I missed my clinical today. And I feel so awful about it. But I am just trying to remind myself to look at the big picture. In three years when I am working at a hospital saving lives or consoling a patient, one missed clinical will mean nothing. It will be a funny story that I can tell my coworkers. It will be just one more struggle that helped me to realize how much I want this. This morning I thought of all the horrible things that could happen from missing this clinical - Failing this course. Being a whole year behind. Getting kicked out of nursing. I doubt (and really hope not!) that any of those things will happen. And I just have to take this as a little wake up call. I have been pretty exhausted - staying at the library until midnight and later a few times a week, plus working and having hardly any time for friends. But all of these sacrifices will get me to where I want to be. And I know this is where I want to be. I just have to keep working for it, and keep my eyes set on the big picture. All of these short term struggles are just to ween out the people who don't really want this and aren't willing to work for it. I have made it this far, and there is no way I am stopping now. I am half way through this semester. I just have to keep on pushing. Keep on working my ass off. And maintain a good attitude. So what if my GPA is only a 3.3 when some friends have 3.7 and higher? Its just a number. And it doesn't mean they want it more than me. Maybe they're just better at studying or better test takers or have a better memory. The fact that this is a struggle for me, and yet I have made it so far is really amazing, and not something a lot of people can say they did. This is something I am actually really fighting for. Every day. Every time I go to the library instead of hanging out with my friends or going to a party or going home - I am fighting for this.
Okay. This post was really intense and dramatic. But I needed a little pep talk after such a bummer morning. Now, off to the library. I want to get a B on this pharm exam so badly!
**UPDATE** - I actually DID get a B on that pharm exam, so take that!
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Feels & things and honesty
Hello world. I am at work right now. My work basically just consists of me sitting at a computer, writing down how many people are in the lab, and helping people print. Its a pretty sweet deal. Usually I end up getting a lot of homework done at work, but today theres not much for me to do. I can't even believe that is a thing I am saying, because I feel like I have been crazy busy since the semester started. Well, there are things I could be doing so that I am not crazy busy next week, but they can wait a few more minutes.
So, its junior freaking year man! How crazy is that? I've always felt like my 3rd year in a place ends up being my best year. I felt that way after 3 years of middle school, 3 years of high school and now 3 years of college. I don't know what it is. It just feels like it takes 3 years for me to get really comfortable with my surroundings and my people. That being said, Junior year of college has been pretty sweet so far! I am not even going to go into all of the details of why things are so sweet, I'll just keep it brief. I am pretty happy in my house, pretty happy in my clinical, and pretty happy with how I have been spending my time.
Anyways, I more started writing this post for the same reason I start writing most posts on this blog. Just to sort out some feelings on a certain subject. Today, that certain subject is a boy. And writing about this makes me feel dumb, because in my last post I wrote about a boy that I thought I liked. And then I got to know that boy, and I realized there was no way we could ever work out. So this is a new boy. And its just so weird how in that moment of writing that post, I had such strong feelings. And now, a little more than a month later, I am so over it.
I guess thats kind of what I need to sort? Just the fact that its weird that we can sometimes feel so invested in another person, and yet those feelings can be so temporary. With the boy I mentioned in my previous post, it just took one night of drinking for me to really see his true colors and decide that he was not for me. And so now with this new human that I have feels for, I am being soso cautious. I also think its a lot easier for me to allow myself to get invested in someone who is invested somewhere else. And so since the feels with this current boy are mutual, its taking a lot more for me to let me guard down. But ya know, we only me <2 weeks ago, so theres really no rush. I am just taking things one day at a time. And so far, I have been happy with how the days have been.
Ugh. This is my blog. I don't know why I feel the need to be so vague on it. Its really weird to really look at yourself. These days I am feeling really content and overall happy, but I am wondering if its genuine, or if I have just put up these crazy walls, so that I will never feel any true emotion. No sadness, no pure bliss. Just forever content. I just have these irrational fears that if I talk about things using specifics, other people will hear about it. And if I talk about things too much, I'll jinx the way that things are going. But that is dumb.
Okay. Here we go. Specifics. There is this boy named Jon. We met at the computer lab, and he walked me home. We exchanged numbers, and texted. The next day, he walked me home from the library and we wound up chilling at my house and going to a party. A fewww days later, he met me at the library and helped me study for my pharm exam. Two days after my pharm exam, we took the train to Princeton, ate some food, walked around, and explored the Princeton campus. It was night, and everything looked so magical because of how it was lit. It was pretty lovely. So, we wandered into this garden, and since it was really dark, it took us some time, but we found a bench. We sat on the bench for a while, straight chillin and I talked about my grandma, and my tattoo idea for her. Somehwere during the conversation, Jons hand wandered onto my leg and I held his hand. After a while of sitting and chatting, Jon asked if we could leave soon, since it was getting late. And I said yes, but that there was just something I wanted to see before we left. So he said okay. But then he kissed me. And it was such an awkward kiss, as most first kisses are. We just couldn't find eachothers lips and it was just really funny but also pretty uncomfortable to think back on. But thats how I have pretty much felt about every first kiss with a person, so its not like I am disappointed. And I am not sure if I made this kiss last longer than it should have? Who the heck knows. The point is, we kissed. And I have not kissed a human in a very long time. So it was kind of a big deal. But I have spent the last 4 days trying to talk the entire event down to myself. And I don't know why.
Basically, I just feel like whenever Jon gets brought up in conversations amongst my friends, something negative gets said about him. Maybe it is me being overly sensitive and weird since this is my first thing with a boy in a pretty long time. But Ryan and Jordan both agreed that he is "simple" and "plain" (which honestly, is there anything really that wrong with being a simple person? Its not like because hes "simple" hes boring). Ariel mentioned that when she felt him, he looked like he was younger than us. Which is not specifically negative, but still makes me feel weird. On a separate occasion, Ryan described him as "insistant" or something to that effect, because he happened to be looking at someones facebook page in the lab, and a mutual friend commented on it. Ugh. I don't know. None of these comments are really that bad. So why are they making me feel so weird? I just have such a hard time letting myself like people. And I feel like I am letting all of these comments just make it even harder. When I could actually like this person? I mean, I don't know if I could actually like this person since I have only known him for a week and a half. But I would like to get to know him more, and give him a fair chance without everyone elses dumb comments clouding how I actually feel.
So yeah. Those are all of the specifics of life that I needed to talk about. I am just going to keep going with the flow, and see where the flow takes me. But for now, I am not getting too excited about this (I probably couldn't even if I wanted to because of dem walls I was mentioning earlier). So yeah, hopefully I'll get over this, and figure out how I am really feeling.
So, its junior freaking year man! How crazy is that? I've always felt like my 3rd year in a place ends up being my best year. I felt that way after 3 years of middle school, 3 years of high school and now 3 years of college. I don't know what it is. It just feels like it takes 3 years for me to get really comfortable with my surroundings and my people. That being said, Junior year of college has been pretty sweet so far! I am not even going to go into all of the details of why things are so sweet, I'll just keep it brief. I am pretty happy in my house, pretty happy in my clinical, and pretty happy with how I have been spending my time.
Anyways, I more started writing this post for the same reason I start writing most posts on this blog. Just to sort out some feelings on a certain subject. Today, that certain subject is a boy. And writing about this makes me feel dumb, because in my last post I wrote about a boy that I thought I liked. And then I got to know that boy, and I realized there was no way we could ever work out. So this is a new boy. And its just so weird how in that moment of writing that post, I had such strong feelings. And now, a little more than a month later, I am so over it.
I guess thats kind of what I need to sort? Just the fact that its weird that we can sometimes feel so invested in another person, and yet those feelings can be so temporary. With the boy I mentioned in my previous post, it just took one night of drinking for me to really see his true colors and decide that he was not for me. And so now with this new human that I have feels for, I am being soso cautious. I also think its a lot easier for me to allow myself to get invested in someone who is invested somewhere else. And so since the feels with this current boy are mutual, its taking a lot more for me to let me guard down. But ya know, we only me <2 weeks ago, so theres really no rush. I am just taking things one day at a time. And so far, I have been happy with how the days have been.
Ugh. This is my blog. I don't know why I feel the need to be so vague on it. Its really weird to really look at yourself. These days I am feeling really content and overall happy, but I am wondering if its genuine, or if I have just put up these crazy walls, so that I will never feel any true emotion. No sadness, no pure bliss. Just forever content. I just have these irrational fears that if I talk about things using specifics, other people will hear about it. And if I talk about things too much, I'll jinx the way that things are going. But that is dumb.
Okay. Here we go. Specifics. There is this boy named Jon. We met at the computer lab, and he walked me home. We exchanged numbers, and texted. The next day, he walked me home from the library and we wound up chilling at my house and going to a party. A fewww days later, he met me at the library and helped me study for my pharm exam. Two days after my pharm exam, we took the train to Princeton, ate some food, walked around, and explored the Princeton campus. It was night, and everything looked so magical because of how it was lit. It was pretty lovely. So, we wandered into this garden, and since it was really dark, it took us some time, but we found a bench. We sat on the bench for a while, straight chillin and I talked about my grandma, and my tattoo idea for her. Somehwere during the conversation, Jons hand wandered onto my leg and I held his hand. After a while of sitting and chatting, Jon asked if we could leave soon, since it was getting late. And I said yes, but that there was just something I wanted to see before we left. So he said okay. But then he kissed me. And it was such an awkward kiss, as most first kisses are. We just couldn't find eachothers lips and it was just really funny but also pretty uncomfortable to think back on. But thats how I have pretty much felt about every first kiss with a person, so its not like I am disappointed. And I am not sure if I made this kiss last longer than it should have? Who the heck knows. The point is, we kissed. And I have not kissed a human in a very long time. So it was kind of a big deal. But I have spent the last 4 days trying to talk the entire event down to myself. And I don't know why.
Basically, I just feel like whenever Jon gets brought up in conversations amongst my friends, something negative gets said about him. Maybe it is me being overly sensitive and weird since this is my first thing with a boy in a pretty long time. But Ryan and Jordan both agreed that he is "simple" and "plain" (which honestly, is there anything really that wrong with being a simple person? Its not like because hes "simple" hes boring). Ariel mentioned that when she felt him, he looked like he was younger than us. Which is not specifically negative, but still makes me feel weird. On a separate occasion, Ryan described him as "insistant" or something to that effect, because he happened to be looking at someones facebook page in the lab, and a mutual friend commented on it. Ugh. I don't know. None of these comments are really that bad. So why are they making me feel so weird? I just have such a hard time letting myself like people. And I feel like I am letting all of these comments just make it even harder. When I could actually like this person? I mean, I don't know if I could actually like this person since I have only known him for a week and a half. But I would like to get to know him more, and give him a fair chance without everyone elses dumb comments clouding how I actually feel.
So yeah. Those are all of the specifics of life that I needed to talk about. I am just going to keep going with the flow, and see where the flow takes me. But for now, I am not getting too excited about this (I probably couldn't even if I wanted to because of dem walls I was mentioning earlier). So yeah, hopefully I'll get over this, and figure out how I am really feeling.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
To my friend the internet,
Dear internet world,
There are just some thoughts floating around in my brain that I would like to get out into the universe. So yeah, thats what this is. And of course, they will be in list formation.
1) I have noticed something about myself. A lot of times, I don't like I have much to say in big groups of people. I really enjoy just sitting back and listening to what everyone else is talking about. But if its a small group, then I am much more willing to participate in the conversation. At first I felt weird about this; I wished that I was more talkative with lots of people. But I've come to accept it. Its just apart of who I am. And theres really nothing wrong with it.
2) I reaaaaally want to make things right with my mom. Its just sososo freaking hard. I have been much better about maintaining my cool when she pisses me off. But I hate this weird abrupt relationship we have developed. I don't think we'll ever be really close again, but I want to call her and not have our conversations be strictly business. Its definitely something I have to work on. I guess I sometimes say things to her that can cause confrontation, so I have to really think about what I am staying with her. Which is fine since we have been talking less anyways.
3) These words feel really weird to put out into the universe. And whenever I put words like this out there, I get really nervous that I am going to jinx it. Which is why I tend to keep shit like this inside of me for as long as possible. And this time especially - this shit feels pretty special. But then again - shit always initially feels special. And then when that special thing doesn't work out, I convince myself that it wasn't special at all. (This is so vague, but vagueness feels less risky). Anyways, this special thing just has a little string tying it to another place. But its the kind of string thats so fragile. Like the kind that they use to sew the seams of t-shirts. And once you pull on it, it starts to unravel. But I won't do the pulling. In fact, I am supporting the keeping-together of this special t-shirt and thread. I am like the tag on the shirt, trying to get that shit sold. I am like the friend who really wants the shirt, but lets a different friend buy it even though I kind of think the shirt is really special. One day I think I'd like to purchase this shirt. But for now, I am pretty content with letting someone enjoy it. Also, why does this fucking shit always happen to me? Is it that I always want to purchase t-shirts that are not for sale, or is it that all of the good t-shirts have already been bought?! I don't know man. But it sucks. Cause I really don't like any of my shirts.
^Man, that was so weird. But I literally sighed after getting all that shit off my chest.
4) I have this thing in my head - I hate the fact that boys treat girls so differently. I want to be treated equal. For example, let me try and pull the freaking canoe onto shore. And then if I can't do it, assist me. But don't just assume that because I am a lady, I can't do it. Then theres this other part of me that wonders if maybe me wanting to be so equal to boys is the reason I don't have a boy of my own. Ya know? There has to be some sort of boundary to maintain sexual interest and the such. Because if I was just one of the guys, no guy would ever see me in that way. Ya know? So I don't know how to deal with this. Whenever these thoughts come into my head, I always feel like I want to act the same, and just dress like more of a lady. But then I try and wear lipstick to 6 flags and my lips start to peel and I start to get really frustrated. I don't know. I guess I am still trying to figure myself out. But I am working on it. And I am definitely content with the person I am becoming. Like I said, I just want to have that lady-side to me. And not walk with a special shirt and accidentally fart and then announce "oops. I just farted". Yup. Thats a thing that happened. Because I am gross. And don't act like a lady. Haha.
Internet, these are all of the thoughts I have for you today. Thanks for being so awesome and patient with my weird way of expressing things.
There are just some thoughts floating around in my brain that I would like to get out into the universe. So yeah, thats what this is. And of course, they will be in list formation.
1) I have noticed something about myself. A lot of times, I don't like I have much to say in big groups of people. I really enjoy just sitting back and listening to what everyone else is talking about. But if its a small group, then I am much more willing to participate in the conversation. At first I felt weird about this; I wished that I was more talkative with lots of people. But I've come to accept it. Its just apart of who I am. And theres really nothing wrong with it.
2) I reaaaaally want to make things right with my mom. Its just sososo freaking hard. I have been much better about maintaining my cool when she pisses me off. But I hate this weird abrupt relationship we have developed. I don't think we'll ever be really close again, but I want to call her and not have our conversations be strictly business. Its definitely something I have to work on. I guess I sometimes say things to her that can cause confrontation, so I have to really think about what I am staying with her. Which is fine since we have been talking less anyways.
3) These words feel really weird to put out into the universe. And whenever I put words like this out there, I get really nervous that I am going to jinx it. Which is why I tend to keep shit like this inside of me for as long as possible. And this time especially - this shit feels pretty special. But then again - shit always initially feels special. And then when that special thing doesn't work out, I convince myself that it wasn't special at all. (This is so vague, but vagueness feels less risky). Anyways, this special thing just has a little string tying it to another place. But its the kind of string thats so fragile. Like the kind that they use to sew the seams of t-shirts. And once you pull on it, it starts to unravel. But I won't do the pulling. In fact, I am supporting the keeping-together of this special t-shirt and thread. I am like the tag on the shirt, trying to get that shit sold. I am like the friend who really wants the shirt, but lets a different friend buy it even though I kind of think the shirt is really special. One day I think I'd like to purchase this shirt. But for now, I am pretty content with letting someone enjoy it. Also, why does this fucking shit always happen to me? Is it that I always want to purchase t-shirts that are not for sale, or is it that all of the good t-shirts have already been bought?! I don't know man. But it sucks. Cause I really don't like any of my shirts.
^Man, that was so weird. But I literally sighed after getting all that shit off my chest.
4) I have this thing in my head - I hate the fact that boys treat girls so differently. I want to be treated equal. For example, let me try and pull the freaking canoe onto shore. And then if I can't do it, assist me. But don't just assume that because I am a lady, I can't do it. Then theres this other part of me that wonders if maybe me wanting to be so equal to boys is the reason I don't have a boy of my own. Ya know? There has to be some sort of boundary to maintain sexual interest and the such. Because if I was just one of the guys, no guy would ever see me in that way. Ya know? So I don't know how to deal with this. Whenever these thoughts come into my head, I always feel like I want to act the same, and just dress like more of a lady. But then I try and wear lipstick to 6 flags and my lips start to peel and I start to get really frustrated. I don't know. I guess I am still trying to figure myself out. But I am working on it. And I am definitely content with the person I am becoming. Like I said, I just want to have that lady-side to me. And not walk with a special shirt and accidentally fart and then announce "oops. I just farted". Yup. Thats a thing that happened. Because I am gross. And don't act like a lady. Haha.
Internet, these are all of the thoughts I have for you today. Thanks for being so awesome and patient with my weird way of expressing things.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Things to look forward to
Sometimes I just need little lists like this to keep me going. As a nursing student, I have to make a lot of sacrifices in order to stay on track with classes. This summer, that meant taking two summer classes so that I can start my clinicals in the fall. Its so easy to get discouraged when my friends invite me over to play uno, and I have to say no because I am busy studying alterations of the cardiovascular system. Luckily, the cardiovascular system is my favorite. But still, it sucks alot sometimes. So, here are some exciting things that are keeping my spirits up.
1) This weekend - going to get lunch with my lovely friend Michelle tomorrow, and going to see the beautiful Ben Howard on Monday
2) Pathophysiology is over in a little more than three weeks. Then I will have about two weeks of pure summer bliss. I have to start planning now, because I really want to make the absolute most of those two weeks
3) Living in New Brunswick in the fall, riding my bike around campus, the rock gym being open again, starting clinicals, and working at the computer lab. And hopefully meeting a cute boy doing one of the above?
4) Learning more about cooking. I find cooking so relaxing and satisfying. Its a little time consuming and I hate washing dishes. But I like putting time and effort into making something that is delicious, something that I get to enjoy and something that is good for me. My family eats out a lot, and its really hard to have healthy, balanced meals when you are eating out.
5) Night time runs in the fall. I wish I could be a morning runner, I really do. It would be so nice to run in the morning and spend the rest of the day knowing that I started my day off right. But I just can't do it. I like leisurely, easy going mornings that involve long breakfasts, lots of time in PJs, and a heartbeat of ~60BPM. Even though I'd love to get my runs done early, running at night is amazing. The streets are empty, the air is nice and crisp, it is a relaxing way to wind down a long day. It just feels right.
This is from todays run. Its weird, shitty, cellphone quality, but its all good. I always feel so lovely, and so pretty when I complete a run.
1) This weekend - going to get lunch with my lovely friend Michelle tomorrow, and going to see the beautiful Ben Howard on Monday
2) Pathophysiology is over in a little more than three weeks. Then I will have about two weeks of pure summer bliss. I have to start planning now, because I really want to make the absolute most of those two weeks
3) Living in New Brunswick in the fall, riding my bike around campus, the rock gym being open again, starting clinicals, and working at the computer lab. And hopefully meeting a cute boy doing one of the above?
4) Learning more about cooking. I find cooking so relaxing and satisfying. Its a little time consuming and I hate washing dishes. But I like putting time and effort into making something that is delicious, something that I get to enjoy and something that is good for me. My family eats out a lot, and its really hard to have healthy, balanced meals when you are eating out.
5) Night time runs in the fall. I wish I could be a morning runner, I really do. It would be so nice to run in the morning and spend the rest of the day knowing that I started my day off right. But I just can't do it. I like leisurely, easy going mornings that involve long breakfasts, lots of time in PJs, and a heartbeat of ~60BPM. Even though I'd love to get my runs done early, running at night is amazing. The streets are empty, the air is nice and crisp, it is a relaxing way to wind down a long day. It just feels right.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Food and other inspirations.
A while ago I wrote a post, mostly for myself, called How to Avoid Funks (or something like that). While writing it, I kind of felt like an asshole, because I didn't want it to come off like I had figured out the secret to happiness and was bragging about it. It was just a personal post that I could come back to incase I ever fell into a funky place. And here I am now - definitely in a very funky spot. I wont go into the details of my funk, but lets just say that on a scale of 1 to 10, I have zero motivation to do anything. That even includes showers! Its just very weird. So I went back and read that short self help post I created. And it really did inspire me. Its weird, because I can read post from other bloggers on how to get out of funks, and while they will inspire me, they create that sort of very temporary bubble of inspiration in my chest and thats about it. But to know that I was in such a good place and I wrote a post on how to get there - its totally different. It makes me REALLY want to get back to that place. So thats really awesome, and something that I definitely plan to work on.
On a different note, my friends and I have been doing a lot of cooking lately since we all have our own places with kitchens and everything. Its really amazing, and also kind of scary. It really makes me feel like a grown up. Its funny how we rush growing up so much, but once we finally get there, it scares the shit out of us. Or maybe its just me. Anyway, heres some photos of the delicious homemade meals we have been making.
We also had a dinner party a few nights ago. Everyone got dressed up, and a few of us cooked. It was a freaking 4 course meal! Deviled Eggs for orderves, Caprese salad for appetizer, Vegeterian Pot Pie and Seafood Pasta salad for dinner, and Strawberry Shortcakes for dessert. It was so delicious, and it was all homemade - mostly by me and my friend Kitty. It was just so satisfying to talk about the menu for a few days, go grocery shopping, cook, and then see it all come together. And everyone actually got dressed up and looked so spiffy! I'll have more pictures from that later.
On a different note, my friends and I have been doing a lot of cooking lately since we all have our own places with kitchens and everything. Its really amazing, and also kind of scary. It really makes me feel like a grown up. Its funny how we rush growing up so much, but once we finally get there, it scares the shit out of us. Or maybe its just me. Anyway, heres some photos of the delicious homemade meals we have been making.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
MICHELLE, this is for you!
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Butts.
I was just talking to a friend about how I accidentally to a really long break from blogging. School basically just took over my life. But now I have a few weeks to breath before finals swallow me whole, so here I am. I turned twenty exactly one week ago! It was a pretty lame birthday, but lets not get into that. Tonight I am going to attempt to catch a glimpse of the Aurora Borialis. I am pretty excited. Its something Fernando and I always used to talk about seeing together, so its weird that seeing it with him is not even an option. But whatever. I am seeing it with other really lovely people who are permanent additions to my life. So that makes it even more special; rather than seeing it with some fleeting boy.
Speaking of boys, I have been really bitter about relationships lately. I guess its me secretly wanting to be in one? I don't know. Its odd. I just really have not found someone that I like. So yeah. Theres that. It will happen one day though. And it will be really special since I have waited so long for it. Sometimes I think about it though, and I get worried that I will just end up being alone. Theres so much I want to do - so many places I want to live and changes I want to make in the world. I can imagine making all of that happen if I have another person in my life to consider Perhaps I will just have to find someone who wants to make all the same changes. That would be lovely.
Speaking of changes, I think I decided I want to be a cardiac nurse. Heart disease is the biggest killer in the United States. So if I am a cardiac nurse, I will be able to save so many lives. I feel like I would be able to affect the greatest number of people that way. But we'll see. Its sounding pretty perfect right now.
Also, here is a picture of butts from when me, Max, Megan and Brian did the no pants subway ride over winter break. It was really ridiculously funny!
Speaking of boys, I have been really bitter about relationships lately. I guess its me secretly wanting to be in one? I don't know. Its odd. I just really have not found someone that I like. So yeah. Theres that. It will happen one day though. And it will be really special since I have waited so long for it. Sometimes I think about it though, and I get worried that I will just end up being alone. Theres so much I want to do - so many places I want to live and changes I want to make in the world. I can imagine making all of that happen if I have another person in my life to consider Perhaps I will just have to find someone who wants to make all the same changes. That would be lovely.
Speaking of changes, I think I decided I want to be a cardiac nurse. Heart disease is the biggest killer in the United States. So if I am a cardiac nurse, I will be able to save so many lives. I feel like I would be able to affect the greatest number of people that way. But we'll see. Its sounding pretty perfect right now.
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