Sunday, August 5, 2012

Learning about myself

Last week when I was in Brooklyn I was doing some thinking, and I realized that I really have no idea who I am. I am not really sure what I like or what I like to do or what I like to eat. I don't know what it is. I seriously don't have a favorite anything. I don't have a favorite food, book, movie, band, store, shirt ... Its kind of frustrating. I am 19 years old, and whenever I am asked what I like to do, I always recite the generic "hangout with friends, read, go online, run ... " its never like theres any real conversation starters or anything that really defines me, ya know? So I am on this sort of mission to discover who I am and what I like. Its kind of hard though. Its tough to be honest with myself when I am always worrying about what others think. For example, today in Sephora a girl showed me this really red lip stain that I really liked. I felt comfortable wearing it in Sephora, but once I left the store I felt a little odd. When my brother said I looked like a clown I started to feel really self conscious. And I almost died when I saw Fernando (thankfully he didn't see me). Perhaps thats why I have no idea who I am - I let other peoples opinions heavily influence the decisions I make and as a result I am a person that I think other people would approve of. Does that make sense? The frustrating thing is that I don't really approve of this person that I am. And isn't that whats most important?

Well anyways, I decided to start this journey of finding myself by first making a list of things that I actually do know about myself:

1. I hate charging my cellphone. I have no idea why, I just really hate doing it.
2. Running is my ultimate form of therapy. Most of the time however, I am too lazy to go for a run, which leaves me feeling like poop.
3. I love making lists. I find them so soothing and relaxing. I make lists about everything.
4. I also find writing incredibly therapeutic. I am awful at talking 98% of the time because my mouth is 10x faster then my brain and so my thoughts get really jumbled when I try and speak. But everything goes at the perfect pace and is so much clearer when I write. 
5. I believe that coming home to a clean room is such an incredible feeling. Just everything about a clean room is nice. When my room is messy, everything else in my life starts to suffer including my hygiene, my eating, the way I dress. Its quite odd how the cleanliness of my room is directly correlated to how I act. 
6. I am an awful speller. I just used spell check to help me correct the spelling of 6 different words in the number above this one. 
7. I suck a finishing things. I lack the drive and the passion to see a project from start to finish.
8. I have trouble doing nothing for long periods of time. Eventually I begin to feel really antsy. I often feel like I am just wasting my life when I do nothing.
9. My friends are incredibly important to me. It takes a lot for me to get close to people, and so when I let people in to see the true me, I hold them very near and dear to my heart. Which is why I find it incredibly painful when I feel like I am beginning to lose a friend. 
10. I have this weird obsession with checking my e-mail. I think its because I don't have a facebook.

Well, thats all for now. I'll keep you, and myself, updated on this odd and confusing journey. 

1 comment:

  1. i think you need to write more. about everything. like not a diary, maybe a "note book" like hannah in girls. just write. and go through rookie archives about writing. they have some great advice. READ ROOKIE. AAAAND listen to this song: Woman Up by Charlene Kaye. But like really listen to it. listen to the lyrics. because its directed at you.