Figuring Some Shit Out.

Wow, I haven't written on here in quite a while. Recently however, I have been doing a lot of thinking (eh, when do I not do a lot of thinking?). I have just been seeing such a direct correlation with events in peoples past, and the person that they are now. I mean, its quite obvious, but I think its something that I just accepted as true and never fully understood until I saw it for myself. I first started realizing it when I pieced together that the reason I am so scared (terrified) of people in masks is because when I was little, my dad used to punish me by wearing a really scary mask. That fear has stuck with me. The next event that made me see it was my friend Faline. She was talking about how when she was younger, her sister dared her to shave off part of her eyebrows. To this day, she is incredibly paranoid about going to get her eyebrows waxed because of the fear of losing her eyebrow again. The third event that made me see it is something that happened to me in 6th grade, and requires a bit of story telling.

Up until High School, I lived in Brooklyn. The way that the schools in New York City work is that you can go to any school in NYC you want to. You just have to apply to the school, and get accepted. This means that every time you go to a new school, you are with lots and lots of new people. So naturally just like all of the other 5th graders in New York, I applied of a few middle schools, and picked which I wanted to go to. I don't remember that much about 6th grade at all, but theres one event that really sticks out to me. In 6th grade, I became friends with a few girls. They created this club called the "Banana Club" (I know, so cool!). And in order to get into the club, you needed to go to the library with them, and sing the banana song. The club was legit - badges and everything! So some how, I was deemed cool enough to be in the club. I had a badge, and I would sometimes hang out with my new friends after school. I felt so lucky to have met such cool new friends. Then one day, they just stopped talking to me. I had no idea why, and I was pretty upset because these were my new friends and I wanted them to like me! One day in class, I wrote one of the girls a note asking if I had done something wrong. I don't remember exactly how the conversation went, I just remember her saying that they didn't want to be friends with me any more, and that I needed to hand in my "badge". I asked if I had done anything wrong to cause them to not want to be my friends anymore, and I am pretty sure her answer was no. Basically, they just decided they didn't like me anymore, and wouldn't even talk to me! In a sense, it was a mild form of bullying. Well, lets just say that I was heart broken. I went home and cried to my mom, and my mom got really upset. And thats pretty much how this story ends. After a while I became friends with all of the girls who didn't like me, and everything was right in the world.

However, going to college has made me learn a few things about myself. I am insanely paranoid that people don't like me. If someone doesn't answer a text message of mine or if someone assumes I am busy and doesn't invite me somewhere, I get so nervous that they actually don't want to be friends with me. I don't care as much with people that I am not friends with, but when it comes to my friends, I get so incredibly scared that they are going to wake up and decide they don't want to be friends with me anymore. And it makes a lot of sense that it would have to do with my experience in 6th grade. The fear also doesn't exist regarding old friends. For example, my best friend Michelle. I know we are best friends, and nothing would cause my to question that friendship. Its just new friendships that I get incredibly paranoid and self conscious over. I feel like this fear holds me back from making new friends. I assume that people won't like me or find me interesting, so I put minimal to no effort in developing new friendships. I leave it all up to the other person.

Another thing is (this is something that I have mentioned on here before), I feel like I still do not have a strong concept of who I am. And I don't want to put all of the blame on these silly little 6th grade girls, but it would make sense that the reason I don't know who I am stems from that event. Because I am so paranoid about people not liking me, I guess I try and seem "likable". But in trying to hard to be someone that other people like, I have completely missed out on figuring out myself and what I like. Well not completely, but some what. I am working on figuring it out little by little.

Well, thats my story. A short history on why I am the way that I am. Hopefully this discovery will help me overcome this problem, and allow me to be more open and therefore develop stronger, new relationships. We'll see.

If this is real life, then somebody will bring me a sweater!

Ugh, so this past weekend was just ridiculous. I am not even going to talk about it in detail here, I am just going to say it was literally unbelievable. I remember texting my friend Megan saying how it was okay, because I was with a really safe group of people, and I stand by that 100%. Everyone was so incredible and nice and not judgmental at all, and we had such a blast. Saturday was dinner and chillin' at Kitty's house, and Sunday was the beach and Surf Taco for lunch.

These pictures are so disgusting, but they hold so many great memories. And I just cannot get over how nice everyone was - listening to all my rants, bringing me a billion glasses of water (John commenting on how Ariel and I are the most hydrated people on the plant) Ryan for finding me something similar to a sweater, and Ariel for not judging my grossness. Ha ha.

This picture is not gross at all. In fact its kind of wonderful. And those two girls are kind of wonderful.

