Sleep, or the lack thereof

I am so tired today. I woke up 1 hour and 20 minutes ago (at 7:30), and I am already planning on taking a nap as soon as I am done with work. I am planning on taking that nap downstairs, on a couch in a public area. Because I am so tired that I don't even care.

What sucks is that I have an exam today. And exam that I am so unprepared for. And an exam in a class that is really hard. But whatever. Lets talk about something a little bit more interesting than that...

I have been watching American Horror Story lately. Its soooo freaking good! Last night I met some friends at the library, but before I could go, I had to get an episode of AHS in. And let me just say, it was so worth it!

This weekend will hopefully be really good. My housemate Ryan and I were talking about going to this art show that someone we know is putting on. And its in a town that is not New Brunswick. So that will be awesome. I could really use a change of scenery.

Annd thanksgiving break is next week!!! Holey poop I am so excited. Its sad because I am not even really planning on doing much. I just want to sleep and lay in my bed. But I'll try and squeeze an adventure or two in. Like hanging out with my beaaautiful friend Michelle, who I have been too busy to even keep in touch with!

When did this become a nursing blog?

I started this blog to talk about my life and goals and adventures. And to inspire some sort of growth fashion-wise. But this blog has just become a list of rants, mostly about nursing. But I guess that is just what I need in my life right now. I hope one day it can become something more.

So today I was really stressed about the pharm exam that I have on Thursday. Well, actually I have been stressed about it since the weekend. But today I finally decided to do something about it. I decided to study! And currently, I have been sitting in the same chair for almost 4 hours. I've listened to 3 entire albums.

I listened to Bastille's Bad Blood which was amazing. I had to take some breaks from studying to bop my head and leg because their drums are so intense at some points. And I love that shit.

After that, I randomly decided to listen to the entire Imagine Dragons Night Vision album. Which I barely remember. I guess that means it was just okay. I wasn't a huge Imagine Dragons fan to begin with.

Annnd, I just finished listening to Of Monsters and Men's My Head Is An Animal which also required music appreciating breaks because at some points it just got too good!

Up next on my full album marathon is Daughter's If You Leave. I won't have time for the whole thing because the room I am in closes in 36 minutes. But I just started it, and deeemmm drums!

Nursing school isn't so bad (a recap of my week)

This week has been a rough one in terms of sleep. My Mondays always start off great since I don't have class untill 11:30 so I can sleep "late". But after that its just down hill. After class on Monday I headed to the library with a friend, and at 5:30 I ran off to take calls for scarlet listeners. Monday night I went rock climbing, came home, took a shower and went straight to bed. (Can I just say Mondays are my favorite day of the week? How weird is that - I know! But I love the class I have on Monday, I love that I can sleep in, I love taking call, and topping off my night with climbing is just perfection)

Anyways, even though I managed to go to sleep at a reasonable hour, for some reason, I overslept for work on Tuesday morning, and made it there at 8:25 instead of 8:15 (A.M. - I know, brutal). I then proceeded to have the most awkward Tuesday morning ever. But it happens. I went to a class that was actually canceled, met with a professor about the fact that I got a 68 on her last exam, and then spent the rest of my day & night in the library. 

Yesterday I had clinical, which requires waking up at an ungodly hour (aka before the sun is even up!). But luckily I managed to squeeze a nap in before heading off to the library to study my life away. A few friends and I left the library at 12:30 am, and then Angela was wonderful enough to take me to the grocery store since I have been eating out the past week and have zero food at home. Yes, we went grocery shopping at 1 A.M. This is the life of a nursing student who doesn't even have time to bleach her mustache and tweeze her eyebrows - forget about grocery shopping! By the time I got home, showered, got my stuff ready for the morning and started to fall asleep, it was 3:30 (Let me just clarify - 3:30 in the A.M.). Annnnnd, I had to wake up at 7:20 (in the A.M) today for work. Andddd I wont get home tonight until 9 or 10 (in the P.M)

The thing is, I am not even complaining. Yeah, it sucks that I haven't gotten much sleep. And yeah it sucks that I have spent every night this week in the library. But I have spent my nights studying like crazy with amazing people. Nursing school is such a bitch, but we're all struggling through this together which actually makes it a really beautiful thing. Talk to me tomorrow though, and lets see how I feel about nursing school then. 

Another little tidbit of nursing life info that I am really excited about: So yesterday at clinical, I was shadowing this nurse named Aine, who is absolutely amazing. Seeing her communicate with her patients is just so inspiring. She talks to them as if shes know then forever. She clearly explains everything that she is going to do with them, along with everything they're going to experience for the next few days in the hospital (surgery and recovery wise). You can just immediately sense her patients feeling at home, and feeling relieved that they now know exactly what to expect. So Aine, a resident and I were in the break room talking about how cold it is, Aine said that even though its so cold, she doesn't miss California. Which lead to her telling me a bit about her experience as a travel nurse. And I just got so freaking inspired since I reaaallly want to do travel nursing. Except I never knew how to go about it. Aine told me before I can do travel nursing, I need to get a few years experience on med-surg floor or something of the sort to gain a basic skill set and become really strong in those skills. Then I can start traveling. And I just feel like this gave me a whole new purpose as a nursing student (I know that sounds really dramatic and intense, but whatever). Everyone always asks me "do you have a specific field of nursing you want to go into?" And I never have a good response. But now I actually know where I am headed with this silly little career. So as of now the game plan after graduation is to move back home and spend 2 or 3 years working and saving up money and learning everything that I possibly can. Then I'll start traveling, but I won't spend the money that I saved in my initial few years. That way all the money I make as a travel nurse can be spent on the road, and when I get back I'll have a nice little savings to settle down with. 

Ahh, so many amazing goals and so many long term things to look forward to. I tend only really thing short term when it comes to goals. I just feel weird thinking so far ahead. But now I know where I want to be, and I am really freaking happy about it. 

Running

Running. That thing that I used to love to do, but don't do anymore because of time. I need to try and figure out how to make more time in my life for running again. I've figured out how to make time for work, and I've figured out how to make time for climbing (although I really wish I did that at least 1 more time a week), and for Scarlet Listeners, and for a semi-normal social life. Now I need to figure out how to make time for my old love of running. I've managed to 1x a week somewhat consistently now. But they're always super short runs. I tell myself that I am just getting back into running, and so I don't want to push myself too hard. 

The thing is, a lot of my day is already taken up. I've been going to bed around 11:30 lately, so that I can feel somewhat normal for my 7am mornings (and 5am on Wedneday). So I am really not sure where running can fit into my life right now. What if I just start waking up at 5am every day? Then it wont be so bad on Wednesdays, and I can run in the morning on other days? Ugh. But I am not a fan of morning runs.

Night time running is my true love. But at the end of the day I am just so spent. Today, I woke up at 7:20 to get to work at 8:15. After work I have an externship workshop from 12:15-2:15. Then I have class until 8. After class, I am going straight to the library to start studying for the exam that I have tomorrow morning. 

So its clear that night time runs are also not very realistic for me. Night time runs are like a nice little fling. A thing I can squeeze they work with my life. And I guess depending on how early in the morning you run, its almost like a night time run.

I can wake up at 5am. Have 1/2 a banana, peanut butter and crackers pre-run. Run. Finish my banana, stretch and hop in the shower. At that point it will be around 7am. After that, getting ready will be no different than my usual morning routine. 

I think I'll try this on Saturday. No, Saturdays are the only day out of the entire 7 days I can sleep in. Saturdays need to be saved for that. So I will try this on Sunday. I want to say I'll give it a go tomorrow, but I have a 9am exam, and I don't want to risk a messy morning on an exam day. Also, I'll probably be in the library for quite a while tonight. 

Oversleeping

I missed my clinical today. And I feel so awful about it. But I am just trying to remind myself to look at the big picture. In three years when I am working at a hospital saving lives or consoling a patient, one missed clinical will mean nothing. It will be a funny story that I can tell my coworkers. It will be just one more struggle that helped me to realize how much I want this. This morning I thought of all the horrible things that could happen from missing this clinical - Failing this course. Being a whole year behind. Getting kicked out of nursing. I doubt (and really hope not!) that any of those things will happen. And I just have to take this as a little wake up call. I have been pretty exhausted - staying at the library until midnight and later a few times a week, plus working and having hardly any time for friends. But all of these sacrifices will get me to where I want to be. And I know this is where I want to be. I just have to keep working for it, and keep my eyes set on the big picture. All of these short term struggles are just to ween out the people who don't really want this and aren't willing to work for it. I have made it this far, and there is no way I am stopping now. I am half way through this semester. I just have to keep on pushing. Keep on working my ass off. And maintain a good attitude. So what if my GPA is only a 3.3 when some friends have 3.7 and higher? Its just a number. And it doesn't mean they want it more than me. Maybe they're just better at studying or better test takers or have a better memory. The fact that this is a struggle for me, and yet I have made it so far is really amazing, and not something a lot of people can say they did. This is something I am actually really fighting for. Every day. Every time I go to the library instead of hanging out with my friends or going to a party or going home - I am fighting for this.

Okay. This post was really intense and dramatic. But I needed a little pep talk after such a bummer morning. Now, off to the library. I want to get a B on this pharm exam so badly!

**UPDATE** - I actually DID get a B on that pharm exam, so take that!

Feels & things and honesty

Hello world. I am at work right now. My work basically just consists of me sitting at a computer, writing down how many people are in the lab, and helping people print. Its a pretty sweet deal. Usually I end up getting a lot of homework done at work, but today theres not much for me to do. I can't even believe that is a thing I am saying, because I feel like I have been crazy busy since the semester started. Well, there are things I could be doing so that I am not crazy busy next week, but they can wait a few more minutes.

So, its junior freaking year man! How crazy is that? I've always felt like my 3rd year in a place ends up being my best year. I felt that way after 3 years of middle school, 3 years of high school and now 3 years of college. I don't know what it is. It just feels like it takes 3 years for me to get really comfortable with my surroundings and my people. That being said, Junior year of college has been pretty sweet so far! I am not even going to go into all of the details of why things are so sweet, I'll just keep it brief. I am pretty happy in my house, pretty happy in my clinical, and pretty happy with how I have been spending my time.

Anyways, I more started writing this post for the same reason I start writing most posts on this blog. Just to sort out some feelings on a certain subject. Today, that certain subject is a boy. And writing about this makes me feel dumb, because in my last post I wrote about a boy that I thought I liked. And then I got to know that boy, and I realized there was no way we could ever work out. So this is a new boy. And its just so weird how in that moment of writing that post, I had such strong feelings. And now, a little more than a month later, I am so over it.

I guess thats kind of what I need to sort? Just the fact that its weird that we can sometimes feel so invested in another person, and yet those feelings can be so temporary. With the boy I mentioned in my previous post, it just took one night of drinking for me to really see his true colors and decide that he was not for me. And so now with this new human that I have feels for, I am being soso cautious. I also think its a lot easier for me to allow myself to get invested in someone who is invested somewhere else. And so since the feels with this current boy are mutual, its taking a lot more for me to let me guard down. But ya know, we only me <2 weeks ago, so theres really no rush. I am just taking things one day at a time. And so far, I have been happy with how the days have been.

Ugh. This is my blog. I don't know why I feel the need to be so vague on it. Its really weird to really look at yourself. These days I am feeling really content and overall happy, but I am wondering if its genuine, or if I have just put up these crazy walls, so that I will never feel any true emotion. No sadness, no pure bliss. Just forever content. I just have these irrational fears that if I talk about things using specifics, other people will hear about it. And if I talk about things too much, I'll jinx the way that things are going. But that is dumb.

Okay. Here we go. Specifics. There is this boy named Jon. We met at the computer lab, and he walked me home. We exchanged numbers, and texted. The next day, he walked me home from the library and we wound up chilling at my house and going to a party. A fewww days later, he met me at the library and helped me study for my pharm exam. Two days after my pharm exam, we took the train to Princeton, ate some food, walked around, and explored the Princeton campus. It was night, and everything looked so magical because of how it was lit. It was pretty lovely. So, we wandered into this garden, and since it was really dark, it took us some time, but we found a bench. We sat on the bench for a while, straight chillin and I talked about my grandma, and my tattoo idea for her. Somehwere during the conversation, Jons hand wandered onto my leg and I held his hand. After a while of sitting and chatting, Jon asked if we could leave soon, since it was getting late. And I said yes, but that there was just something I wanted to see before we left. So he said okay. But then he kissed me. And it was such an awkward kiss, as most first kisses are. We just couldn't find eachothers lips and it was just really funny but also pretty uncomfortable to think back on. But thats how I have pretty much felt about every first kiss with a person, so its not like I am disappointed. And I am not sure if I made this kiss last longer than it should have? Who the heck knows. The point is, we kissed. And I have not kissed a human in a very long time. So it was kind of a big deal. But I have spent the last 4 days trying to talk the entire event down to myself. And I don't know why.

Basically, I just feel like whenever Jon gets brought up in conversations amongst my friends, something negative gets said about him. Maybe it is me being overly sensitive and weird since this is my first thing with a boy in a pretty long time. But Ryan and Jordan both agreed that he is "simple" and "plain" (which honestly, is there anything really that wrong with being a simple person? Its not like because hes "simple" hes boring). Ariel mentioned that when she felt him, he looked like he was younger than us. Which is not specifically negative, but still makes me feel weird. On a separate occasion, Ryan described him as "insistant" or something to that effect, because he happened to be looking at someones facebook page in the lab, and a mutual friend commented on it. Ugh. I don't know. None of these comments are really that bad. So why are they making me feel so weird? I just have such a hard time letting myself like people. And I feel like I am letting all of these comments just make it even harder. When I could actually like this person? I mean, I don't know if I could actually like this person since I have only known him for a week and a half. But I would like to get to know him more, and give him a fair chance without everyone elses dumb comments clouding how I actually feel.

So yeah. Those are all of the specifics of life that I needed to talk about. I am just going to keep going with the flow, and see where the flow takes me. But for now, I am not getting too excited about this (I probably couldn't even if I wanted to because of dem walls I was mentioning earlier). So yeah, hopefully I'll get over this, and figure out how I am really feeling.

To my friend the internet,

Dear internet world,

There are just some thoughts floating around in my brain that I would like to get out into the universe. So yeah, thats what this is. And of course, they will be in list formation.

1) I have noticed something about myself. A lot of times, I don't like I have much to say in big groups of people. I really enjoy just sitting back and listening to what everyone else is talking about. But if its a small group, then I am much more willing to participate in the conversation. At first I felt weird about this; I wished that I was more talkative with lots of people. But I've come to accept it. Its just apart of who I am. And theres really nothing wrong with it.

2) I reaaaaally want to make things right with my mom. Its just sososo freaking hard. I have been much better about maintaining my cool when she pisses me off. But I hate this weird abrupt relationship we have developed. I don't think we'll ever be really close again, but I want to call her and not have our conversations be strictly business. Its definitely something I have to work on. I guess I sometimes say things to her that can cause confrontation, so I have to really think about what I am staying with her. Which is fine since we have been talking less anyways.

3) These words feel really weird to put out into the universe. And whenever I put words like this out there, I get really nervous that I am going to jinx it. Which is why I tend to keep shit like this inside of me for as long as possible. And this time especially - this shit feels pretty special. But then again - shit always initially feels special. And then when that special thing doesn't work out, I convince myself that it wasn't special at all. (This is so vague, but vagueness feels less risky). Anyways, this special thing just has a little string tying it to another place. But its the kind of string thats so fragile. Like the kind that they use to sew the seams of t-shirts. And once you pull on it, it starts to unravel. But I won't do the pulling. In fact, I am supporting the keeping-together of this special t-shirt and thread. I am like the tag on the shirt, trying to get that shit sold. I am like the friend who really wants the shirt, but lets a different friend buy it even though I kind of think the shirt is really special. One day I think I'd like to purchase this shirt. But for now, I am pretty content with letting someone enjoy it. Also, why does this fucking shit always happen to me? Is it that I always want to purchase t-shirts that are not for sale, or is it that all of the good t-shirts have already been bought?! I don't know man. But it sucks. Cause I really don't like any of my shirts.
^Man, that was so weird. But I literally sighed after getting all that shit off my chest.

4) I have this thing in my head - I hate the fact that boys treat girls so differently. I want to be treated equal. For example, let me try and pull the freaking canoe onto shore. And then if I can't do it, assist me. But don't just assume that because I am a lady, I can't do it. Then theres this other part of me that wonders if maybe me wanting to be so equal to boys is the reason I don't have a boy of my own. Ya know? There has to be some sort of boundary to maintain sexual interest and the such. Because if I was just one of the guys, no guy would ever see me in that way. Ya know? So I don't know how to deal with this. Whenever these thoughts come into my head, I always feel like I want to act the same, and just dress like more of a lady. But then I try and wear lipstick to 6 flags and my lips start to peel and I start to get really frustrated. I don't know. I guess I am still trying to figure myself out. But I am working on it. And I am definitely content with the person I am becoming. Like I said, I just want to have that lady-side to me. And not walk with a special shirt and accidentally fart and then announce "oops. I just farted". Yup. Thats a thing that happened. Because I am gross. And don't act like a lady. Haha.

Internet, these are all of the thoughts I have for you today. Thanks for being so awesome and patient with my weird way of expressing things.