Happy New Year!

So, I decided that I really didn't get a great start to the New Year. I still eat crap, I probably run less now than I did before the New Year started, and I feel more lazy and unmotivated than ever. That being said, every day is a completely fresh start to get it right, and so I am declaring tomorrow the official start of my New Year. These past two weeks were just a trial run. And now that I know how I don't want the NewYear to go, I am ready to get it right!

Generally, here is where I would make a list of all the things I want to change, but I already created a small list of resolutions. Huge lists of how I am going to completely change my life over night leave me feeling disappointed and defeated. So I am not going to wake up tomorrow and expect to be a totally changed lady. I am just going to wake up and do small things that will help me become the person I want to be.

How has the New Year been treating you?

Ugly internet faces

It feels like I am spending more time on the internet than ever! I guess with too much free time and too little friends/hobbies, thats what happens. Especially now that I have really gotten into youtube - I could seriously spend hours just sitting on youtube getting lost in videos. Every once in a while, when I am having fun on the interweb, I open up my webcam to check myself out. Usually I am making to most hideous face, eyes glossed over, mouth hanging open, face contorted by hand ... you catch my drift. Here are some examples of my ugly internet-browsing faces:

Is sad that my internet faces aren't prettier. And its weird, because when I am watching youtube videos or reading about running (two of my usual internet activities), I am totally engrossed and enjoying myself. But you would never be able to tell by looking at those faces!

I guess this sort of leads back to one of my new years resolutions which was to spend less time on the internet. Agh, its just such a difficult thing to do! However, I am going to try! I am going to try right now actually. Once I publish this post, I am closing my laptop and I am going to eat cookies that my mom baked and I am going to read something fancy.

This is just one of those random thoughts that floats around my brain that I never talk to anyone about, so I figured I would post about it. Perhaps you can send me one of your ugly internet faces! That would be fun.

A late bloomer

Recently I have been feeling like a little kid who got lost in her moms closet and makeup bag whenever I get ready. I am trying to figure out my own personal style, and so I am failing a lot along the way. The other day, I was wearing a black dress with grey tights, black boots and purple socks that peeked over my boots. On top of that, I was wearing my green puffy winter coat that falls just below my hips, making my dress look like an awkward mini skirt. It was so bad that my boss, a 27 year old man who wear crocks, commented on my outfit saying "Check out that fashion statement!". Thats how you know you have accomplished a serious fashion no-no. I wish I had a picture so I could show just how lame I looked.

Also recently, I have invested in Urban Decays Naked Palette, hoping that pretty eyeshadow will distract from the fact that my hair is in a seriously awkward phase of growing out right now. Well, being that I have never really worn eyeshadow before, playing around with this eyeshadow has been a lot of trial and error. Mostly error that I don't have time to correct which leaves me feeling incredibly self conscious. But hopefully one day I will get it right. Either way, its fun to experiment with different colors and see what kind of affect they have.

Its sort of weird to be going through these things at 19 and a lot of times it leaves me feeling really uncomfortable and like I am still just a little kid. These are things that kids in middle school and high school go through - not college! I guess I just didn't really care that much back then. I remember once in high school, applying powder concealer all over my face and liquid foundation under my eyes. I felt quite silly when my friend explained to me that these products are used in opposite ways. And after that I just never really cared to learn. Same with clothes. I love looking at other peoples pretty outfits, but I never cared too much to create pretty outfits of my own. For the most part skinny jeans, a v-neck and a cardigan are good for me. Maybe a scarf if I am feeling really fashionable.

Has anyone else gone through a similar weirdness of self discovery at such a late age? Any tips on how to deal with this?

Ello, New Year

Today is the first day of the NewYear, and for some reason I am just not in the whole New Year, fresh start spirit. I am tired and feeling a little crappy. But, I have this list of resolutions that I have been working on over the past week, so here they are:

01) Only trim my hair. No major hair cuts - for the whole year
02) Run at least one mile, every day. (With days off as needed) Keep track of it
03) Play piano for 5 minutes, every morning.
04) Wear a dress at least once every week.
05) Limit computer time!
06) Read at least one book every month
07) Shop at a thrift store once a month, and try to buy more clothes there.
08) Be one size smaller by next year

I wanted to create goals that were measurable. Rather than just saying "Read More" - because really, what is more? So everything has a measure to it, besides computer time, because being in college with late night study sessions and the such, putting a specific time limit on computer time is unrealistic.

Well, I am going to go for a run, and then spend the rest of the night with a cup of tea, and my copy of The Five People You Meet in Heaven. I hope everyone had a lovely first day of 2013.

The Hairs on My Head

I have noticed that since I have had short hair (I cut my hair in April) I have taken A LOT less pictures of myself. And I think the problem is that I am still pretty insecure with my hair. I mean, I think having short hair has been an awesome experience, don't get me wrong. However, I am ready to have longer hair, and more to work with.

Since I have cut my hair, I have really learned a lot about managing curls, such as how to use a diffuser and the fact that sulfates are horrible for curly hair. Right now I am trying an all-natural approach with my hair - washing with a baking soda mixture and conditioning with a apple cider vinegar mixture. I am really liking it so far. Since my hair is so fine, before when I would wash my hair, my hair would be super limp. I am pretty sure it has to do with the fact that sulfates strip hair of oils and the such - something my fine hair needs in order to have volume, But now that I am using baking soda, I don't have to worry about that. I can even go PRODUCT FREE! Yup, thats right. Today, all I put was one tinnnnnnnnny drop of leave in conditioner on my bangs, and that was all. Pretty exciting stuff!

But since I am growing my hair out, my hair is in a super duper funk. I have layers all over, a mullet in the back, and who knows what else is going on that the mirror hides from me! This has kinda put me in a hair funk, and made me not what to do much to my hair while I wait for it to grow out. So its like all of this lovely hair knowledge I have acquired is waiting to really be put to good use. Kind of a little frustrating. In the mean time, I will lust over Hannah McKay's hair (her real name is Yvonne Strahovski, and I think her hair is the perfect length).

(via)

My Guide to Getting Over Funks

 So this guide is obviously for me more than anything else. I have been in such a good place lately, and I am hoping that this list of reminders will help me in the future if I happen to hit a funky phase. And if this happens to help/inspire someone else, well that's cool too!

1) If there is something that you want to do, then do it. And start small so that you can keep doing it. For me, this has been running. For the past year I have been telling myself that I want to run more. I started off huge by running a half marathon. This was incredible, but also really unrealistic for someone who is not used to running consistently. I ran my half marathon, and then stopped. I'd run sometimes, but always made promises to myself that I would run more. Recently however, I have taken a new approach to running more. Rather than running more miles, I have been running more consistently. 1 mile a day. That's it. It literally takes me 10 minutes (yesterday it took me 9 minutes and 27 seconds, which was AWESOME!). The consistency and happiness that I feel running everyday is way better than running 3 miles one day, and then not running again for another two weeks. I obviously plan to up my mileage, but for now, I love and look forward to my runs everyday. That's something I haven't been able to say in a long time.
2) Make time for something that you love, and do it often. Thanks to my friend Max, rock climbing has been it. I love rock climbing. Its fun, its social, its a good workout, I have met a bunch of new friends through it, and I can go at night which makes it a perfect end-of-the-day stress reliever. And since I love rock climbing so much, I make it a point to get my work done early so that I can go. I think its really important to find something that you love, and I have found it.
3) Be grateful and genuine and kind. This one kind of speaks for its self. Being kind and genuine to others, and letting others know how important they are is really important. And having solid friends is really important, so when you find your solid friends, its important to constantly let them know how special they are. Also, giving genuine thanks and genuine compliments is so beautiful. And it feels to nice. The more you do it, the easier it becomes.
4) Make time for work. Love it. Have fun with it. And don't complain about it. This is one that I am working on. Complaining is one of my favorite things to do. Especially when it comes to anatomy. But I am trying to look forward to doing my anatomy work, and really enjoy the challenge. Anatomy is my brick wall - but I really want to be a nurse and I know I will overcome this. Even if I have to shed (more than) a few tears a long the way. I refuse to settle for just being "a lab tech". Fuck that.
5) Its all about your frame of mind. And changing your frame of mind is a lot easier than it seems. I hate the cold. But when I go outside and its cold out, if I tell myself "I love the cold - it makes me feel so alive", then I have a new appreciation for the cold, and its not so bad anymore. This goes for a lot of things "I love studying all of the origins, insertions and actions of muscles - it will make me understand workouts a lot more", "I am excited about talking to someone for 10 minutes about their health and then transcribing it word for word. It will be interesting and rewarding". These are all lies, but if I tell myself these things enough times, they start to become true.
6) Be amazed. Sometimes, reality just hits me. I'll be talking to someone, totally engrossed in conversation, and I will just sort of realize that this is my life - I am living it and I am taking charge and it is amazing and I am so fucking fortunate and grateful and happy.
7) Get excited! I probably say "I am so excited" like 30+ times a day now. I am excited to get my class over with. I am excited to bake cinnamon toast crunch muffins. I am excited to run today. I am excited to use that new bar of soap I just bought. I am excited to sit in Faline's room and enjoy her company while she does homework. I am excited for quessadilla night at Brower. I am excited to drink mint hot chocolate later. You don't have to get excited about huge things. Getting excited about small things is even better than getting excited about huge things. Because small things happen on a second by second basis. Huge things are rare. And so its important to be able to appreciate even the smallest of things like a shower and a new bar of soap.
8) Let yourself feel negative things. Don't try and just push them into a corner or bury them. On Tuesday I was so stressed and burnt out and overwhelmed. And I let myself feel that way. There is nothing wrong with feeling crummy sometimes. It happens. It its important to let it happen.
9) Look forward to the future, but also enjoy the present. This is another thing I am really trying to work at. I am always thinking "I can't wait till my hair gets longer" "I can't wait till clinicals start junior year" "I can't wait until I can move back to Brooklyn and have my own beautiful apartment". And these thoughs are all important - you need to have long term goals that drive you to keep doing what you're doing and some sort of future that gives you a purpose. But its also important to enjoy today. So then I remind myself "But I am going to love my short hair while I have it" and "Next year I won't have classes with Max, so I am going to love this year and all of the time we spend together" and "I love living in New Brunswick and with Ariel and a building away from Faline". And so I love where I am at right now, but I also love where I am headed.

I probably could keep going, but I am going to end here. Hopefully this inspires someone else as well, but more important, hopefully this helps me on a day that isn't as lovely as today.

On another note, I love and miss my grandma. And I think that's important as well.

Not so happy things

Dear Grandma,

I really wish you were here right now. So many frustrating things are going on right now, and I know if you were here to talk to about them, you would totally agree with me. I am going to make a list of all of  the things bothering me right now, and just know that you'd feel the same way.

1) Mom is seriously getting on my nerves. I am away from school for weeks at a time, and then when I come home she is just such a jerk. While I am at school, I always miss her so much, but then when I come home she makes no effort to spend time with me, and shes a jerk when we do talk. Today I was looking for my cellphone in her car, and I noticed she had a lot of new nail polishes in her glove compartment. I commented on it to her, and she freaked out and said something to the effect of how she hates when I am home because she always feels so tense when I am around. And before that, when we were at the pizzaria she made a comment about how her Tom and Thomas are so set in their ways and whenever I come home I disrupt it. It makes me feel so shitty when she says things like that, and it makes me feel like theres not even a point in coming home. I wish you were here because I know you'd agree, and you'd say something to her.
2) Mom is like freaking about about this gas thing going on, and she doesn't want to drive anywhere, but then she sees that target has some stupid game that Thomas wants, and now she's driving there to get it. So dumb.
3) This whole hurricane jazz and people being so displaced has me kinda feeling down. Everyone just lost so much and I feel so bad about it. Tomorrow I am going to volunteer at the high school and when I get back to school I am going to volunteer as much as I can. I guess thats all I can do, but I still feel bad and wish I could do more. And I am probably being dumb, but I just feel a little bit bothered because it feels like the people not affected by the hurricane are going on with their lives as if its no big deal (maybe thats me just being to critical, but thats how it feels). For example, my friends are planning to have a party tomorrow night. How can you have a party and have a good time, when so many people just lost everything?! I understand that you can't stop living and having a good time because of things like this, but I just feel that right now people priorities should be helping out those that need it - not getting drunk on a Saturday night. And feeling this way makes me feel like I am too soft to be a nurse. Not to put myself on a pedestal or act like I am so kind/compassionate, but I just feel so much sometimes, and seeing sad things makes me really sad. So I don't know how I am going to be able to see sad things at work everyday, and then go on to live a normal, happy life outside of work. Its a little concerning.

Well, this list turned into more of a vent, but I know that you'd have no problem listening to this vent and so it kinda sucks that you're not here to do that. I hope where ever you are, its freaking awesome.

I love you so much old lady,
Jessie Pooh