To Live Doesn't Mean You're Alive

I suppose all of my posts on this blog are personal, but this one is a bit more personal. I considered simply writing about it in my journal, but I think this might be something that others could benefit from so well, so I will leave it here for random strangers to come across. Here it is:

This weekend, I had a very scary experience. Basically I felt like life was not real. It felt like everything was simply  projection of my imagination, and it felt like people were not actually people and life was all a sort of dream I guess. But it didn't feel like it was a dream I could wake up from, if that makes sense. It just felt like life was fake, and it had always been fake, yet it was something I could not control. Its kind of difficult to explain. Anyways, that sort of anxiety attack (induced by other things) happened on Saturday, so it has been two days. But since then, I have been thinking about it a lot. There are times I am just sitting around thinking to myself holy shit, what if I was right. But that only happens when I am just sitting around with nothing to do.

The whole thing just made me realize that I need to do more things that make me feel alive. Do you ever just do things that make you feel like man, this is life, and I am alive, and thats a wonderful thing? Today I was painting a notebook, and I got that feeling. My mind was totally clear, yet I was so incredibly focused. And I just felt alive. Another thing that makes me feel quite alive is running. I miss running so much, yet I just cannot bring myself to do it. Hanging out with my friends and laughing is something else that makes me feel quite alive, but I think that makes everyone feel alive! Ha ha.

Anyway, I am taking this weekend as a wake up call. I spend far too much time in these sort of fantasy worlds where everything is great and dandy. I live in this little bubble. But I need to really start interacting with the world around me, and doing more things that give me this feeling of being alive.

Matt and Kim are coming to town!

Seriously going to puke. I just asked Fernando to go with me to this. I hate myself for feeling this way and I hate myself for immediately thinking of him when I saw this, but what are you going to do. I hope he says yes! I hope he at least replies. If he doesn't reply by Thursday maybe I'll call him? Ugh, hes my ex and I should not be doing this to myself, but this is life and sometimes you have to just say fuck it and throw all logical reasoning out the window and just follow your heart. And my heart desperately wants to go to this show with that boy. 

Cruising on the highway with my friends

This past week and a half has been absolutely nuts! I decided to wait until I got home to write about it all, and let me tell you - I am glad to be home. It was incredible and exciting to be a sort of "nomad" for a while, but the bags under my eyes are a testament to the fact that it is also super exhausing. Anyways, heres what I have been up to:

Sunday July 14th - Wednesday July 18th : Atlantic City/Wildwood

My mom is seriously the most impulsive person in the plant and she is awful with planning anything. She just wakes up and decides she wants to go somewhere, and the rest of us must follow. Well on Sunday, I woke up and my mom told me to pack a bag because we were going down the shore. I had a nice time (despite the fact that my mom got on my nerves), I was able to start a super cool plarn project, and I got to work on my tan! (; Oh yeah, and I discovered the deliciousness that is Wawa iced coffee!

July 19th - July 23rd : Firefly Music Festival

On Thursday my friend Faline picked me up and we had a mini roadtrip to Delaware for Firefly Music Festival. The Festival didn't start till Friday, so on Thursday we checked in to our hotel, ordered pizza and layed in bed watching friends. It was super fun. Friday - Sunday we hung out at the festival. I realized that I actually was quite unfamiliar with the line up which was a bit disappointing, but I discovered a few cool bands which was nice! The crowds for the bands were really great, but we also did a lot of lounging in the grass, which was equally as lovely. Two bands I discovered because of Firefly that I am now hooked on are Walk the Moon and GROUPLOVE. Check em out!

July 23rd - July 24th : Alex's Birthday Party/Nursing Orientation

We headed back to Jersey on Monday and I didn't even get a chance to go home! I went straight to Amandas new house in New Brunswick for a birthday party she was throwing for her boyfriend Alex. I seriously had such a good time with Amanda - she's so much fun! I helped her prepare for the party and then her and I joined in the festivities. A lot of drama went down that night, like Amandas friend Nick punching some kid in the face over a Herseys chocolate bar?! Ha ha. Super random. Either way, despite the drama it was a pretty good night. The only downfall was the fact that I didn't fall asleep till past 5:30 am! I then woke up at 7:30am that morning for nursing orientation which I have been soo excited for! We learned about preparation for clinicals junior year, and then we met with advisors to fix our schedules and add nursing classes. Doing that made this whole thing so much more real!

