Little Things Part I

There are some little things about this rainy Wednesday that are making me incredibly happy:

1. I am wearing a denim shirt and my hair is braided

2. I can drink Early Grey Tea and listen to Fleet Foxes

3. Fleet Foxes has an incredible station on Last FM

4. I exceeded my $7.50 meal swipe by 50 cents and my cashier let it go.

5. Its February and I am eating pineapple

6. I am sitting on a big comfy chair in a room with a fireplace

7. I have incredibly beautiful and supportive people in my life.

Life feels pretty okay right now. And learning about Buddhism has taught me that this feeling of contentment is not permanent, which I am okay with. I am just happy and grateful to be feeling this way right now.

The small things

The weather the past two days has been so freaking lovely! Yesterday I sat outside and ate lunch and just people watched. It was great. It was so nice to be outside for a while; recently I feel like all the time I spend outside is just from walking to class to class. Back when I lived at home, my friends and I would go for walks all the time, plus Maria and I had a 20 minute walk to and from school. I definitely want to try and incorporate more walking into my life. Its such an easy and leisurely way to burn more calories, plus I could really used the serotonin!

Another thing that has been going on in my life; recently I have been feeling like I have no sense of style. I mean sure, I don't dress poorly, but there is nothing particularly lovely about the way that I dress. I am almost always wearing skinny jeans, some sort of basic top and a cute pair of shoes. I don't look baddd, but I want to develop really great style. I just don't know where to begin! Here are some styles I have saved on my computer that I am particularly fond of

1. http://www.selectivepotential.com/

2. I have no idea where I found this picture!

3. http://nicoleloher.tumblr.com/

There are so many others that I love, I just can't find them right now! So this weekend I plan on doing some damage at the mall. But another thing that I have been hating is my hair. I need to learn how to style these lovely locks. That however, I will save for another post! 

All work and no play

Gah, I just have so much school work to do, and I have been working on it non-stop since yesterday. I am just so tired of it; I need a break! At the same time though, I just want to finish all of it rather than making this take long than it has to. I really just want to hang out with my friends and laaaughhh. Laughter is the medicine I need right now. And maybe some more sleep! Amanda is sick with a really bad cough, so basically now my sleep schedule is dependent on her; when she falls asleep then I can finally sleep, but as soon as she wakes up and starts coughing again, I am up with her. Its so incredibly lame ):

And yeah, other than that I guess everything is okay. I really miss Fernando still, and I am sooo bored of doing homework so I texted him not expecting him to write back, but he wrote back saying that he can talk in 10 minutes! Gah, I don't even know what I wanna talk about anymore. Well I do; I really wanna ask him whether he was genuine when he said he wanted to be friends with me and I also want to ask him if we are still in that whole "we'll see where things go" phase, or if we are moving past that to just moving on completely. Did we just say that to make the breakup less really and less painful? Okay, so I guess I know exactly what I want to talk to him about but this is going to be such a scary and possibly painful conversation that is going to include me doing a ton of ranting.

Gah, it was just weird because I was doing my chemistry homework and one of the elements was NaNO and Fernando's nickname is Nano and then a little while later the theme song for the Office came on which is one of Fernando's favorite shows. Weird stufffff.

Bony Bear

Whole mother effing shit! This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen; I have never been so moved by music before. I love this man. 

Falling off track

Gah, so when I got back to school, I was so incredibly motivated and it was so lovely! I was running constantly, going to work out classes, ontop of my school work annnd making time to hang out with friends. It was such a great feeling to be so in control. Recently however, I have fallen off track a little bit; I am a bit behind in a few of my classes, not as motivated, eating a little less healthy and not putting as much effort into being social.

I have noticed a significant change in the way I feel now as apposed to the way I was feeling when the semester started; clearly I was a lot happier then and I think a lot of it had to do with the way I ate and the fact that I made time for exercise. I therefore decided that me falling off track was something that needed to happen. This is a little reminded of exactly why I need to eat healthy, when some other things taste so much better. This is why I need to get my work done early and not stay up until 2am trying to catch us. This little "derailing" was just an eye-opener to remind me of which lifestyle is more appealing; its almost somewhat motivating to fall off track!

So here I am now; ready to do some homework this weekend, hit the gym and start running again, and then in my spare time, share some laughs with my friends. I couldn't be more excited. Okay, well thats an exaduration; for some reason I am a little scared - I miss Fernando and I miss the comfort of having him (not that that has anything to do with this, but it is a fact) - but I am going to take control and do what I need to do to make myself happy! There are also a few other things I want to post such as tattoo ideas and other sources of inspiration, but I'll save that for later!

Fresh Start

So I am beginning to feel like I am falling back into a bit of a slump again, but I can't allow this to happen. I want so badly to just have a fresh start. I don't even know what that means, but I just have this really strong desire to start with a clean plate, a blank canvas. So I decided tomorrow is going to be my blank canvas. I can do whatever I want with my life starting tomorrow. If I want it to happen, I can make it happen because this is my life and I am in control. If I want to paint my world with bright shades of purples and oranges, I will. 

I cleaned my room, I did my laundry, I shaved, I organized all my stuff, I moisturized my skin and my hair, I cleaned out my e-mails. I am ready for this. Everything is in order for me to do whatever I want. I just feel like I have all of this desire and passion and energy in me, and I want to let it out. My passion used to be channeled into loving Fernando, but we no longer have that, which means I need to find new outlets. Everyday day; no, every second is a new second with which I can do whatever I want. Every second is my blank canvas. I want to get thin, I want to make art and music, I want to fall in love with things other than boys, I want to be filled with incredible burning joy and I want to share that feeling with everyone I meet once I find it. This is my Adventure to find Happiness.

Yesterday I realized something so incredibly important. It just came to me, and it clicked. I might even go as far as to say I had a life changing revelation. I realized that every time I was upset or stressed or not feeling happy, I would go to Fernando to make me feel better and it would never work so I would get frustrated with him. And then yesterday it just hit me - its not Fernando who is supposed to make me happy (which is why it never worked out); I need to learn how to make myself happy. If I am having a rough day, I can't go to someone else with my problems and expect them to suddenly make things better; I need to figure out on my own how I can make things better. Only Jessica can make Jessica truly happy - Fernando can't do that, and neither can anyone else. Gosh, it was such a good feeling to finally see things clearly. And I have to say, I have been feeling pretty good. Obviously its a day by day thing and perhaps today or tomorrow won't be that good, but I am learning how to equip myself with the proper tools to make those rough days better.

On another note, I have been running consistently, and I looove it!

(when I took ^that picture I though it was incredibly clever, but I realized I am not that fond of it)

Running is seriously the ultimate cure to everything. My day is immediately better after a run. Everytime I run, I think of all the reasons why I run, and my reasoning is never ever "as a work out". Instead I always have these really intense reasons like "I run to survive" or "I run so that I don't feel anxious". Its really incredible! 

(I also hate this picture, but Faline looks so funny!)

Things at school have been pretty lovely too. I am making more of an effort to be social and make plans, and I am really happy with the way this semester is turning out so far! (*knock on wood*)

Alsoooo, I registered for the Rutger's half todaay! I am so incredibly excited/nervous. This means I actually have to go through with this. I also want to register for a few other races, like a TRIATHALON! I am going swimming with Max on sunday, so if it goes well, I am going to register! (: