Monday, August 27, 2012

To Live Doesn't Mean You're Alive

I suppose all of my posts on this blog are personal, but this one is a bit more personal. I considered simply writing about it in my journal, but I think this might be something that others could benefit from so well, so I will leave it here for random strangers to come across. Here it is:

This weekend, I had a very scary experience. Basically I felt like life was not real. It felt like everything was simply  projection of my imagination, and it felt like people were not actually people and life was all a sort of dream I guess. But it didn't feel like it was a dream I could wake up from, if that makes sense. It just felt like life was fake, and it had always been fake, yet it was something I could not control. Its kind of difficult to explain. Anyways, that sort of anxiety attack (induced by other things) happened on Saturday, so it has been two days. But since then, I have been thinking about it a lot. There are times I am just sitting around thinking to myself holy shit, what if I was right. But that only happens when I am just sitting around with nothing to do.

The whole thing just made me realize that I need to do more things that make me feel alive. Do you ever just do things that make you feel like man, this is life, and I am alive, and thats a wonderful thing? Today I was painting a notebook, and I got that feeling. My mind was totally clear, yet I was so incredibly focused. And I just felt alive. Another thing that makes me feel quite alive is running. I miss running so much, yet I just cannot bring myself to do it. Hanging out with my friends and laughing is something else that makes me feel quite alive, but I think that makes everyone feel alive! Ha ha.

Anyway, I am taking this weekend as a wake up call. I spend far too much time in these sort of fantasy worlds where everything is great and dandy. I live in this little bubble. But I need to really start interacting with the world around me, and doing more things that give me this feeling of being alive.

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