Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Feels & things and honesty

Hello world. I am at work right now. My work basically just consists of me sitting at a computer, writing down how many people are in the lab, and helping people print. Its a pretty sweet deal. Usually I end up getting a lot of homework done at work, but today theres not much for me to do. I can't even believe that is a thing I am saying, because I feel like I have been crazy busy since the semester started. Well, there are things I could be doing so that I am not crazy busy next week, but they can wait a few more minutes.

So, its junior freaking year man! How crazy is that? I've always felt like my 3rd year in a place ends up being my best year. I felt that way after 3 years of middle school, 3 years of high school and now 3 years of college. I don't know what it is. It just feels like it takes 3 years for me to get really comfortable with my surroundings and my people. That being said, Junior year of college has been pretty sweet so far! I am not even going to go into all of the details of why things are so sweet, I'll just keep it brief. I am pretty happy in my house, pretty happy in my clinical, and pretty happy with how I have been spending my time.

Anyways, I more started writing this post for the same reason I start writing most posts on this blog. Just to sort out some feelings on a certain subject. Today, that certain subject is a boy. And writing about this makes me feel dumb, because in my last post I wrote about a boy that I thought I liked. And then I got to know that boy, and I realized there was no way we could ever work out. So this is a new boy. And its just so weird how in that moment of writing that post, I had such strong feelings. And now, a little more than a month later, I am so over it.

I guess thats kind of what I need to sort? Just the fact that its weird that we can sometimes feel so invested in another person, and yet those feelings can be so temporary. With the boy I mentioned in my previous post, it just took one night of drinking for me to really see his true colors and decide that he was not for me. And so now with this new human that I have feels for, I am being soso cautious. I also think its a lot easier for me to allow myself to get invested in someone who is invested somewhere else. And so since the feels with this current boy are mutual, its taking a lot more for me to let me guard down. But ya know, we only me <2 weeks ago, so theres really no rush. I am just taking things one day at a time. And so far, I have been happy with how the days have been.

Ugh. This is my blog. I don't know why I feel the need to be so vague on it. Its really weird to really look at yourself. These days I am feeling really content and overall happy, but I am wondering if its genuine, or if I have just put up these crazy walls, so that I will never feel any true emotion. No sadness, no pure bliss. Just forever content. I just have these irrational fears that if I talk about things using specifics, other people will hear about it. And if I talk about things too much, I'll jinx the way that things are going. But that is dumb.

Okay. Here we go. Specifics. There is this boy named Jon. We met at the computer lab, and he walked me home. We exchanged numbers, and texted. The next day, he walked me home from the library and we wound up chilling at my house and going to a party. A fewww days later, he met me at the library and helped me study for my pharm exam. Two days after my pharm exam, we took the train to Princeton, ate some food, walked around, and explored the Princeton campus. It was night, and everything looked so magical because of how it was lit. It was pretty lovely. So, we wandered into this garden, and since it was really dark, it took us some time, but we found a bench. We sat on the bench for a while, straight chillin and I talked about my grandma, and my tattoo idea for her. Somehwere during the conversation, Jons hand wandered onto my leg and I held his hand. After a while of sitting and chatting, Jon asked if we could leave soon, since it was getting late. And I said yes, but that there was just something I wanted to see before we left. So he said okay. But then he kissed me. And it was such an awkward kiss, as most first kisses are. We just couldn't find eachothers lips and it was just really funny but also pretty uncomfortable to think back on. But thats how I have pretty much felt about every first kiss with a person, so its not like I am disappointed. And I am not sure if I made this kiss last longer than it should have? Who the heck knows. The point is, we kissed. And I have not kissed a human in a very long time. So it was kind of a big deal. But I have spent the last 4 days trying to talk the entire event down to myself. And I don't know why.

Basically, I just feel like whenever Jon gets brought up in conversations amongst my friends, something negative gets said about him. Maybe it is me being overly sensitive and weird since this is my first thing with a boy in a pretty long time. But Ryan and Jordan both agreed that he is "simple" and "plain" (which honestly, is there anything really that wrong with being a simple person? Its not like because hes "simple" hes boring). Ariel mentioned that when she felt him, he looked like he was younger than us. Which is not specifically negative, but still makes me feel weird. On a separate occasion, Ryan described him as "insistant" or something to that effect, because he happened to be looking at someones facebook page in the lab, and a mutual friend commented on it. Ugh. I don't know. None of these comments are really that bad. So why are they making me feel so weird? I just have such a hard time letting myself like people. And I feel like I am letting all of these comments just make it even harder. When I could actually like this person? I mean, I don't know if I could actually like this person since I have only known him for a week and a half. But I would like to get to know him more, and give him a fair chance without everyone elses dumb comments clouding how I actually feel.

So yeah. Those are all of the specifics of life that I needed to talk about. I am just going to keep going with the flow, and see where the flow takes me. But for now, I am not getting too excited about this (I probably couldn't even if I wanted to because of dem walls I was mentioning earlier). So yeah, hopefully I'll get over this, and figure out how I am really feeling.

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