first semester which was absolutely awful. And the third is when I told him about my grandma, to which he replied "I don't know what to say". Do I want to date a boy who can never hold a conversation about serious and personal things?! Not really. (Woah, that was a lot of information!)
Anyyyway, so after doing all that thinking, I decided I wanted to hang out with Fernando. Just for one last time, to see if I felt anything and then move the heck on with my life! It made perfect sense to me - just go for a walk or something, talk a little bit, and if nothing is there I know we made the right decision and even though it was lovely while it lasted, it is better that it ended. (I am not sure what I would have done if all those feelings were still there). Well I texted him and asked if he was free this week to go for a walk or something, and he said he wasn't.
Event 2: I have not eaten meat (meat as in chicken, beef, pork etc. I have been eating sea food) since April 1st. That means its been about a month and a half. At first it was so exciting and I tried so many foods I wouldn't try other wise. It felt really good. But then as time went on, I lost track of why I decided to not eat meat in the first place. My heart fluttered and my stomach grumbled at the smell of burgers on the grill or at the smell of that delicious pulled pork sandwich Johnny was eating the other day. All I could think about for every meal was how much easier and delicious and potentially healthier my meals could be with a piece of grilled chicken or something of the sort.
So yesterday was Fathers Day. Tom decided to go to this Cuban restaurant. Might I add that I freaking LOVE any sort of Hispanic food. So when I looked at the menu I was literally drooling over all the plates that included meat. Thats when I made the decision that I would be a "flexa-pescatarian", meaning that I would be a pescatarian that ate meat every once in a while. Well, I ordered chicken empanadas as an appetizer and then seasoned fried chicken chunks with white rice and beans as a main dish. I just want to say that I was far from impressed. The empanada hardly had any chicken, and while the seasoning on the chicken did taste nice, I liked the shell that the empanada was made of much more than the empanada its self. The seasoned chicken chunks were okaaaay but they were kinda slimy and I just had a really hard time enjoying them. Despite the fact that it was chicken, the seasoning was just okay. I enjoyed my side dish of rice and beans much more. Plus, when I went home and logged everything I ate into my fitness pal, I was over by almost 800 calories!
What I realized: Maybe its just me, but there seems to be soo many parallels with my Fernando situation and my meat eating situation. I had something for a while, gave it up, and then when it was gone I was happy. Even though I was happy, I couldn't stop thinking about what I lost, so I tried getting it back. The only difference is with Fernando I was not able to see what happened if I were to "get him back", as in hang out with him again. But I am going to assume that the same thing would have happened - once I tried it again, it would have been okkaay, but I would have been far from impressed and realized that life was nicer, happier and more exciting without it (or him).
And even though I will never know if that is the case, its good enough. I am happy. I have realized something about myself - what I have is never enough. Its something I really need to work on. I am happy now, but for some reason that is not enough. I have this idea that I can be happier if I am thinner or with Fernando or eating meat. Well I have a feeling that I might be happer when I am thinner because I will be healthier and more confident, but neither Fernando nor meat is going to make me healthier or more confident, and they aren't going to make me any happier either.