The Life I Want to Live

A lot of the time, I feel like there are things I want to change about myself. I mean, overall, I am happy with myself as a person, but I know there are a lot of things I could improve upon. On March 10, 2012, I made a list called The Life I Want To Live. Every time I look back on this list, I get so inspired. This list completely encompasses the person I would like to be. Here it is:

1. I want to be really fucking happy all on my own, and when I am unhappy, I want to recognize that it is okay and normal to feel that way.
2. I want to take good care of my body. I want to put really good things into my body, and I want to sweat out all of the toxins in my body and I want to make my body lean and strong.
3. I want to be more mindful. There are so many ways I want to so this. I want to be more mindful of my thoughts, my actions, my words, my time etc.
4. I want to wake up early. I love mornings.
5. I want to meditate, every morning.

6. I want to take more risks.
7. I want to be more honest and straight forward.
8. I want to have a fresh fashion sense and I want to always be well dressed.
9. I want to give back more.
10. I really want to find pleasure in the simplest of things and never take a single moment or person or possession for granted.
11. I want to dedicated my time to getting really fucking good at something.
12. I want to be more passionate about things and be really well informed and have strong opinions.
13. I want to be more organized and on top of my shit.

I am curently working on getting up earlier (although today I slept through my 8am alarm clock and woke up at 9:30), and I am planning on adding meditation to that morning routine. Also, I have definitely become a lot more organized. There are still a few parts of my life that need organizing, like the pictures on my computer and a few stray papers for classes. However for the most part, my life is way more organized than it used to be. I supposed I will just have to work on these things one at a time. These changes aren't going to happen over night.

Also, I know that picture is randomly put in there, but I feel like this picture sums up the person I want to be. Thats my beautiful friend Max, relaxing after a long hike (I was there too; I took the picture), enjoying the simple things, taking risks, looking lovely ...

Don't take me tounge tied

• Sometimes my smile comes out a little bit crooked. But I think its really cute. Gotta love little flaws like that. They're what makes us human.
• I was planning on waking up at 8am today, so that I could get an early start to my day - I didn't get up till 11:30.
• I am starting to really like wearing bandana head bands. I just did this because my hair was being a bitch today, but it is too short to completely put up. 
• I have a lot of homework to do today, and its kinda making me a little bit stressed.
• (It feels like) All of my friends at school have boys in their lives. This makes me feel like I want a boy, but I am actually incredibly happy being a single lady.
• This blog post was inspired by Maggie at Lifesize Paperdoll . I love her blog. 
• I can't wait to go home this coming weekend and see my little broski!
• I am obsessed with checking my e-mail.
• On November 7th, it will be ONE YEAR since I deleted my facebook!
• 94% of the time I am awful with words. I stumble and trip over them, and I end up finishing my sentences with "you know what I am trying to say". Its totally fine when it happens with my friends and people that know me well, but not so fine when it happens with strangers or people that I am just getting to know.

I hope you're having a wonderful Sunday. Any randomness you'd like to share with me? 

Some random thoughts I have been having

I am doing this as procrastination for packing for Delaware

1. I saw this blog post, and I realized - who cares if I have a belly and jiggily arms and thighs?! All that matters is that I am staying active and, I am eating really nutritious foods. As long as I am healthy - I really shouldn't give a shit about my imperfections because no matter how hard I try, those are not going to go away! My health is whats important and I shouldn't be trying to work out so that I look good for silly boys or for anyone else. I am going to embrace my body. I always tell myself "I'll dress the way I want when I lose some weight". Well guess what. I have been around this weight (give or take a few pounds) since middle school. So I am done waiting. I am going to dress how I want and learn to love the way I look as I am. That being said, I am not going to use this as an excuse to gorge on junkfood and sit on my ass all day. I definitely still want to focus on my health, however I also what to focus on loving myself just as I am.

2. I want to run a FULL marathon, yo.

3. Nestle crackers are soooo yummy.

4. I am just adding nonsense to this list to prolong this procrastination. The real reason for this post was just #1. I though I had more things to say, but apparently I am not that thoughtful today.

5. Its really annoying how my mom literally fucking adores my brother, and she thinks that giving me $100 to go to Delaware is a sufficient replacement for the love that I do not receive. I know that sounds super dramatic because I know my mom loves me, but she's just like ridiculously in love with my brother and gives him all this attention/affection, and then tries to give me $100 because she feels bad that she gives my brother so much. Thanks bro, but you can keep your money. I've got a job and I can pay for my own shit.

6. #5 made me feel like shit, so this list is officially ovaa.

Not So Happy Things

Like I said a while ago, it is so hard for me to maintain a balance on my blogs. Either my blogs end up becoming really negative places that I use simply for venting, or they become these superficially happy places where I don't express my true emotions. Well, since this blog is about me and my happiness, I feel its important to write about the bad stuff too - if we didn't know what it was like to feel like crap, we'd have no understanding of happiness. So yeah, here it is; the not so happy things that I am feeling:

1. I am feeling sooo frustrated with Rutgers. I applied to the nursing program in March. When I applied, the school told me that by the end of June I would have an answer as to whether or not I was accepted. I felt that this would give me a reasonable amount of time to figure out an alternative plan if I didn't get in. Well here we are, on July 6th, and according to the Rutgers transfer website, "no decision has been made". I am just getting so annoyed because all through June I told myself "this isn't so bad, the longest I'll have to wait is X amount of days", because to my understanding there was a deadline I would know by. Well those days have run out, and I still don't know. And its just really really starting to annoy me!

2. At the party I mentioned in my last post, there was this boy (ha ha, me and boys!). I've known him for a while from school and I always thought he was cute, but whatevzzzz. I think lots of people are cute. Well yeah, then at the party we started talking and uggh. Then I started to find him really cute. We went into the basement and drank together (we took a shot of beer because thats all we could find, which I think is really funny), we hung out in the grass together, when I was sitting in this rocky chair he stood behind me and was rocking the chair for me. Ha ha, obviously none of it was a big deal at all. It was just really little things that slowly made me start to feel more attracted to him. Well theeeeen, our other friend kicked everyone out of the basement, and left this boy and another girl in the basement together. Some how everyone wound up re-entering the basement, so said boy and girl left the basement and hooked up on the grass. I know its silly, but it was kind of disappointing. I didn't even want to do anything with him, but it still kinda bothered me. And then the next day he was apart of the group that went to the beach and he looked so tan and his arms looked so muscular. Oh gosh, I get so carried away when I find people attractive. Ha ha. 

3. Fernando freaking Azpiri! My goodness. I really feel that I am pretty much over him. I mean I still have lonely days where I miss him, but for the most part I am in a really good place right now. And its lame because now that I am in this good place, it'd be nice if him and I could be friends. I sent him a text message of a picture that I came across that reminded me of him. Did he answer? No. Does he ever answer? No. And before when I wasn't over him, I would have been really upset and hurt by this. But now I just think hes being stupid. Seriously, c'mon bro, its just a text. Its not a request to shove my tounge down your throat - I think you can respond. 

So yeah, thats about it. I mean if this is what my worries consist of, I think I can confidently say my life is pretty good. But I still think its important to recognize negative emotions and be able to express them. Ya dig? Anything you need to get off your chest? 

My Last Day Being 18

Today is my last day as an eighteen year old! I decided in honor of this, I'd make a bucketlist of things I'd like to acomplish when I am 19!

1. Run 3x a week, and keep a log of my runs and milage. 

2. Eat healthier, but also recognize that moderation is lovely.

3. Learn Spanish

4. Master at least 5 songs on piano and guitar

5. Finally get a 6 pack!

6. Kiss a boy (a silly thing to put on a bucketlist, but being boyfriendless, ya never know! But I'd like atleast one kiss, if not many, while I am 19!)

7. Meditate every single day

8. Read every single book on my list of books I currently want to read (Fight Club, Alice in Wonderland, Through the Looking Glass, Catcher in the Rye, Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, Faline's Article, A Thousand Splendid Suns, The Book Thief , Finish Harry Potter, Sand and Fog, Peter Pan, American Gods, Neverwhere , Coraline, Pride and Prejudice , The Lemon Tree, Never Let Me Go, Slumdog Millionaire, A Clockwork Orange, Everything is Illuminated)

9. Get another tattoo

10. Run a triathalon

11. Volunteer for a soup kitchen or at a hospital

12. Go camping

13. Do something really outrageous 

This is all I can think of for not; I am in a bit of a rush. But I am pretty happy with the list so far. I want to add a few outrageous things to this list too though!

Things that I need to Start Doing Again:

1. Running regularly; none of this crap where I say I am gonna run and then don't actually do it

2. Meditating

3. Paying really particular attention to what I put in my body, all the time, not just when I am eating alone

4. Reading for fun!

5. Playing the piano

Productivity

Here is a list of all the things I am going to get done today. Looking at lists like this makes me really happy, and makes me feel pretty freaking good about myself. 

1. Study chapters 5 & 6 of Chemistry

2. Do the homework for chapters 5 & 6 of Chemistry

3. Run 6 miles

(^these things will be done before 6pm) Edit: NOT HAPPENING! But they're still gonna get done!

4. Finish my Lit Review for Research in the disciplines 

5. Perhaps if I can handel a bit more Chem, review Chapters 1 & 2

Yay! I love being productive. And I am sorta dreading my 6 mile run today, but I know as soon as I step out of my house, I am going to feel so good about it. So yeah, thats whats gonna happen (: