Hello, how are you? Like your shoes, love your hair.

I have not been able to put this much of my hair back since I cut all my hair off in April! As much as I love having short hair, its really nice to just pull my hair back, throw on a white tee and some red lipgloss and call it a day. Unfortunately, putting my hair up takes a lot more time and effort then it used to because of how short some of my layers are. But its totally worth the effort.

I kind of took a mini, un intentional break from blogging, because I was feeling all of these crappy negative things. I started keeping a journal to write down all of the crappiness I feel. I want to really make sure this blog stays positive. But I am back to feeling normal again, and so I am ready to post lots of happy things! 

Anyway, gotta run to work, but I'll be back with more happiness later! 

Partying in the USA

The past three days have seriously been so incredible, and I feel so grateful to be fortunate enough to have such good experiences! My three-days-of-fun started off on Tuesday. I took the train into New Brunswick where Faline picked me up. We picked up Ariel, drove to Faline's, ate Wawa sandwiches, watched United States of Tara, enjoyed a few cocktails and had a sleepover. On Wednesday we woke up and headed over to out friend Kitty's house for her 4th of July BBQ. It was so incredible to see everyone from school! We played a bunch of games, went slipping and sliding, had lots of conversations, drank way too much, ate lots of food, and stayed up way too late. It was seriously the perfect 4th of July. Then on Thursday (today) we all magically woke up at 6:30 a.fucking.m. after going to be at like 2 or 3 or maybe it was 4? Either way, we woke up way too early. We ate some breakfast and then headed to the beach. The water was lovely and the company was lovely and the sun was just, well, lovely! After the beach, we headed to this ice cream shop that our friend John recommended, and thats how we ended our three-days-of fun. It was such a great three days and I am sososo happy. Since I was so busy having a good time, I didn't really take any pictures. Often, I feel like its more important to enjoy the experience than try and capture it. But here are the few pictures I did take:

I'm just a dreamer

So there has been a lot of talk on this blog of me trying to be happy on my own. Well yesterday I did something on my own I cannot even describe how happy I felt afterwards. A few months ago I bought tickets to see the Tallest Man on Earth. I kept forgetting that I had the tickets, but yesterday was the day. I didn't even really wanna go anymore, but I wasn't going to waste good seats (4th row from the front). So I put on my favorite dress and some really pretty earrings and I went, and I had such a wonderful time! The opening band was so incredible, and so was Kristian! For the very last song, his wife came out and sang with him. They were too freaking cute. He just stared at her the entire time. I was dying, but also pretty freaking jealous! Ugh, I left feeling so inspired and just really good about life. I was inspired to learn some music and to go to more things on my own and to dress up more often and just in so many ways! Since I had such a good time and loved the music so much, I decided to buy some CDs. They were only $10 each, so I bought 3. One of the opening band, Strand of Oaks, and two of the Tallest Man on Earth. I wound up spending all my money on music and had to pay for the bus partially in quarters. But it was so worth it! Kristian is seriously SO beautiful; one of the prettiest boys I have ever seen in my whole life; but unfortunately my camera really sucks, so the best picture I got of him was of his back. I am going to look into investing in a new camera soon. 

What I learned from not eating meat

So, today I was planning on posting about the Fun. show that I went to on Saturday night, but then some things happened, and now I want to write about those things instead! Basically two separate events happened last night the caused me to come to one conclusion.

Event 1: So I have been thinking about Fernando so much lately (in case anyone is reading this and doesn't know who Fernando is, he is my ex boyfriend. We dated for a year and four months, and have been broken up for about 5 months). Its driving my crazy because I love being single and independent and I love having time to do all these wonderful things for myself like go to the gym and randomly go to shows with friends and the such. And yet I cannot get this silly boy out of my head - I think about how cute we were together and how happy we made each other and all of the wonderful adventures we went on. And then I wonder if I will ever find another boy who makes me just as happy and is as adventurous and open minded and wonderful. And so I am sure you can see why this is frustrating. My heart is just being torn into these two very opposite directions. And so every once in a while when fondly reminiscing about this old relationship I remind myself of some things - the first is the last time that I saw Fernando when I really wanted to kiss him and cuddle with him and say I love him but I also really did not want to do any of those things. And I didn't. And I didn't regret it. The second is what a wonderful semester I had this year without him in my life compared to my first semester which was absolutely awful. And the third is when I told him about my grandma, to which he replied "I don't know what to say". Do I want to date a boy who can never hold a conversation about serious and personal things?! Not really. (Woah, that was a lot of information!)

Anyyyway, so after doing all that thinking, I decided I wanted to hang out with Fernando. Just for one last time, to see if I felt anything and then move the heck on with my life! It made perfect sense to me - just go for a walk or something, talk a little bit, and if nothing is there I know we made the right decision and even though it was lovely while it lasted, it is better that it ended. (I am not sure what I would have done if all those feelings were still there). Well I texted him and asked if he was free this week to go for a walk or something, and he said he wasn't.

Event 2: I have not eaten meat (meat as in chicken, beef, pork etc. I have been eating sea food) since April 1st. That means its been about a month and a half. At first it was so exciting and I tried so many foods I wouldn't try other wise. It felt really good. But then as time went on, I lost track of why I decided to not eat meat in the first place. My heart fluttered and my stomach grumbled at the smell of burgers on the grill or at the smell of that delicious pulled pork sandwich Johnny was eating the other day. All I could think about for every meal was how much easier and delicious and potentially healthier my meals could be with a piece of grilled chicken or something of the sort.

So yesterday was Fathers Day. Tom decided to go to this Cuban restaurant. Might I add that I freaking LOVE any sort of Hispanic food. So when I looked at the menu I was literally drooling over all the plates that included meat. Thats when I made the decision that I would be a "flexa-pescatarian", meaning that I would be a pescatarian that ate meat every once in a while. Well, I ordered chicken empanadas as an appetizer and then seasoned fried chicken chunks with white rice and beans as a main dish. I just want to say that I was far from impressed. The empanada hardly had any chicken, and while the seasoning on the chicken did taste nice, I liked the shell that the empanada was made of much more than the empanada its self. The seasoned chicken chunks were okaaaay but they were kinda slimy and I just had a really hard time enjoying them. Despite the fact that it was chicken, the seasoning was just okay. I enjoyed my side dish of rice and beans much more. Plus, when I went home and logged everything I ate into my fitness pal, I was over by almost 800 calories!

What I realized: Maybe its just me, but there seems to be soo many parallels with my Fernando situation and my meat eating situation. I had something for a while, gave it up, and then when it was gone I was happy. Even though I was happy, I couldn't stop thinking about what I lost, so I tried getting it back. The only difference is with Fernando I was not able to see what happened if I were to "get him back", as in hang out with him again. But I am going to assume that the same thing would have happened - once I tried it again, it would have been okkaay, but I would have been far from impressed and realized that life was nicer, happier and more exciting without it (or him).

And even though I will never know if that is the case, its good enough. I am happy. I have realized something about myself - what I have is never enough. Its something I really need to work on. I am happy now, but for some reason that is not enough. I have this idea that I can be happier if I am thinner or with Fernando or eating meat. Well I have a feeling that I might be happer when I am thinner because I will be healthier and more confident, but neither Fernando nor meat is going to make me healthier or more confident, and they aren't going to make me any happier either.

Happy Things

So there are not multiple happy things today, just one happy little story. I didn't do anything at all today. And it was really hard for me to accept, but in the end the day turned out really nice. I just stayed in and got some really wonderful quality time in with my family. I played baseball with my little brother, I helped my mom out and did a bunch of favors for her, I cleaned my grandmas car so that I can start driving it. I didn't get anything major checked off my to-do list, but I suppose thats okay because I got to spend time with my family and they are seriously so incredible. I always forget this but I am always reminded; friend and boyfriends are incredibly flakey, but my family has literally been there for me whenever I have needed them. I love them so much for that. I was never really a family person, but recently I have realized how incredibly important and beautiful these folks are. And that is indeed quite a happy thing.

Back into the swing of things (Happy Things)

I could really use a good reminder of some happy things, so good thing that its Wednesday! I skipped out on a few weeks my happy things posts, but I am back to it now, so here it goes!

1. This weekend I am going to be volunteering with my lovely friends from Habitat for Humanity. We are going to be running a table at the Bamboozle Festival. That means, not only will I be hanging out with lovely people, I'll be around live music! 

2. I have been going to Brooklyn a lot recently, which is always nice. I love that place.

3. This beautiful young lady, my best friend Michelle (who blogs over here) is coming home soon! Can't wait to see her!

4. I tried this chocolate on Monday. Oh my goodness; it is absolutely delicious!

5. Lets be real, how can you not get happy when you see a bunny with its tongue sticking out?!

Any other happy things I should know about to make my week a little better? 

Realization

*April 15th is still on my camera*

April 16th- Was a little cranky part of today, but I went for a run for the first time in 3 weeks which was lovely. I feel like my smile is always so much brighter when I come back from a run.

So as I wrote in the caption for that picture, I have not run in 3 weeks, and today I was feeling so slugish and crappy. All I really wanted to do was go back to my room and sleep, but I convinced myself that going for a run, sweating out some of the toxins in my body and getting a nice dose of endorphins would help. I am still incredibly tired, but my run was lovely and I feel so good that I went! I am hoping that this along with my half marathon will help me get back into the swing of things. 

* * *

On a somewhat related note, these are just some thoughts I have been having:

So recently I have been feeling a little lonely; just in general. Lonely about not having a boy to call my own and lonely because of some weird friend situations. And at the same time that this has been happening, Alex has been pledging, which means that Amanda has had a lot of free time. Her and I have gotten a lot closer, and I have really grown to like her. She really is a good friend and I feel like I have been able to open up to her more than anyone else here (which is weird, because for so long I fought having a relationship with her). Anyways, on Saturday, Alex "crossed", which means that he is free again, and him and Amanda are back to their usual routine. At first this made me kinda sad and jealous (because they seriously are so happy together). Well, I suppose I am still a little sad and jealous, but I have flipped these feelings around to make them positive. I know for a fact that part of the reason both Amanda and Alex are so happy is because they both take such good care of themselves; eating right and excercising a lot. Since those things make them naturally happy people, add the fact that they are doing those things together and you get a naturally happy couple. And thats something I really admire. I also really admire how rediculously kind Amanda is to Alex; she is seriously the sweetest girlfriend ever. I only hope that I can be that nice to the next boy I date. But its sort of giving my something to strive for; its inspiring. I see the way they take care of themselves and how that is reflected in their positive energy, and I see the way they treat each other ; both of which inspire me to hopefully one day find that sense of sort if being at peace. 

Little Things Part I

There are some little things about this rainy Wednesday that are making me incredibly happy:

1. I am wearing a denim shirt and my hair is braided

2. I can drink Early Grey Tea and listen to Fleet Foxes

3. Fleet Foxes has an incredible station on Last FM

4. I exceeded my $7.50 meal swipe by 50 cents and my cashier let it go.

5. Its February and I am eating pineapple

6. I am sitting on a big comfy chair in a room with a fireplace

7. I have incredibly beautiful and supportive people in my life.

Life feels pretty okay right now. And learning about Buddhism has taught me that this feeling of contentment is not permanent, which I am okay with. I am just happy and grateful to be feeling this way right now.

The small things

The weather the past two days has been so freaking lovely! Yesterday I sat outside and ate lunch and just people watched. It was great. It was so nice to be outside for a while; recently I feel like all the time I spend outside is just from walking to class to class. Back when I lived at home, my friends and I would go for walks all the time, plus Maria and I had a 20 minute walk to and from school. I definitely want to try and incorporate more walking into my life. Its such an easy and leisurely way to burn more calories, plus I could really used the serotonin!

Another thing that has been going on in my life; recently I have been feeling like I have no sense of style. I mean sure, I don't dress poorly, but there is nothing particularly lovely about the way that I dress. I am almost always wearing skinny jeans, some sort of basic top and a cute pair of shoes. I don't look baddd, but I want to develop really great style. I just don't know where to begin! Here are some styles I have saved on my computer that I am particularly fond of

1. http://www.selectivepotential.com/

2. I have no idea where I found this picture!

3. http://nicoleloher.tumblr.com/

There are so many others that I love, I just can't find them right now! So this weekend I plan on doing some damage at the mall. But another thing that I have been hating is my hair. I need to learn how to style these lovely locks. That however, I will save for another post! 

Falling off track

Gah, so when I got back to school, I was so incredibly motivated and it was so lovely! I was running constantly, going to work out classes, ontop of my school work annnd making time to hang out with friends. It was such a great feeling to be so in control. Recently however, I have fallen off track a little bit; I am a bit behind in a few of my classes, not as motivated, eating a little less healthy and not putting as much effort into being social.

I have noticed a significant change in the way I feel now as apposed to the way I was feeling when the semester started; clearly I was a lot happier then and I think a lot of it had to do with the way I ate and the fact that I made time for exercise. I therefore decided that me falling off track was something that needed to happen. This is a little reminded of exactly why I need to eat healthy, when some other things taste so much better. This is why I need to get my work done early and not stay up until 2am trying to catch us. This little "derailing" was just an eye-opener to remind me of which lifestyle is more appealing; its almost somewhat motivating to fall off track!

So here I am now; ready to do some homework this weekend, hit the gym and start running again, and then in my spare time, share some laughs with my friends. I couldn't be more excited. Okay, well thats an exaduration; for some reason I am a little scared - I miss Fernando and I miss the comfort of having him (not that that has anything to do with this, but it is a fact) - but I am going to take control and do what I need to do to make myself happy! There are also a few other things I want to post such as tattoo ideas and other sources of inspiration, but I'll save that for later!

Fresh Start

So I am beginning to feel like I am falling back into a bit of a slump again, but I can't allow this to happen. I want so badly to just have a fresh start. I don't even know what that means, but I just have this really strong desire to start with a clean plate, a blank canvas. So I decided tomorrow is going to be my blank canvas. I can do whatever I want with my life starting tomorrow. If I want it to happen, I can make it happen because this is my life and I am in control. If I want to paint my world with bright shades of purples and oranges, I will. 

I cleaned my room, I did my laundry, I shaved, I organized all my stuff, I moisturized my skin and my hair, I cleaned out my e-mails. I am ready for this. Everything is in order for me to do whatever I want. I just feel like I have all of this desire and passion and energy in me, and I want to let it out. My passion used to be channeled into loving Fernando, but we no longer have that, which means I need to find new outlets. Everyday day; no, every second is a new second with which I can do whatever I want. Every second is my blank canvas. I want to get thin, I want to make art and music, I want to fall in love with things other than boys, I want to be filled with incredible burning joy and I want to share that feeling with everyone I meet once I find it. This is my Adventure to find Happiness.