To my friend the internet,

Dear internet world,

There are just some thoughts floating around in my brain that I would like to get out into the universe. So yeah, thats what this is. And of course, they will be in list formation.

1) I have noticed something about myself. A lot of times, I don't like I have much to say in big groups of people. I really enjoy just sitting back and listening to what everyone else is talking about. But if its a small group, then I am much more willing to participate in the conversation. At first I felt weird about this; I wished that I was more talkative with lots of people. But I've come to accept it. Its just apart of who I am. And theres really nothing wrong with it.

2) I reaaaaally want to make things right with my mom. Its just sososo freaking hard. I have been much better about maintaining my cool when she pisses me off. But I hate this weird abrupt relationship we have developed. I don't think we'll ever be really close again, but I want to call her and not have our conversations be strictly business. Its definitely something I have to work on. I guess I sometimes say things to her that can cause confrontation, so I have to really think about what I am staying with her. Which is fine since we have been talking less anyways.

3) These words feel really weird to put out into the universe. And whenever I put words like this out there, I get really nervous that I am going to jinx it. Which is why I tend to keep shit like this inside of me for as long as possible. And this time especially - this shit feels pretty special. But then again - shit always initially feels special. And then when that special thing doesn't work out, I convince myself that it wasn't special at all. (This is so vague, but vagueness feels less risky). Anyways, this special thing just has a little string tying it to another place. But its the kind of string thats so fragile. Like the kind that they use to sew the seams of t-shirts. And once you pull on it, it starts to unravel. But I won't do the pulling. In fact, I am supporting the keeping-together of this special t-shirt and thread. I am like the tag on the shirt, trying to get that shit sold. I am like the friend who really wants the shirt, but lets a different friend buy it even though I kind of think the shirt is really special. One day I think I'd like to purchase this shirt. But for now, I am pretty content with letting someone enjoy it. Also, why does this fucking shit always happen to me? Is it that I always want to purchase t-shirts that are not for sale, or is it that all of the good t-shirts have already been bought?! I don't know man. But it sucks. Cause I really don't like any of my shirts.
^Man, that was so weird. But I literally sighed after getting all that shit off my chest.

4) I have this thing in my head - I hate the fact that boys treat girls so differently. I want to be treated equal. For example, let me try and pull the freaking canoe onto shore. And then if I can't do it, assist me. But don't just assume that because I am a lady, I can't do it. Then theres this other part of me that wonders if maybe me wanting to be so equal to boys is the reason I don't have a boy of my own. Ya know? There has to be some sort of boundary to maintain sexual interest and the such. Because if I was just one of the guys, no guy would ever see me in that way. Ya know? So I don't know how to deal with this. Whenever these thoughts come into my head, I always feel like I want to act the same, and just dress like more of a lady. But then I try and wear lipstick to 6 flags and my lips start to peel and I start to get really frustrated. I don't know. I guess I am still trying to figure myself out. But I am working on it. And I am definitely content with the person I am becoming. Like I said, I just want to have that lady-side to me. And not walk with a special shirt and accidentally fart and then announce "oops. I just farted". Yup. Thats a thing that happened. Because I am gross. And don't act like a lady. Haha.

Internet, these are all of the thoughts I have for you today. Thanks for being so awesome and patient with my weird way of expressing things.

Things to look forward to

Sometimes I just need little lists like this to keep me going. As a nursing student, I have to make a lot of sacrifices in order to stay on track with classes. This summer, that meant taking two summer classes so that I can start my clinicals in the fall. Its so easy to get discouraged when my friends invite me over to play uno, and I have to say no because I am busy studying alterations of the cardiovascular system. Luckily, the cardiovascular system is my favorite. But still, it sucks alot sometimes. So, here are some exciting things that are keeping my spirits up.

1) This weekend - going to get lunch with my lovely friend Michelle tomorrow, and going to see the beautiful Ben Howard on Monday
2) Pathophysiology is over in a little more than three weeks. Then I will have about two weeks of pure summer bliss. I have to start planning now, because I really want to make the absolute most of those two weeks
3) Living in New Brunswick in the fall, riding my bike around campus, the rock gym being open again, starting clinicals, and working at the computer lab. And hopefully meeting a cute boy doing one of the above?
4) Learning more about cooking. I find cooking so relaxing and satisfying. Its a little time consuming and I hate washing dishes. But I like putting time and effort into making something that is delicious, something that I get to enjoy and something that is good for me. My family eats out a lot, and its really hard to have healthy, balanced meals when you are eating out.
5) Night time runs in the fall. I wish I could be a morning runner, I really do. It would be so nice to run in the morning and spend the rest of the day knowing that I started my day off right. But I just can't do it. I like leisurely, easy going mornings that involve long breakfasts, lots of time in PJs, and a heartbeat of ~60BPM. Even though I'd love to get my runs done early, running at night is amazing. The streets are empty, the air is nice and crisp, it is a relaxing way to wind down a long day. It just feels right.

This is from todays run. Its weird, shitty, cellphone quality, but its all good. I always feel so lovely, and so pretty when I complete a run.

Food and other inspirations.

A while ago I wrote a post, mostly for myself, called How to Avoid Funks (or something like that). While writing it, I kind of felt like an asshole, because I didn't want it to come off like I had figured out the secret to happiness and was bragging about it. It was just a personal post that I could come back to incase I ever fell into a funky place. And here I am now - definitely in a very funky spot. I wont go into the details of my funk, but lets just say that on a scale of 1 to 10, I have zero motivation to do anything. That even includes showers! Its just very weird. So I went back and read that short self help post I created. And it really did inspire me. Its weird, because I can read post from other bloggers on how to get out of funks, and while they will inspire me, they create that sort of very temporary bubble of inspiration in my chest and thats about it. But to know that I was in such a good place and I wrote a post on how to get there - its totally different. It makes me REALLY want to get back to that place. So thats really awesome, and something that I definitely plan to work on.

On a different note, my friends and I have been doing a lot of cooking lately since we all have our own places with kitchens and everything. Its really amazing, and also kind of scary. It really makes me feel like a grown up. Its funny how we rush growing up so much, but once we finally get there, it scares the shit out of us. Or maybe its just me. Anyway, heres some photos of the delicious homemade meals we have been making.

We also had a dinner party a few nights ago. Everyone got dressed up, and a few of us cooked. It was a freaking 4 course meal! Deviled Eggs for orderves, Caprese salad for appetizer, Vegeterian Pot Pie and Seafood Pasta salad for dinner, and Strawberry Shortcakes for dessert. It was so delicious, and it was all homemade - mostly by me and my friend Kitty. It was just so satisfying to talk about the menu for a few days, go grocery shopping, cook, and then see it all come together. And everyone actually got dressed up and looked so spiffy! I'll have more pictures from that later.

MICHELLE, this is for you!

Hi Michelle!! So you should ignore the fact that I am really awkward and I say "like", approximately 7000 times, and the fact that I am really bad at telling stories. Just appreciate this for what it is. Ha ha. I love you and miss you! <3 Oh yeah, I forgot to mention this in my video, but Keiko Lynn has the shirt that I am wearing! Aw yeah - sale rack at Madewell!

Butts.

I was just talking to a friend about how I accidentally to a really long break from blogging. School basically just took over my life. But now I have a few weeks to breath before finals swallow me whole, so here I am. I turned twenty exactly one week ago! It was a pretty lame birthday, but lets not get into that. Tonight I am going to attempt to catch a glimpse of the Aurora Borialis. I am pretty excited. Its something Fernando and I always used to talk about seeing together, so its weird that seeing it with him is not even an option. But whatever. I am seeing it with other really lovely people who are permanent additions to my life. So that makes it even more special; rather than seeing it with some fleeting boy.

Speaking of boys, I have been really bitter about relationships lately. I guess its me secretly wanting to be in one? I don't know. Its odd. I just really have not found someone that I like. So yeah. Theres that. It will happen one day though. And it will be really special since I have waited so long for it. Sometimes I think about it though, and I get worried that I will just end up being alone. Theres so much I want to do - so many places I want to live and changes I want to make in the world. I can imagine making all of that happen if I have another person in my life to consider  Perhaps I will just have to find someone who wants to make all the same changes. That would be lovely.

Speaking of changes, I think I decided I want to be a cardiac nurse. Heart disease is the biggest killer in the United States. So if I am a cardiac nurse, I will be able to save so many lives. I feel like I would be able to affect the greatest number of people that way. But we'll see. Its sounding pretty perfect right now.

Also, here is a picture of butts from when me, Max, Megan and Brian did the no pants subway ride over winter break. It was really ridiculously funny!

Drained

Today, in one word, was draining. I am exhausted in all senses of the word. Emotionally, physically and mentally. Luckily I have tomorrow off to recharge. I have work in the morning, but after that I am just going to take the day off to catch up on some school work, and relax. Here is just a little list of why I am so tired today:

* So my day began at 7:30am. I woke up, got ready and headed to my 9:15 class. I had class for three hours, downed a quessadilla (that was pretty gross) and then headed to another 3 hour class. The second class put a damper on my mood because I did 5 out of the 6 readings for that class, but missing out on that one reading left me feeling so unprepared for the class.
* I got back to my dorm, and decided to do some laundry (which I have yet to put away). As I was trying to keep my self busy while my laundry did its thing, I began to feel like I couldn't breathe. It was both a litteral and metaphorical feeling of being suffocated if that makes sense. It was literally hard to breath, but I also just felt so consumed by my daily grind. So I decided to go for a walk and shoot a few frames on my film camera which usually gets neglected. This helped to recenter me a bit.
* Doing work and dinner with my friends was nice, but even during that, I felt pretty out of it.
* I was really excited to go rock climbing with Max, but my off-ness just continued on the rock wall. I was struggling a lot with the routes and I was going up so slowly. I know Max really well, and so as I was climbing, I just knew that he wanted to be climbing and I felt the unfairness in how long I was taking. After we talked about it (we had an intense conversation about our relationship as rock climbing partners) and so that helped.
* Not to mention that I am dumb. And so while all of this was going on, I was anticipating the arrival of a stupid text message. Technology really sucks sometimes.

But for reals - look at how pretty dem shoes are.

First Day of Class

Yesterday was my first day of classes for the spring semester! I am a nerd I suppose, but I always get really exited for the first day of classes. Monday, I spent the day organizing my anatomy notes and picking out which notebooks I would use for each of my new classes. I just love stuff like that. Then I spent some time deciding what I wanted to wear for the first day (like a little kid! ha ha), and I am pretty happy with what I chose. 

Over winter break I kept bothering my mom to take me to the eye doctor (Why I couldn't take myself you ask? I don't have a car) and so finally a few days before break was over, she took me. The plan was that we would go to the eye doctor, and then go out to dinner. Well you see, my step dad is on this really intense diet where dinner is the only real meal he eats (everything is bar and shake supplements), so while I was picking out glasses, my mom kept rushing me because my stepdad was hungry, and now I am not sure how I feel about the frames I ended up with. I personally feel that they are too big for my face. The eye doctor has a 30 day return policy, so I might go over the weekend and try on a few other pairs. Can I get some honest opinions on these bad boys?

Anyway, back to my first day of class. It was such an exhausting day! My first class was at 9:15am, and I didn't finish with class till 9:30 pm. I spent a lot of the day going to classes that I am not even sure I am going to keep in my schedule. I figured I could go to the class and then decide. I went to this one Anthropology class called Women in Writing Culture. I was planning on dropping it, but the class actually seemed pretty cool. We watched a moving on Margret Mead that I really enjoyed! Would 19 credits this semester be a really bad idea? Probably. I have the day off today, so I am going to go and apply for a job at some places. If I get a job, I will drop the class. If I don't get a job, I will keep it. That sounds like a pretty good deciding factor, right?

Anyone else experiencing the fun-ness that is going back to school?