So I was feeling really good for a while, and now I am feeling not so good. And I guess that is life. But feeling really good is aweesssomme. And feeling not so good kinda sux. So, I would like to sort through why I am feeling not so good. Ah, I am so tempted to make a list in order to do this, but I don't know if a list will help in this situation. I think instead, perhaps a little story-telling will help me pinpoint where things started to feel less lovely. Lets be real. Part of this is related to a boy.. or perhaps not even a specific boy. Just the feeling I am looking to get from a boy, and not finding. Perhaps I shouldn't be expecting any sort of feeling and I should just take things as they are? Idk. This is all so vague. So, details..
So, lets start out right before winter break, which was a month ago already! Thats kind of unbelievable. Right before winter break started, I decided I didn't like Brian anymore. He was really rude to a store owner one day, and I am so not about that. Pretty soon after I decided I didn't like Brian, this boy Ryan who I met last summer texed me to say whaddup. Over the summer I had decided I didn't like Ryan (lol, am I an asshole?) so I was only halfheartedly texting him back. Or more so, I wasn't putting effort into texting him. I was just being really natural and saying whatever because I didn't really care. Except this seemed to lead us somewhere, and I ended up really enjoying our conversation and lalala. We hung out right before he left for Minnesota and I had a really nice time, so then I was all like shit, maybe hes not such an asshole. He went to Minnesota and I went home and we didn't really talk because I guess we were both living our lives.
So winter break was really lovely. At first I was feeling kinda ehhh about not texting with Ryan. So those were some feelings. But then I got over it. I worked for half of winter break, and for half of it I hung out with beaaautiful people. I went to DC with my nursing friends. I saw two plays with Michelle - one called Constellations and one called This Is Our Youth. I hung out with Kitty a lot and we ate delicious things and went on an adventure to Highland Park. I hung out with Maria and Melissa a few times. I tried Cronuts finally!! I tried hot yoga. I tried and did a lot of things and now I feel like I want to make a list because I am feeling really good about all of it. I alsoooo e-mailed a lady named Dr. Kelly to tell her that I was interested in going on this trip that she was leading via study abroad.. to South Africa! And that was a thing that was in the works. So, things were pretty cool.
I guess things were relatively cool, because while I was really excited about all of these nice things, I did spend part of break feeling weird about ending my little texting streak with Ryan. I also was feeling lame because my mom was not into the idea of me studying abroad at allll. So that sucked. But I knew I had to figure out a way to make this happen for myself.
So, winter break ended. I got back to New Brunswick, and was back to living in what really feels like Amandas apartment. Amanda and Joe are in love, and Shannon and Brenden are engaged. And I am this ~free spirit~ (not really) 100% doing my own thing. And I am not mad about it. Shannon often talks about not being able to do certain things because she would feel bad traveling and not going to see Brenden. And Amanda spends sooo much time with Joe, so when she gets to be apart from him and see friends, she goes on and on about how she wishes she had more if it and how nice it feels. So I don't think I am jealous of them. I guess I am in a way just longing to experience that again, but in my own way. I don't want to pass up opportunities because of someone. And right now my friends are my world, so I do not want that to change. I just want companionship? I want someone to cuddle with sometimes. Or even simpler than that, I want to be able to rest my knees against someone else's knees.
Ugh, I have gotten very off track. So.. back in New Brunswick. Classes started. For some reason, college totally changes who I am as a person. This never happened in high school so its something I am still trying to understand. But college causes me to become hyper-focused, and its a feeling that is hard to shake, even when I am doing things that don't involve my studies. And I guess this weird hyper-focused state makes it hard for me to connect with people. I get back to my apartment and I don't really want to be bothered with my roommates. Idk. Or maybe its the weather. Or maybe I am a little homesick. Or maybe its all of that. There are just very specific moments when I want to talk to people. And when I don't want to talk to people, I really don't and I guess I am kind of an asshole. And its probably really hard for my roommates to understand. Which I feel bad about. And idk. Thats just another thing in a pile of lame.
However, that thought also feels very off track. Back to South Africa. So I really wanted to go and I decided I was going to do everything I could to make it happened. So I e-mailed all the necessary people and filled out all the necessary paperwork, and I broke it to my mom who was far from happy. At first I was all I am going to do it with or without you. However after two days of being up all night because I felt so bad about doing something without my moms support, I decided I should actually not go to South Africa. I called my mom and explained to her that I wasn't going anymore, and explained to her why. She agreed this was a wise decision, and I was so relieved to have her back on my side. So I contacted the study abroad folk, and they were all its too late. You're still gonna have to pay, so you might as well go. And I was like shiiiitttt. My mom said that she would call for me (because my mom is a badass, and I am too passive to get shit done the way she does). So my mom called Dr. Kelly, and then she called me and says shes letting me go to South Africa, and that as a graduation gift she is going to help me pay for it. I was so shocked, but so excited. I am still so excited!! But it still doesn't feel real. Its very strange. BUT I AM SO EXCITED. What I am trying to get at is that Study Abroad had me feeling very lame, and then it had me feeling really amazing, and I suppose now its sort of plateaued.
Back to the Ryan shenanigans.. so I sort of just accepted that the texting streak was over. I tried texting him a few more times, and he hardly responded, so I decided to just accept that for what it was. We texted here and there, it was nothing tooo special, and he always seemed to stop responding at some point so I just figured him texting me didn't mean anything. Then he texted me last Monday asking if I have plans for Saturday. I told him I had work in the morning, but that was it. He replied "May I buy you a dinner that evening?". And in my head I was like ~booo-yaaaa! freaking finally!!~. But then I realized that Saturday was Valentines day, so of course my brain started to get carried away, wondering if he didn't actually like me but instead was just asking me to hangout so that he didn't have to be alone. It just felt weird that he had all of this time to ask me to hangout and he decided to ask for a day during which people dread being alone. Either way, I had already agreed and I was looking forward to being able to hangout with him again.
I rushed home from work on Saturday, got ready, ran to the train, and Ryan met me at Penn Station. So heres the thing. When I think I might like a person, I act sooo casual around them because acting like I like them is a really scary thing. So the whole date was very casual. But it was also really fun. Ryan decided that we should start with dessert, so we went to this ice cream place right under the Brooklyn side of the Brooklyn Bridge. And we walked around a little. Then we went to this Italian restaurant (I don't remember the name!) but Ryan took the initiative to make reservations and all that which was sweet. After we ate, we just walked all over the city talking about really random things. But it was really nice. However, it was totally casual (probably mostly my fault?). So Ryan walked me to the bus and waited with me, and then when my bus came we hugged. And I got nervous. I didn't know what to do! So I just looked at him and thanked him for everything and I got on my bus. Should we have kissed? I really don't know. I definitely wouldn't have minded if we did. But, it is what it is.
Sooo, this leads us to yesterday. I am a part nut job, part wishful thinker, part person-who-says-she-wants-to-live-with-no-regrets-so-half-heartedly-tries-to-make-things-happen-but-fails.. so I texted Ryan and totally lied about needing to go back to the city to buy my brother a birthday present, and I asked if he wanted to do some homework with me at a coffee shop after I "ran errands". He said yes, and again I thought to myself ~boooo-yaaaa!~. And I told myself this time it was going to happen. But heres what actually happened: Ryan suggested this Edgar Allen Poe themed cafe, so we went there. We ordered our drinks and I got food because I was soo hungry. Ryan took out his laptop but he felt like the owneer of the cafe was eyeing him down (it seemed like more of a restaurant I suppose). So instead of doing work, I ate and Ryan told me all about this project he is working on with this guy called Mick Rock who is a famous photographer. The point of saying this is that we were sitting across a table and Ryan was talking and I was eating and there was no room for magic. So after we finished, we decided to look for a new place to go since it didn't seem like the place we were at was working. I wanted to go to this cafe with couches, and I figured we could be all cozied up and stuff which would be really nice. Except it was closed. So we instead went looking for somewhere, and found this non-memorable place and sat at a 4 person rectangle table and I was on one end and he was on the other and (basically..as far away from each other as possible). So I finished reading horrible Hemingway and then we talked about the kind of writing we like and that was really nice. It was nice to be sitting across from him and reading while he was doing work.. being in each others company but not having to talk or anything. So yaaaa. The cafe closed and we left and hopped on the train to go home. We were in the middle of talking about roommates and suddenly Ryan cut me off and was like "This is my stop! Text me the rest of that story!" and he gave me the quickest hug ever and ran away. I was so caught off guard, I didn't really know how to even process the whole thing.
He texted me a bit later and said "So, do I get the rest of that story?" which I thought was really sweet. But I am still really confused. Also he called me dude a lot when we hungout. I think its a thing he subconsciously does when he gets excited. But I am not a fan. And hes also moving to California in a few months so thats a thing. But like I mentioned earlier, I just want a companion (am I an 80 year old lady looking for visitors?). So I guess him moving doesn't matter that much. I just want to kiss him and immediately after tell him "please stop calling me dude!". But yeah, I guess that has me feeling weird. I am tired of just being a bro or whatever. Iddddddk.
Gosh, all of this seriously took me over an hour to write which is craaaazzy. But it was nice to think it all through and process all of it and kinda just tell the internet about my life. Its good. Its really good. I just sometimes get caught up and let myself fester in some of the negative bits which isn't cool. But like I said, writing and thinking helps. So, theres that.
Also, I am not proofreading this. #yolo