Whats my major you ask? Oh, I am studying Nursing

I woke up at 10am today, and did as I always do first thing in the morning. I checked my e-mail. And guess what was in my e-mail. MY ACCEPTANCE LETTER TO RUTGERS NURSING! Yes, thats right, I am now a nursing student, and I am going to back to Rutgers New Brunswick and I am going to live with Ariel! Wow, I am sososo excited. I honestly think a big part of the reason I got in was because of my essay, which my good friend Faline helped me write. I am so proud of that essay, and I think it eloquently explains the 1 major flaw on my application which was a C+ in Chemistry of Life. Heres my essay incase you, or I want to read it 1,000 times over because of how lovely it is:

     It was during my sophomore year after my grandmother’s heart attack that I decided I wanted to be a nurse. A deep passion to help those who are ill and bring some happiness to them was ignited in me. During my senior year I was informed that I was not amongst those whom Rutgers felt were fit to participate in their nursing program. My mom droned on about what an awful idea it would be to go to Rutgers since I did not get accepted into the program, and how I should go to Felician or another school where I would be accepted straight into the program. However, I knew Rutgers was the only place I would truly be happy I decided to take a risk and go to Rutgers anyway.

     My freshman year was such an incredible experience. I took so many new and interesting courses. I learned about the science of society in sociology, about different cultures in anthropology, and about not giving up as I suffered through Chemistry of Life. All of the classes that I took were absolutely fascinating; and as the weeks went on, I grew more interested in the subjects I was learning. There are so many unfair things that go on in this world that I had previously been completely unaware of. However, despite the passion that I developed in every one of the classes I took freshman year, that passion has been nothing compared to the passion I feel in regards to becoming a nurse. My poor friends must listen to me day after day as I fret over whether or not my C+ in Chemistry will affect my chances, and how I should plan my schedule for the fall semester in case I don’t get accepted into the nursing program. So that is the reason I am hoping to transfer schools: because I feel more passionate about becoming a nurse that I have ever felt about anything in my life. It's been almost five years since I realized I want to be a nurse. And five years, two semesters, one C+ later, I still want to, just as bad - if not more.

Partying in the USA

The past three days have seriously been so incredible, and I feel so grateful to be fortunate enough to have such good experiences! My three-days-of-fun started off on Tuesday. I took the train into New Brunswick where Faline picked me up. We picked up Ariel, drove to Faline's, ate Wawa sandwiches, watched United States of Tara, enjoyed a few cocktails and had a sleepover. On Wednesday we woke up and headed over to out friend Kitty's house for her 4th of July BBQ. It was so incredible to see everyone from school! We played a bunch of games, went slipping and sliding, had lots of conversations, drank way too much, ate lots of food, and stayed up way too late. It was seriously the perfect 4th of July. Then on Thursday (today) we all magically woke up at 6:30 a.fucking.m. after going to be at like 2 or 3 or maybe it was 4? Either way, we woke up way too early. We ate some breakfast and then headed to the beach. The water was lovely and the company was lovely and the sun was just, well, lovely! After the beach, we headed to this ice cream shop that our friend John recommended, and thats how we ended our three-days-of fun. It was such a great three days and I am sososo happy. Since I was so busy having a good time, I didn't really take any pictures. Often, I feel like its more important to enjoy the experience than try and capture it. But here are the few pictures I did take:

Yesterday I realized something so incredibly important. It just came to me, and it clicked. I might even go as far as to say I had a life changing revelation. I realized that every time I was upset or stressed or not feeling happy, I would go to Fernando to make me feel better and it would never work so I would get frustrated with him. And then yesterday it just hit me - its not Fernando who is supposed to make me happy (which is why it never worked out); I need to learn how to make myself happy. If I am having a rough day, I can't go to someone else with my problems and expect them to suddenly make things better; I need to figure out on my own how I can make things better. Only Jessica can make Jessica truly happy - Fernando can't do that, and neither can anyone else. Gosh, it was such a good feeling to finally see things clearly. And I have to say, I have been feeling pretty good. Obviously its a day by day thing and perhaps today or tomorrow won't be that good, but I am learning how to equip myself with the proper tools to make those rough days better.

On another note, I have been running consistently, and I looove it!

(when I took ^that picture I though it was incredibly clever, but I realized I am not that fond of it)

Running is seriously the ultimate cure to everything. My day is immediately better after a run. Everytime I run, I think of all the reasons why I run, and my reasoning is never ever "as a work out". Instead I always have these really intense reasons like "I run to survive" or "I run so that I don't feel anxious". Its really incredible! 

(I also hate this picture, but Faline looks so funny!)

Things at school have been pretty lovely too. I am making more of an effort to be social and make plans, and I am really happy with the way this semester is turning out so far! (*knock on wood*)

Alsoooo, I registered for the Rutger's half todaay! I am so incredibly excited/nervous. This means I actually have to go through with this. I also want to register for a few other races, like a TRIATHALON! I am going swimming with Max on sunday, so if it goes well, I am going to register! (: